
Dear Coleen: I am struggling to cope with his ADHD and nasty moods
Dear Coleen
MY partner has ADHD and other issues, including an explosive temper and depression. He lost his mum five weeks ago, so he's up one day and down the next.
His mum was special to him – the one person he could talk to and who was always on his side. He's missing her a lot.
We have a good relationship when things are going well and a successful small business, which I take most of the responsibility for, but that's OK because I know there are certain things he can't do.
ADHD affects his time-keeping, so jobs get put off until the last minute and then stress builds up and he blows his top.
I try hard to aid him in everything so he stays on track, but his temper explodes all the time and I'm in the firing line.
He'll ask me for a tool and if I don't drop everything to get it, he'll scream and swear and make a scene, and doesn't care if people are around or not.
He's prone to road rage, too, and it's not pleasant to go anywhere with him. I'm on the edge of my seat all the time.
One of these episodes happened at work the other day and I haven't felt like talking or being close to him since. He's been so much harder to deal with after losing his mum.
He manipulates situations, so I end up feeling like the one in the wrong. I'm never allowed to be upset – I have to just let it go in order to get jobs done and keep the business running.
It's exhausting trying to manage him.
Coleen says
YOU'RE trying so hard to keep a lid on things, walking on eggshells and anticipating problems before they happen. It must be exhausting.
But he needs to be the one to take control and get professional help, which he needs. The acute issue is grief, which a bereavement counsellor could help with, but it takes time to heal.
In terms of his ADHD, medication could be an option if he'd be willing to discuss it with his doctor. After suffering for ages, a friend of mine decided to take meds and it turned her life around. There's also cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which is very effective for people with ADHD.
What you need to say is you can't go on with things as they are, but talk to him in a calm moment or write down how you feel, so he can read it and think about it. He has to accept you can't provide the help he needs and it's not all about him – you're at breaking point.
Anger is a common emotion when you've been bereaved. I felt it when my sister Linda died this year but I recognised
early on I was overwhelmed and started therapy, and still go every week.
You can speak to a therapist, too, which would be a positive step in helping you take control of your needs. Good luck.

Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles


Telegraph
2 hours ago
- Telegraph
The misuse of ADHD drugs – and what they really do to your body and brain
Be more alert; improve your focus; do better at work: these are the reasons why high-flyers, from surgeons to lawyers and bankers, take 'brain-doping' ADHD drugs despite not having the condition. Now, increasing numbers of elite athletes are joining them, looking for something extra to give them the competitive edge. But taking ADHD drugs when you don't need them will certainly do more harm than good, with many takers becoming more irritable, experiencing sleep disruption and, in the most serious cases, causing heart problems, anxiety and depression. Sportspeople are barred by the World Anti-Doping Agency from taking ADHD medications such as Ritalin and Adderall before competing, but those who have been diagnosed with ADHD are exempt, on the grounds that they need the drugs to function. Such exemptions have tripled in the last five years, so suspicion has turned to the 'subjective assessments' by doctors to diagnose athletes with ADHD in adulthood, John Brewer, a former UK Anti Doping board member told The Telegraph last month. There has been a known black market for ADHD drugs ever since they became available to buy online, with packets of Ritalin, the drug most commonly prescribed to people with ADHD in Britain, selling for less than £20 on the websites of unscrupulous online pharmacies. It's more common, however, for stressed students and professionals alike to acquire spare pills from friends and family. In fact parents, who believe they have ADHD but have never been diagnosed, have been known 'to take stimulants that have been prescribed for their children because they think it helps them to perform better', says Katya Rubia, professor of cognitive neuroscience at King's College London. What are the main ADHD drugs and how do they affect your brain? In Britain, the drug most commonly prescribed for ADHD is Ritalin, the brand name for the drug methylphenidate – a type of stimulant drug. Adderall, another stimulant drug, is typically prescribed in America, and sometimes finds its way into the hands of British students (or professionals) illegally. There is an important distinction between 'misuse' of ADHD drugs – taking them in their prescribed doses when you don't have ADHD – and 'abuse', which means taking large amounts of Adderall or Ritalin for a high, says Prof Rubia. ADHD drugs are considered to be 'very safe' in the small doses prescribed to treat the condition, adds Prof Rubia, but abusing the drugs can cause heart palpitations, stomach aches and can be 'neurotoxic'. 'They actually change your brain's dopamine system, producing effects like anxiety and depression, as well as inattention and difficulties with memory,' she adds. In other words, abusing ADHD drugs can leave you with a set of symptoms that look a lot like ADHD. Prof Rubia also strongly advises against misusing ADHD drugs because 'you shouldn't take ADHD drugs at all if you don't have ADHD; you're a healthy person and the side effects are unnecessary'. You might believe that taking ADHD drugs when you don't have ADHD would make you think more sharply, but that's far from the truth. ADHD drugs 'work on your brain's dopamine system, to increase the amount that your brain has available to use,' says Prof Rubia. People with ADHD 'don't have enough dopamine, so struggle with motivation, concentration and focus, as well as keeping time and controlling their own behaviour, especially in children'. Taken by people without ADHD, the drugs might improve alertness, but they have a negative impact on other functioning, due to the 'U-shaped' impact of the levels of dopamine in your brain: past a certain point, your attention, focus and motivation will suffer. 