How to increase your sex drive

The Star

22-05-2025

If you had told me ten years ago that I'd be writing about how to increase my sex drive, I would've laughed. I was confident, sexually active, and honestly never imagined that something so foundational to my identity could change. But here I am, standing firmly in my sixties and navigating a different relationship with sex, desire, and pleasure.
Let me say this upfront: losing or experiencing a dip in libido is incredibly common, particularly during perimenopause, menopause, and beyond. It's not about how liberal or adventurous you once were—it's about how your body, hormones, emotions, and environment evolve. And yes, you can absolutely reignite your sex drive, but the journey might look a little different than it did in your thirties.
Why Is My Libido Changing?
Let's start with the facts. Studies show that approximately 80% of women report changes in sexual desire during the menopause transition. Meanwhile, a significant number of men also report a decrease in libido with age, though the cultural narrative often focuses more on women's 'dry spells.'
One study found that over 50% of men and around 33% of women over the age of 70 were still sexually active—having sex at least twice a month. That might not sound like a wild time to some, but for others, it's a promising statistic. Twice a month? Not too shabby.
So, why does our sex drive change?
Hormones are a big part of the picture. As oestrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels drop, so does natural lubrication, elasticity of vaginal tissues, and the ability to feel as easily aroused. Some people feel that their bodies suddenly belong to someone else, a stranger who isn't very interested in sex.
The Physical Factors
One of the most common issues post-menopause is Genitourinary Syndrome of
Menopause (GSM), which causes vaginal dryness, thinning of the vaginal walls, irritation, and even pain during sex. These changes can significantly impact sexual interest and activity.
But here's the good news: most of this is treatable.
A good lubricant (I recommend the Pjur range available from lolamontez.co.za) can work wonders, especially those made for sensitive skin. But more than that, addressing GSM with vaginal oestrogen creams, hormone therapy (HRT), or moisturisers can offer tremendous relief and restore comfort.
Additionally, vibrators and other adult toys aren't just 'fun extras.' They're tools of
empowerment. Using a vibrator increases blood flow to the pelvic region, which promotes natural lubrication and helps keep vaginal tissues supple. Consider it your gym for sexual health—just more enjoyable.
Red light therapy is another treatment I've begun using to improve collagen production and skin texture. Though research is still growing, it's showing promise for restoring tissue health and resilience.
Psychological and Emotional Barriers
Sex isn't just physical—it's profoundly emotional and mental.
Menopause often coincides with huge life shifts: children leaving home, aging parents, career changes, or retirement. Anxiety, depression, body image issues, and a sense of lost identity can all negatively impact your desire.
And then there's the cultural narrative. Let's be real: society rarely portrays older women as sexy. We're often desexualized, dismissed, or made invisible. Media reinforces that once we're past our reproductive years, we no longer matter. That's utter nonsense and deeply harmful.
It takes courage and community to rewrite that narrative and claim pleasure as our birthright, at every age.
How Arousal Changes with Age
It's worth noting that even if your libido (the desire for sex) hasn't changed, your arousal response might. You might find it takes longer to get turned on, or that orgasms are less intense or harder to achieve.
Again, you're not broken. This is a known response to lower levels of testosterone and oestrogen, which affect sensitivity, lubrication, and blood flow.
What helps? Besides vibrators and lubrication, engaging your mind is key.
Women's arousal is often strongly tied to emotional and mental stimulation. Erotic literature, fantasy, sensual massage, or simply prioritizing time for yourself can help reconnect you with your body and your desire.
Don't suffer in silence – Seek help
If changes to your libido or sexual response are affecting your well-being or relationships, please speak to a healthcare provider. There are so many treatment options available now that weren't discussed a decade ago.
These include:
Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) – for replenishing oestrogen and
testosterone
Vaginal oestrogen therapy – for targeted relief of GSM
Psychosexual therapy – for addressing emotional or relational barriers
Pelvic floor therapy – to strengthen muscles and improve sensation
And yes, adult toys and high-quality lubricants are not only fun—they're part of a
medically sound toolkit.
Let's Talk About HRT
Here's where I get passionate. I've spoken to more than 30 women recently, and only two were on HRT. Why? Because the myths from that outdated study in the early 2000s still loom large.
But here's the truth: new, robust research has debunked those fears. When appropriately prescribed, HRT is safe for most women and offers numerous benefits, including improved libido, mood, bone health, and cardiovascular protection.
If your healthcare provider is still operating from outdated data, it might be time to find someone who's menopause-informed and up to date. You deserve care that reflects the latest science, not fear from twenty years ago.
If you're ready to reconnect with your desire, here are some practical steps: Prioritize sleep – Hormone balance starts with rest. Move your body – Exercise increases endorphins and body confidence. Eat hormone-supportive foods – Think omega-3s, phytoestrogens, and healthy fats. Schedule intimacy – Yes, even with yourself. Make space for pleasure. Try something new – A different toy, a new book, a guided sensual meditation. Speak up – Communicate with your partner. Be honest. Sex can evolve into something more connected and meaningful.
The Bottom Line: Your libido is not a switch that just flips off forever. It's a complex interplay of hormones, mindset, relationships, and lifestyle—and yes, it can be reignited. Sex isn't just about reproduction. It's about joy, intimacy, health, identity, and connection. Your sexuality is still yours, no matter your age. Own it. Explore it. Celebrate it. And if you need a little help along the way? That's not weakness. That's wisdom.