Words for penis: a ranking of the 30 weirdest (and funniest)

Cosmopolitan

09-06-2025

Wiener? Willy? Weenie? These are just a few nicknames used to affectionately (we hope) refer to the more anatomically correct 'penis.'
But while many prefer to use the p-word when describing the external sex organ, others like to get a little more creative. Seriously, have you ever heard of baloney pony? Us neither.
And thanks to the internet, it means that access to weird and wonderful words has never been easier. So, whether you're searching for something new to call your package, or you're looking for a cute, private pet name for your boyf's 'thing,' we've got you covered.
Here are 30 different words for penis...
Of course we start with this one. It's the most common informal word, after all. Also, why not begin with one that everybody knows, just to ease us in a bit?
Did you know the term 'phallus' actually originates from the Ancient Greeks? Back then, it was a symbol of strength and power...
Dual meaning, here. While 'dick' is another common nickname for penis, it can also be used as an insult. Although, in British humour, if someone calls you a 'dick,' it probably means you're funny and they like you.
When it's hidden beneath clothes, it's called a package. Simple as that.
Well, if it gets the job done, as Chappell Roan would say, it's a fair description.
The same as dick, including the affectionate insult.
" (that's shorthand for, 'same as above.')
OK, this one's actually quite cute. It can stay.
This is more American, we reckon. But in Germany and Austria, a wiener is a sausage. So again, kind of makes sense. It also seamlessly brings us to our next word...
Slang, innuendo, whatever you want to call it. It's basically due to the physical resemblance between the two.
Who doesn't remember the lads in school casually throwing this word around every two minutes? Oh, the nostalgia.
Or, if you put the word 'Magnum' in front of it, you're suddenly transported to the iconic It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia scene, where Danny DeVito, aka Frank Reynolds, drops his "monster condom" that he uses for his "magnum dong."
Maybe because it rhymes with slang? Who knows?
Bit vulgar, but not completely offensive because it is true.
Not really what we'd want an adult calling their penis, but not the end of the world.
Because sometimes you just forget words...
This one's more of an offensive euphemism, we'd say. Maybe best to avoid.
Yep, the internet is home to some creative brains.
Bit smutty. Bit funny. Not suitable for vegetarians.
We'll never understand why these typically middle-aged men's names are always used as innuendos. Maybe it's because they feel quite approachable?
We don't even need to explain this one.
This just does not sound nice AT ALL.
Cock... rooster... You get the association.
Any food item that has a remote phallic resemblance will not escape a penis nickname.
See?
Not wrong. Anatomically speaking, a penis is a sexual organ.
In the words of Lady Gaga's "LoveGame"...
If anybody ever referred to their penis seriously as a 'love gun', there would never be a second date.
Stand up to attention and all that. Also incredibly cringe. Best left in the past.
Yes, it's very childish, we know.
Sophie Williams is a Freelance Journalist and Copywriter, covering everything from Fashion to Entertainment to music, Lifestyle and Features. She has interviewed a range of musical artists and authors including Alyssa Edwards, Courtney Barnett, Confidence Man, The Vaccines, Loyle Carner, Gabrielle, and John Niven, and has written for publications like Metro, Reader's Digest, ITV's Woo! and Vice's NBGA. She is also working on a book for HarperCollins about Taylor Swift, due to be published in 2024.