'If you don't have ADHD, you already have an optimal amount of dopamine in your system, so increasing it will make you perform worse,' Prof Rubia says. One study, published in 2023, gave three groups a common 'smart drug' (Adderall, Ritalin or Modafinil, which is prescribed for narcolepsy in Britain) and observed how it affected their performance in a problem-solving task. 'When taking any of the drugs, the participants tried harder, but performed less well,' says Peter Bossaerts, professor of neuroeconomics at the University of Cambridge, who led the study. Those who performed best without the drugs 'performed below the mean when they were on them,' he adds. 'So they aren't really smart drugs. They make you dumber, but more busy and more motivated.' Another study, using a similar task to assess cognitive performance, found again that 'people who took 'smart drugs' performed worse despite trying harder,' Prof Bossaerts says. Here, worsened memory seemed to be behind the decline in ability. 'Dopamine doesn't only affect motivation, but also your memory, and drugs like Ritalin work on the dopamine receptors in your prefrontal cortex' – the part of your brain that manages your working memory and lets you retrieve memories from the past, Prof Bossaerts points out. The effects of taking so-called 'smart drugs' (also known as 'study drugs') are also short-lived. 'Students who take them might feel a bit down and sluggish for a few days after their exams, but they'll quickly pick up again in most cases,' says Prof Bossaerts. Abuse, or taking large amounts of Adderall or Ritalin for a high, is another matter. This means that the drugs have a 'high potential for abuse', even if you start out taking them occasionally to pull an all-nighter or meet an important deadline, Prof Rubia believes. 'As your body gets used to them, you need more and more to feel the same effects.' The way in which ADHD drugs are prescribed for people who require them is vital. 'Over months or years you will see their effects decline over time' explains Prof Rubia. 'ADHD drugs are the best kind of psychiatric medicine we have available, because in small doses they are so safe and the side effects are so minimal. But they do quickly decrease in efficacy over time as the brain gets used to them. To counter this in people with ADHD, we give people 'holidays' where they stop taking their prescription for a while or slowly increase the dose over time.' What do ADHD drugs do to your body? The huge climb in athletes diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood is no coincidence, says Prof Rubia, as use of the drugs has long been commonplace in sports. That said, a significant proportion of athletes who have been diagnosed with ADHD as adults may well have the condition. A Taekwondo black belt or football star probably has a higher likelihood of having the condition than the average person, Prof Rubia believes. 'People with ADHD are very often good at sports,' she explains. 'They have more energy than the average person, and where academics might have been a struggle at school, they might have realised their talent for sports and pursued that instead.' Intense sports practice can also be an effective tool for managing ADHD symptoms. Prof Rubia recalls meeting an Olympic karate fighter who had 'managed to overcome his ADHD without medication by training in a very focused way'. A sportsperson who takes ADHD drugs without having ADHD, however, might be in for a shock. Though the drugs might improve performance in the short term by making athletes 'feel less tired and more alert, as if they've had a lot of coffee,' Prof Rubia says people misusing the drugs over weeks or months might find themselves feeling less motivated and alert than they were before. 'Even within a day, they'll feel more low by the evening than they otherwise would.' Whether you're an athlete or not, taking stimulant ADHD drugs when you don't have the condition 'will affect your body in very similar ways these drugs affect the bodies of people with ADHD who take them,' says Prof Rubia. Stimulants increase your heart rate and blood pressure and can also reduce your appetite, while making you feel more awake and alert. People who take Ritalin also report some personality changes, like being more irritable and on edge, as well as worsened sleep, but both can also be symptoms of ADHD itself. Some research has indicated, however, that long-term use of ADHD medications (in people with and without the condition) may lead to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease. Weight loss and headaches are common, as are gut problems, though side effects like these are usually mild. In children who take ADHD medication, 'there's some evidence that it stunts growth slightly compared to how tall a child's parents are,' Prof Rubia adds. All in all, to better understand how these drugs affect our bodies 'we need more studies that observe the effects of ADHD drugs on both the healthy population and on people who have ADHD,' says Prof Rubia. Anecdotally, though, the physical impact of taking ADHD drugs when you don't need them is clear, Prof Bossaerts says with a sigh: 'I remember a student once passing out in front of me because he'd taken 'study drugs' over his final exams and had been awake for three days in a row at that point.' At best, it's counterproductive but, at worst, taking so-called 'smart drugs' can be a real danger to your health – not such a smart move after all.


