Are Black Mothers Ruining Their Boys?

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12 hours ago

I am my mother's oldest son. I love who I am today, and despite many issues, she shaped me. My father was gone for goodcby the time I was 10. Even when he was around, he only taught me what I didn't want to be.
I love Black mothers, and what I'm bringing up here is a discussion, not a critique. Over years of observations and recent conversations, I've noticed a pattern.
Some people may be familiar with the cliche: Black mothers raise their daughters and love their sons. I hadn't heard it before, but I immediately understood it when I did.
Several women in my life believe their mothers favor their brothers. The girls were expected to achieve more academically, have more chores, and be more independent. The boys are coddled in a way the girls are not afforded.
This isn't just some bias specific to these women. I've seen it with my own eyes. One woman, although the youngest child, was expected to cook, clean, and iron her mother's clothes while her brothers played video games. I remember her telling me that for Christmas, she received a pack of Oreo cookies while her brothers received something more substantial. Even as an adult, she is expected to solve every family problem.
I've also seen this in the classroom when teaching siblings. Although this isn't always the case, I'm much more likely to see a mother struggle to believe her son is doing something 'bad'.
'Not my baby!' is a phrase I've heard from many mothers almost exclusively when I'm calling about their sons.
I recently received a video in which a man argued that Black mothers were ruining their sons because they loved on them too much for too long. He argued they are raising boys, not men, and went on to say the mothers wouldn't even date the type of man they are raising.
Love is a good thing. It is a crucial thing, but everything in moderation. Love your son, but don't hide him from the real world. Make him work. Allow him to fail. Have the same expectations for success you would have for your daughter.
Research shows it is possible to love your children too much. A bit of frustration and struggle in childhood creates adults who are better able to navigate the real world. When kids are overly protected, they struggle on deciding career paths and relationships. Depression, anxiety, and emptiness are all common symptoms.
The brother of the woman mentioned earlier is going through this right now. He is 40 years old, living at home, depressed, angry, and with no hope for the future. His sister is independent, career-driven, and financially successful.
Is the cliche true?
I acknowledge my bubble, and even within that, there are exceptions to the rule. If reading this, I would love to know your experiences, but I did decide to do a bit of research before throwing out my observation.
A 2010 study broached this topic. They took 1500 kids with Black mothers, and the results show there are some significant differences between sons and daughters, especially if we ignore boys who are born first. Boys who are born first and girls end up with similar results, but boys who are born later stand out.
'The results showed that later-born boys had fewer chores, argued more with their mothers, lived in less cognitively stimulating homes, and were not allowed to make the same decisions as were the girls or firstborn boys at the same age. The later-born boys were also lowest in achievement and highest in externalizing behaviors.' -source
Although again we are working with a smaller sample size, it does suggest there is some truth to the idea that 'boys are being loved too much.'
But why do mothers favor their sons? There isn't an easy answer to any of this, but I've found a common thread in my personal bubble and online. There seems to be an attempt to shield these boys from a harsh, racist world. Some people argue Black men have it harder, especially when we look at the prison system. Police brutality is a rampant problem for everyone, but Black people, and especially Black men, are disproportionately the victims. The justice system was built to criminalize and punish Black men to the extreme. From this angle, it isn't hard to see why a mother would want to shield her son from that world.
The way a mother perceives the world likely impacts how she treats her son, but the way she perceives Black men will likely have just as much impact. Centuries of propaganda and perhaps personal experiences may teach Black women to believe Black men can't succeed. They are going to end up in a gang, or jail, etc. Why push him to succeed if he can't succeed?
One study shows Black mothers have lower expectations for their sons and believe them to be less academically competent. This study consisted of 334 African American mothers from diverse backgrounds. Some were married, some were from urban areas, etc. This supports what I generally see in the classroom. On average, Black mothers are more likely to push their sons when they are athletes.
In relation to this mindset, mothers push their daughters so hard because of the same belief, men will fail you. Black women have to be successful, independent, and educated to conquer the world. Men raised by those same parents enter the world with only the goal of surviving and staying out of trouble.
Sadly, in many situations, this mindset hurts everyone. Once they grow up, many of these successful daughters are expected to raise these sons, who were never raised by their mothers.
Despite my claims here, every situation is different. This isn't an indictment on how anyone is raising their children.
I also need to point out while doing research, I saw some pretty negative comments, especially toward Black women. I'm relatively certain those people just look for any reason to attack Black women because the comments didn't relate to the actual topic. To be clear, this is about Black people, and people in general, as a whole. I encourage people to join the conversation, but please keep your unrelated hatred to yourself.
Motherhood is hard. They are expected to be perfect and receive most of the blame whenever something goes wrong. In comparison, fathers are rewarded for doing the bare minimum. (Have you ever seen a father go to the grocery store with the kids?)
Mothers usually do the best they can with the tools they receive. I doubt any mother is consciously favoring their sons, especially if they understand how it may impact them in adulthood. Hopefully, this works as another tool, something to consider while navigating the most difficult job in the world.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of LG Ware's work on Medium.
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