Dear Coleen: I am struggling to cope with his ADHD and nasty moods
Dear Coleen
MY partner has ADHD and other issues, including an explosive temper and depression. He lost his mum five weeks ago, so he's up one day and down the next.
His mum was special to him – the one person he could talk to and who was always on his side. He's missing her a lot.
We have a good relationship when things are going well and a successful small business, which I take most of the responsibility for, but that's OK because I know there are certain things he can't do.
ADHD affects his time-keeping, so jobs get put off until the last minute and then stress builds up and he blows his top.
I try hard to aid him in everything so he stays on track, but his temper explodes all the time and I'm in the firing line.
He'll ask me for a tool and if I don't drop everything to get it, he'll scream and swear and make a scene, and doesn't care if people are around or not.
He's prone to road rage, too, and it's not pleasant to go anywhere with him. I'm on the edge of my seat all the time.
One of these episodes happened at work the other day and I haven't felt like talking or being close to him since. He's been so much harder to deal with after losing his mum.
He manipulates situations, so I end up feeling like the one in the wrong. I'm never allowed to be upset – I have to just let it go in order to get jobs done and keep the business running.
It's exhausting trying to manage him.
Coleen says
YOU'RE trying so hard to keep a lid on things, walking on eggshells and anticipating problems before they happen. It must be exhausting.
But he needs to be the one to take control and get professional help, which he needs. The acute issue is grief, which a bereavement counsellor could help with, but it takes time to heal.
In terms of his ADHD, medication could be an option if he'd be willing to discuss it with his doctor. After suffering for ages, a friend of mine decided to take meds and it turned her life around. There's also cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which is very effective for people with ADHD.
What you need to say is you can't go on with things as they are, but talk to him in a calm moment or write down how you feel, so he can read it and think about it. He has to accept you can't provide the help he needs and it's not all about him – you're at breaking point.
Anger is a common emotion when you've been bereaved. I felt it when my sister Linda died this year but I recognised
early on I was overwhelmed and started therapy, and still go every week.
You can speak to a therapist, too, which would be a positive step in helping you take control of your needs. Good luck.
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"This often leads to low self-esteem, with individuals internalising harmful beliefs like 'I'm lazy' which can increase the risk of anxiety and depression. "Without understanding the root cause, people may turn to coping mechanisms like excessive caffeine, or other substances to self-regulate. "Relationships may also suffer due to impulsivity, forgetfulness, or emotional reactivity, all of which can create unnecessary conflict. "Getting a diagnosis can bring clarity, relief, and a starting point for meaningful support." How ADHD is treated For some people, just knowing their diagnosis brings relief as it helps them to make sense of themselves and they do not want formalised treatment. For those that want treatment, that can look like a combination of medication, psychological support, and lifestyle adjustments, says Dr Kumar. 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