Dear Coleen: 'My family is at war and they are ganging up on me and my daughter'
Dear Coleen
I have a very strained relationship with my mother and one of my brothers, which makes things difficult in the family. Despite what's going on with the adults, I've always made a big effort to make sure they both still have a relationship with my daughter.
On the other hand, my brother will never allow me to see his kids. It's frustrating because every time I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere with my mother, something is said or done to undo all the progress. I'm struggling to convey to her how ostracised I feel from the rest of the family. Whenever I start a conversation with my mum and try to explain things from my side, she just gets so defensive, so the whole thing feels utterly pointless.
I still feel so hurt that the entire family – except me and my daughter – spent the Christmas holiday together. And, of course, I feel especially bad for my daughter, who would have loved to spend Christmas with her cousins. I'm at a loss as to how to mend this fractured relationship. Is there anything you can suggest that might help?
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Coleen says
OK, well, you haven't said what caused the falling out, so I'm wondering if this is hard for you to face up to or maybe you feel some guilt or denial around what happened. I wonder if you're a bit defensive, too, when you talk to your mum.
Leaving the cause aside, I think it's hard for a parent when siblings fall out because you feel caught between a rock and hard place. You love all your children and don't want to take sides, but it could be down to family dynamics: maybe your brother has always been needier, or perhaps he's always been tricky to deal with, so she makes more of an effort to keep him happy.
Look, it's horrible to feel you're the one being ostracised – I get it. If you're not getting anywhere talking to your mum, then put how you feel in a letter and let her think about it. Sometimes, a bit of space away from each other is useful. You have to say, 'I love you, but this situation is hurting me. I'll be here if you want to talk or if you need me'.
Also, think about whether there's a friend or relative, who you all respect and trust, who could mediate. All your kids stand to lose out here in terms of relationships, which is something your mum and brother should think about. You've allowed your daughter to see her uncle, but I'm afraid you can't force him to do the same. The ball is in his court.
I fell out with two of my sisters and we didn't speak for four years. Here's the thing – whatever we argued about seems so unimportant now and it definitely wasn't worth losing those years together.
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