Failure, But Not Forever

Yemenat

4 days ago

I may have appeared to be a failure, and I felt that failure deeply at times, perhaps even for years. But not forever. I failed at writing stories, yet today I revisit them in the details of my life. I failed at poetry, but now I attempt to weave its essence into my different expressions. I failed at love, but not indefinitely. I dreamed of becoming a journalist and faced setbacks, yet I returned to pursue that dream, and now I own a newspaper and a news website. As Brazilian novelist Paulo Coelho says, one must never cease to dream; failure is a natural occurrence from time to time, but the one thing we cannot do is forget.
Wherever I have failed, the yearning for my aspirations remains intense, and forgetting is impossible. I reclaim my spirit and vitality, striving to endure with patience and resilience. I attempt once more to fulfill my dreams, again and again, until they are realized or I claim a portion of them, even if failure has overshadowed my dreams for many years. I do not forget them until I attain whatever honor I can from them. If my dreams fall asleep from exhaustion, they rest briefly until circumstances change, then awaken to seize the first opportunity. I retry, again and again, until what once seemed arduous or impossible becomes attainable or within reach.
I dreamed of being a judge or a lawyer, and indeed I became a judge for over five years, then a defender of human rights and freedoms to this day. I aspired to earn a scholarship in international relations or political science, but the opportunity eluded me. After many years, I finally obtained a diploma in political science from the Faculty of Economics at the University of Sana'a.
I yearned to be a voice for the oppressed people, and I became their representative; importantly, I did not trade my ascent for any fall. I entered politics early on, but what matters most, as I claim, is that I practiced it with integrity and fairness. I believe that the failures and setbacks I endured have given success its true worth and meaning. In the words of American novelist Truman Capote, failure is the spice that gives success its distinctive flavor.
I seek to realize my legend, regardless of the obstacles and challenges, just like Santiago in Paulo Coelho's 'The Alchemist.' Santiago clings to his dream, overcoming everything that stands in the way of its realization and ultimately reaching it. As for me, even on the premise of not arriving, the honor of trying suffices. Today, my dream and wish is that circumstances permit me, in the remaining days of my life, to continue writing my story for the people, for it is ultimately their story, as I am one of them.
* * *
In every issue, I eagerly awaited the release of 'Al-Rayah' newspaper, searching its pages with the fervor of one seeking themselves or a lost child. If I found it, joy enveloped me, radiating from my face to the tips of my fingers; if not, overwhelming disappointment washed over me.
When I first found my writing published and read it, I relished the moment, perhaps enveloped in a cloud of narcissism. But as I reread what had been published multiple times, that cloud dissipated. With each reading, I discovered its flaws and mistakes, which seemed to multiply: a gap here that should have been filled, an addition there that was necessary, a sentence that should have been postponed, another that needed to be prioritized, and phrases that could have been improved. I often felt that had this repeated reading occurred before publication, my writing would have been more beautiful and robust, if not less flawed. This realization suggested that I could have enriched my work—not to make it more substantial, but to make it less erroneous. When my work was published, I would buy several copies for archiving and preservation.
In the region of Al-Wahda, I would purchase newspapers, follow the news, and dream of working in journalism. My desire to enter this field was fervent, yet my academic background was unrelated to media; rather, it was connected to military tactics, fire training, and military sciences in general, far removed from journalism and media studies.
I aligned my aspirations with the notion of transitioning from one field to another, convincing myself: 'Ahmed Baha'a Al-Deen graduated from law school, yet became one of the most prominent Egyptian journalists, editing many newspapers and magazines such as 'Sabah Al-Khayr,' 'Al-Ahram,' 'Al-Arabi,' 'Akhir Sa'ah,' and 'Dar Al-Hilal.'' Many have excelled and thrived in journalism after leaving their studied disciplines, each becoming a renowned star, their names blazing like fire. Conversely, there are media graduates who abandoned their specialized fields and became stars in entirely different arenas, while others accomplished remarkable feats in areas unrelated to their studies, reaching the heights of innovation.
This applies as well to many famous stars and actors; for example, Ahmed Mazhar was originally a graduate of the Military Academy, Salah Thulfikar graduated from the Police Academy, and the satirical journalist Galal Amer graduated from the Military Academy, then pursued law and philosophy in the Faculty of Arts, not from the Faculty of Media. Fouad Al-Mohandes and Mahmoud Yassin graduated from law school, Yehia Al-Fakharany from medical school, and Adel Imam, Samir Ghanem, and Salah Al-Saadani from the Faculty of Agriculture, while Dureid Lahham graduated from the Faculty of Science, majoring in chemistry. Many who failed or left their specializations gained fame and success in entirely different fields.
* * *
My quest for self-discovery intertwined with my interests in storytelling, poetry, and political writing. I would send my writings to Al-Rayah newspaper through Lieutenant Ahmed Mas'ad Al-Qardaei, the paper's correspondent in the region. This colleague was among the active and daring elements, filled with remarkable ambition. After a long absence, during which I thought he had succumbed to fate, I published a photo of him a year ago, inquiring about his well-being. To my surprise, I found he was still alive, though struggling without support in the moral guidance department in Sana'a.
I sent various writings, contributions, and topics on international politics to Al-Rayah, a publication affiliated with the Ministry of Defense in Aden. Those few political pieces were published in their entirety, without omission or alteration. I still retain some of them today, 36 years after their publication.
I followed world news from the farthest East to the farthest West, covering everything from major issues to the smallest details. I wrote about American military interventions, both large and small, in the affairs of nations and peoples, imposing their guardianship and dominance following these interventions. I recall writing even about the American occupation of Grenada, which I followed intensely, as if it were my birthplace.
My political writings were often featured on the main page dedicated to international affairs. I vividly remember two articles that were published: one titled 'On the Margins of American Interventions,' and the other, almost in the same vein, titled 'The Worst of Calamities is What Makes You Laugh.' In the latter, I analyzed the flimsy justifications for American and British interventions worldwide, through which they impose their will and guardianship on nations under the pretense of these rationales, aptly summed up by the saying, 'an excuse worse than the sin.'
This interest perhaps positioned political science and international relations among the options I contemplated, ultimately leading me to pursue a degree in political science and obtain a diploma in international politics after university, while simultaneously studying in my first or second year at the Higher Judicial Institute in Sana'a.
As for my desire for journalism, it remained a dream that wrestled with my life's trajectory. I remember the first book I read on journalism: 'Introduction to Journalism,' in the early 1980s. After 2000, I began to engage with it as a reality, starting with editing 'Al-Qabaita' newsletter, which some referred to as the 'Newspaper of the Mad,' until I became the owner of a private newspaper, 'Al-Mustaqilah' and the news website 'Yemenat.' I contributed to editing some of its content, including interviews, surveys, snapshots, news, and the editing of various pages.
Despite the harsh circumstances and realities that conspired against me during this war, attempting to obliterate what I had achieved of dreams and aspirations, I continue to resist. I refuse to succumb to despair and loss, even as what unfolds has become universal and larger than ourselves. My stances on the parties involved in the war and conflict in Yemen have had their costs, which I still bear to this day.