Banjo's Skye cottage was ripped from his arms, Wee City Nook was nuked
Well, okay, we don't. But it's nice to dream for a spell.
Glasgow's Home for an Art Lover, now the established location, location, location for the final, inspired the judges to up their outfit game.
Anna Campbell-Jones and Banjo Beale went full home decor with a dress and a suit that could have been cut from the curtains. Danny Campbell, an architect and therefore required by law to wear black at all times, opted for a kilt with pockets (eh?), T-shirt, socks and his usual Crocs.
After several slo-mo walks in the grounds, it was off to 'the Deliberation Room' where chief judge Anna read the riot act. 'We've had our fun choosing these six beautiful finalists,' she said, 'but now it's time to get serious.'
They were as good as Anna's word. A person's fate has been decided with less deliberation than went on within those four walls. The judges argued, they pleaded, they begged to differ. It was done very politely, and as a result took longer than was necessary. A punch-up would have been much quicker.
Meanwhile, in another room, the finalists were having a splendid time quizzing each other. 'How do you clean that?' asked one, pointing to a photo of a huge skylight. 'With great difficulty,' came the answer. Everyone felt the speaker's pain.
Back in the deliberation room, homes were being squeegeed out of the competition, left, right and centre. Banjo had his beloved An Cala cottage on Skye torn from his arms. The Wee City Nook was nuked. Brutal. Finally, it came down to two properties: Craigmount near Dalbeattie and Hilltop House in Aberdeenshire. Both had scored top marks in their heats. How could the judges choose between them? Well, they managed it.
Hilltop House's triumph perfectly illustrated a SHOTY rule: the competition is not over till the bespectacled blonde sings the winner's praises. Homes at the start of the competition - Hilltop House featured in episode two - tend to roar back into the running come the final.
The homeowners were delighted. 'Surreal,' said Jessica, who lives in the contemporary house with Chris, their son Chase, and two dogs, Enzo and Dino. Jessica is from California and therefore no stranger to the more bizarre side of life. They should show SHOTY in California. I bet it would become cult viewing.
And just like that, the seventh series was over. Filming on the eighth starts later this month. Soon there will be another set of hopefuls karate-chopping the cushions and buffing the parquet in preparation for the arrival of Banjo, Anna and Danny.
Britain may be broke, as Panorama said, but as long as SHOTY exists, Scotland will be okay. Remember: we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking through the meticulously cleaned skylight at the stars.
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