My teens and I text each other everything from memes to meaningful articles. Modeling healthy tech boundaries is key.

Business Insider

2 days ago

I've read the headlines, skimmed the studies, and fought the impulse to yank every device from my kids' hands and toss them into a screen-free cabin in the woods. Like most modern parents, I worry about screens.
But I've also seen the good that can come from technology. I believe it's possible to raise emotionally intelligent, creative, and grounded kids — not by banning screens, but by modeling how to use them with intention.
Unexpectedly, smartphones made my kids feel less isolated
We've gotten all three of our daughters' phones in eighth grade, and when we got our youngest daughter her first phone, I braced for her to become more withdrawn from friends and family. Middle school had been a little lonely — her closest friends lived in our neighborhood but went to different schools, and the lunchroom social shuffle wasn't always kind. I worried a phone would only isolate her more. But the opposite happened. Group texts became lifelines: inside jokes, spontaneous hangouts, encouragement on rough days. Her phone became a bridge, not a wall.
That bridge also reaches all the way to college, where her older sister just wrapped up her freshman year. They text nearly every day — silly memes, heart emojis, cute photos of our dog snoring on the couch. Their relationship hasn't faded with distance; it's shifted and, in some ways, grown stronger through the digital thread that connects them.
Phones in our family aren't just for staying in touch. My oldest daughter has begun to find her voice around social justice issues through Instagram — sharing resources, following organizers, and supporting friends through these outlets.
My middle and youngest daughters, both budding foodies, dive into recipe videos on TikTok and YouTube — my youngest doesn't have these apps yet, but follows her sister's lead. The other night, they made homemade boba tea — yes, including from-scratch tapioca pearls — from a video my middle daughter saved. It took forever, but they laughed the whole way through. And the tea? Surprisingly good.
I'm talking to them about technology and modeling healthy boundaries
I'm not just a bystander in all this. I'm in it with them. I send my daughters memes, reels, and articles — funny, profound, or just weird in the best way. Sometimes it's a way to check in. Sometimes it's how we process the world together. I've had better conversations with my teens sparked by a 20-second video than from the age-old "How was school?"
Of course, we set boundaries. We delay social media until high school — my youngest can get those apps next year if she requests them. We talk about the difference between passive scrolling and active engagement. We ask questions like: What does this video do for you? Do you ever see things that make you uncomfortable? And we try to practice what we preach.
My husband and I both use our phones for work, and we're learning to narrate that: "I'm writing an article," or "I'm researching something," instead of just disappearing into our screens. That said, I'm guilty of scrolling, too — and my kids have no problem calling me out on it.
Recently, I joined stop-motion artist Colette Peri's "Touch Grass" phone boundaries challenge, and it's made me more mindful of my own habits. Setting screen limits for myself — like no scrolling in bed, and taking phone-free walks — has been good for me and, I hope, good modeling for them. I'm building up to a phone-free day, too. Not quite there yet. Our kids don't need us to be perfect; they need us to be honest.
Technology is part of our family's life, like books, board games, and backpacks. I'm not here to police my kids into tech shame, though I definitely fall into that trap sometimes. I want to raise kids who can navigate this world with curiosity, empathy, and agency. Phones and social media aren't going anywhere. So instead of pretending it's all doom, I'm leaning in — asking better questions, setting boundaries, and yes, sending a few cat memes along the way.
Because if parenting has taught me anything, it's this: We don't get to choose the world our kids grow up in — but we do get to help them live wisely and well within it.