Why a river cruise is the most underrated parent-and-child break

Telegraph

7 days ago

On our third day afloat, a realisation surfaced: river cruising is much like watching a magic trick unfold in tantalising slow motion. The night before, I'd drawn the tasselled velvet drapes on Vienna's urban waterfront, the sun dipping behind glassy skyscrapers.
By morning, a theatrical tug of the curtains revealed an entirely different scene – ta da! – turreted fortresses and rolling vineyards in storybook Dürnstein, some 50 miles further along the snaking River Danube. Best of all, not once had I needed to ferry my daughter from A to B, as the logistics of travel had been covertly orchestrated on our behalf. And all while we slept soundly in plump Savoir beds.
I had set sail with eight-year-old Indiana on Uniworld's Enchanting Danube tour, a week-long voyage weaving through Hungary, Slovakia, Austria and Germany. The cruise was part of Uniworld's Generations Collection: all-inclusive river journeys departing during school holidays, tailored to families with daily outings, baking and mocktail making workshops, and a kid's cinema lounge stacked high with games.
We had signed up for the Austria to Germany leg of the tour, joining the S.S. Maria Theresa in the port of Vienna. Not too big, not too small, the boat's size felt just right for this duo of novice cruisers, with three floors accommodating 130 passengers. Stepping onboard, it quickly became clear these trips aren't just popular with parents and children. They're a hit with the older generation, too, as most families had brought grandparents along for the ride.
Following a suitably regal welcome – a concert of Mozart and Strauss in the gilded halls of Vienna's grand Heeresgeschichtliches Museum – our coaches rolled out the next morning, bound for one of the city's crown jewels: Schönbrunn Palace. Said to house some 1,444 rooms (though who's counting?), this magnificent Baroque residence was once the summer playground of a young Marie Antoinette. We were there to explore her aristocratic childhood and to contrast it with the far less pampered lives of her contemporaries, in the palace's charming Children's Museum, tucked away in a side wing.
Far from a dusty relic, this immersive museum feels more like an imperial play park. We were greeted with closets overflowing with fancy court costumes and towering wigs for dressing up. The children – there were 23 in our group ranging in age from four to mid-teens – made their way to the lower-ground exhibits by whizzing down a slide, no less.
Winding our way through chambers dripping in gold, we all tried our hand at scrubbing laundry in an iron tub, staggering around on wooden stilts and decoding the oh-so secret language of fan etiquette. For the grand finale, a royal dining table was laid out in its Sunday best, which the children promptly took over, serving up delicacies such as plastic lobster to the adults. 'It's even better than Buckingham Palace,' Indiana announced as we left, declaring the wig salon, where children get to style 18th-century coiffures with feathers, the show-stealer.
Back on board, the transition from palace grandeur to passenger ship was a startlingly seamless one. The boat's fabulously splashy interiors almost rivalled the fairy-tale mansions that kept appearing just beyond the portholes. This was no accident, hotel manager Ruben Santos explained, as we toured the ship. Every detail, from hand-painted trompe-l'œil murals and sumptuous fabric wallpaper to marbled bathrooms and canopied beds, pays homage to the Habsburgs, a mighty dynasty that ruled Austria for more than 600 years.
All this opulence is anchored by a sweeping staircase framed by a portrait of the formidable ruler Maria Theresa, twinkling under a Venetian Murano glass chandelier in the boat's lobby. Less generic hotel, more Versailles on water, it's an aesthetic vision that would make the heart of any maximalist sing with joy.
Speaking of warbling, and buoyed by a leisurely day drifting along the Danube and meandering through medieval towns, we soon found ourselves warming up the vocal cords on a Sound of Music -themed excursion, having docked in Linz in Northern Austria.
'That film has been the best marketing campaign imaginable for our region,' said our no-nonsense guide, Sandra Preiss, crackling through the coach's microphone. With a shrug, she added that the musical barely caused a ripple in Austria, despite being largely filmed here 60 years ago.
'The hills are alive/with the sound of music,' came the singsong over the speakers as we rounded a bend into the lakeside town of Mondsee. Here, we were met with a scene seemingly plucked from the film's poster, minus the von Trapps twirling across the grassy meadow. Craggy Alpine peaks rose above mirrored lakes, their reflections broken only by gingerbread-style cottages dotting the shore. We ducked into Basilika St Michael, the brooding Gothic church where Maria wed the Captain, before settling into a dinky café for an apple strudel roughly the size of a brick.
Thirty minutes later we were in Salzburg, waltzing through a city forever (for Brits and Americans, at least) linked to singing nuns and sweeping scores. At the Residence Fountain, considered one of Europe's finest baroque monuments, we channelled Maria, splashing our hands just as she did while declaring 'confidence in confidence alone', as horse-drawn carriages trip-trapped past.
Winding through alleys flanked by frothy rococo facades, we arrived at the birthplace of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, born in 1756. In homage, Indiana insisted we pop into a sweet shop that's been hand-dipping Mozartkugel (Mozart balls) since 1865. We savoured the marzipan-and-chocolate confections beneath the whitewashed castle that once played the part of Maria's convent, before yodelling our way back to the boat.
For the cruise's final act, the curtain lifted on the penultimate day in the staggeringly pretty town of Passau, in Germany's Lower Bavaria. We joined the other families, by now feeling rather like the von Trapp collective, for a treasure hunt through the old town, led by tour guide Dominik Jesser in full lederhosen.
As we dashed between clues, he deftly slipped in historical nuggets: this is the 'City of Three Rivers', where the now-familiar Danube meets the Inn and Ilz, and was also once a key Roman trading post. But it was all delivered with such a light touch, the children barely noticed they were learning.
Watching the sun set from the deck later that evening, I realised that this was really the cruise's greatest sleight of hand. For a river journey that's taken in Unesco World Heritage sites, classical concerts and more historic palaces than you can shake a laced fan at, it had somehow transformed centuries of European high culture into something that felt entirely like play.
Essentials
Zoey Goto travelled as a guest of Uniworld, which offers the eight-day Enchanting Danube trip – one of its dedicated Generations departures – from £2,665 per person (based on two sharing; the price is the same for adults and children). This includes seven nights on an all-inclusive basis (including premium wines and spirits at any time), return flights, a full programme of activities for both adults and children, and a dedicated children's host. There are two departures next year during UK school holidays: July 19 and 26.