How the f--- are we losing at swearing to the Yanks and Poms?
I'm pissed (in the American sense) we're lagging in our national sport. I'm absolutely tamping (to borrow Welsh slang) to eat Pommy dust. In 2023, when our Diamonds lost by a lousy netball goal to England, I could take my lumps. But losing in swearing? That's bullshit.
The boilover was announced in Lingua, under the banner: 'Bad Language and Vulgarity Online and in Public Discourse'. Salting the wounds, the chief authors were Dr Martin Schweinberger from the University of Queensland and Professor Kate Burridge from Monash. Yep, locals. So we can't suspect crooked umpiring.
Almost 600 vulgarities were audited, from the usual suspects to the innocuous colour your granny may add to a crochet anecdote: feck, damn, idiot, fart. Beyond the orthodox lay the creative, including arsewipe and f---trumpet, where at least we outshone our rivals.
Numerically, we lost to the US and Britain by a bee's dick, our swear words comprising 0.022 per cent of our online discourse, compared to 0.036 per cent across America. A smidge, but the figures hurt. Though if our pride is bruised, imagine the dudgeon in Ireland, also among the 20 Englishes surveyed, the Emerald Isle slumping to a pitiful seventh on the ladder.
Dublin musician and TikTok star Garron Noone took to the platforms in fury. 'The title [of biggest swearer] clearly belongs to the Irish. I demand a f---ing recount. Americans are absolute amateur swearers. It's child's play what you're doing over there. We throw around c--- like it's a f---ing comma.'
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Culture is the key, as Schweinberger says. America is 'often associated with Protestant puritanism, Christian fervour and prudishness', suggesting cyberspace may serve as a release valve, a chance to blurt taboos that social norms forbid in Main Street. Contrast that, as Burridge says, with the sass of our prominent ad campaigns, from 'Drink, Drive, Bloody Idiot' to 'Where the Bloody Hell Are You?'.
I can't speak for you, but vulgarities leaven everyday speech, whether that's under your breath or shooting the shit with peers. Here and there, an f-bomb adds punch to a punchline, spices an argument, enhances tempo. Use frugally for best effects, of course, but most of us trade profanities like so many footy cards.
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