Here's how to mind your peas and cues

The Herald Scotland

5 days ago

No, we don't mean Fantastic Four member The Thing.
We're talking about Donald Trump, who enjoyed a working holiday in Scotland, where he has roots.
There's been lots of coverage of the trip, though the comment we enjoyed the most comes from author and journalist Aris Roussinos on social media: 'The entirety of Europe's political class crawled to pay tribute to a Highland Gaelic warlord who also happens to be the American President. Objectively, this is the summit of [[Gaelic]] civilisation (so far).'
Undone in London
A Diary mention of Henry VIII reminds Bill Rutherford from Galashiels of his favourite example of graffiti, found on a poster on the London Underground in the 1970s.
The poster depicted King Henry standing at the ticket counter and saying to the clerk behind the glass: "Return ticket to the Tower of London please"
Somebody had written underneath: "And a single for the wife."
Dead handy
An ageing friend of reader Arthur Duke was moaning in the pub the other evening.
'It's a bit sad,' he said. 'I seem to go to more funerals than weddings nowadays.'
Another of Arthur's friends disagreed with this statement, and said: 'I also go to more funerals than weddings these days. And I prefer it. At least you don't have to bring a present.'
Seeing red
On a night out some years back, reader Jenny Stevens got talking at the bar to a charmless chat-up merchant.
It was a smoky club, and before the chap made his entrance Jenny had been rubbing her eyes.
When the bloke arrived he glanced at the scarlet dress she was wearing, glanced at her face, then said: 'Red really suits you. Matches the colour of your eyes.'
Life sucks
Excellent advice from reader Amber Ewing: 'Don't wear headphones while hoovering. I finished cleaning the entire house before I realised that the vacuum wasn't plugged in.'
T'd off
Fashion statements don't always hit the mark.
George Mitchell was strolling along Buchanan Street with his wife when a burly and bearded bloke ambled past wearing a Harley-Davidson T-shirt.
Noticing the chap, George's wife whispered to hubby: 'It's all show. I bet he doesn't even listen to their music.'
Wheely interesting fact
A history lesson from reader Martin Pollock: 'The bloke who invented the merry-go-round and the chap who invented the Ferris wheel never met. They travelled in different circles.'