‘My ex-husband and I have been invited to a wedding - and I'm worried'

Irish Times

4 days ago

Question
My ex-husband and I
divorced
when our two
children
were quite young. The girls have suffered as a result of his missing out on lots in their lives and there is now an opportunity for some reparation.
My god
daughter is getting married and she is connected to both of our families and has invited all of us to her wedding. She has included my ex and his mother and siblings, plus my children and the rest of my family of origin. I was very angry with my ex for a long time, particularly over the disappointment the children suffered at his not making enough effort with them but the girls are particularly excited at his being at this event and I feel I need to make an effort for them.
I have decided to let bygones be bygones and open up to him and his family for the event, even though they have been disdainful and dismissive of me since the divorce. There is a possibility that my ex is more open to co-
parenting
and we've had a few tentative communications. The problem is my family – they are also hurt and angry with my ex and his family for the way he treated me and they say they will not speak to any of them at the wedding. They think I am soft and stupid for giving in to him.
I really just want to focus on my girls and give them a great day but I feel very stuck in the middle and worry that no matter what I do, something will fall apart: either my own family, who are my support system, will be hurt or my kids will lose out on feeling good about having their dad and mum in the same room.
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Answer
Your attitude is excellent in that you are planning on meeting the biggest need in this situation – that of your daughters having a good relationship with both parents.
However, it sounds as though you have arrived at this magnanimous place after what must have been a tough time during the separation. Your ex-husband has missed so much of your children's lives and it was a very good thing that your family supported you. However, it often happens that family and friends remain more angry than the partner, and yours are still outraged at the way you have been treated.
However, it is really your decision regarding the event and they should follow your lead and they are more likely to do this if you sound confident and assertive in your belief that being civil to your husband and his family is good for your children. Confidence stems from having faith in your decision and trusting that it is the right thing to do. Speaking openly and often about your stance will not only enhance your own position but will also let your family hear your seriousness and might offer them an opportunity to work out their own difficulties and reservations.
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Co-parenting: 'We always put our children's needs before our own, so we could see the bigger picture'
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Remember that it is not your job to sort out or fix their anger, but it is important that they know you no longer need them as champions of your victimisation. You no longer feel this way and are now a person who is strong and confident and is following a decision that is the best for your children. A suggestion might be to propose to your ex that he send an email or text to your family saying that he is grateful for this opportunity for reconnect, but this depends on your willingness to have this conversation. This message might soften your family's position, but it might also demonstrate an acknowledgment on his part of the schism that took place. If you are genuinely suggesting that he be invited into co-parenting, then it will be important for the two of you to have some challenging conversations and this could be the starting point for future discussions.
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'I left my husband for another man and our two children are bearing the brunt of his refusal to speak to me'
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Your daughters will benefit from having parents who can speak robustly together and so they will not have to protect you from each other, this will be of huge benefit in their lives. Trust that your position is one of largesse, and one of confidence and that you are now in the leadership position, both with your own family and with your ex-husband. This can only improve life for all concerned and well done to you.
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