Scottish Sun
5 hours ago
- Scottish Sun
I'm a psychologist and there are 5 things your kids must NEVER do if they have ADHD – or they risk making symptoms worse
MOST of us will know someone with ADHD - maybe a person in your friendship group, a work colleague, even your own son or daughter. While it's commonly understood that people with ADHD have difficulties with attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, it's less well known what can exacerbate symptoms, especially among children. 3 Around 708,000 children in the UK are estimated to have ADHD Credit: Getty Children are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD - which stands for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder - than adults. The


The Sun
5 hours ago
- The Sun
I'm a psychologist and there are 5 things your kids must NEVER do if they have ADHD – or they risk making symptoms worse
MOST of us will know someone with ADHD - maybe a person in your friendship group, a work colleague, even your own son or daughter. While it's commonly understood that people with ADHD have difficulties with attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, it's less well known what can exacerbate symptoms, especially among children. 3 Children are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD - which stands for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder - than adults. The condition can be identified at any age, but symptoms typically begin in childhood. While the condition affects both children and adults, the experience and challenges can differ significantly. Children often struggle more with hyperactivity and impulsivity, so knowing how not to exacerbate your child's symptoms is very important. There's been a notable increase in diagnoses over the past two decades, particularly among adults, and we know so much more about it - although figures suggest many cases remain undiagnosed. As of 2024, 2.6 million people in the UK were estimated to have ADHD, approximately 708,000 children and 1.9 million adults. Prescriptions for ADHD increased significantly from around 25 items per 1,000 people in 2019-20 to 41.55 items in 2023-24. But this increase isn't necessarily due to a true surge in cases. It reflects a number of factors, such as increased awareness and recognition of the condition, updates in diagnostic guidelines, and sociocultural pressures such as overstimulating digital environments. While the rise partly reflects these factors, it also raises important questions about overdiagnosis, the medicalisation of typical behaviour, and the need for individualised care. Do you or your child have ADHD- Here's the NHS test as Brits waiting two years for diagnosis To better understand the condition, chartered counselling psychologist Dr Sheena Kumar shared everything you need to know - from telltale signs to what to avoid. Signs you might have ADHD ADHD isn't just about being hyper or distracted or struggling under a heavy workload, says Dr Kumar. Instead, it's a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how you focus, organise, and manage impulses. Dr Kumar explains: "While everyone struggles with attention sometimes, ADHD symptoms are persistent; they do not come and go. "They show up in different parts of life like work, school, and relationships, and make things feel harder than they should be." According to Dr Kumar, the following symptoms always start in childhood, even if they weren't recognised: Losing focus, even in conversations or reading Misplacing things, forgetting tasks, or missing deadlines Struggling to start or finish tasks that need mental effort Feeling restless, talking a lot, or interrupting without meaning, which impacts your relationships Having trouble managing time, emotions, or priorities For adults, it might look less like physical hyperactivity and more like feeling mentally scattered or overwhelmed all the time, says Dr Kumar. What NOT to do if you have ADHD For people with ADHD, their brain works differently to neurotypical people, especially in areas like attention, impulse control, and executive functioning. Because of this, some habits and choices can make symptoms worse or lead to burnout - especially for kids. Dr Kumar says: "You want to find ways to support your brain rather than to add extra demand to it." ADHD in children and young people Symptoms of ADHD usually start before the age of 12. A child or young person may show signs of being inattentive, such as: being easily distracted finding it hard to listen to what people are saying or to follow instructions forgetting everyday tasks, like brushing their teeth or putting on socks They may show signs of being hyperactive and impulsive, including: having high energy levels fidgeting or tapping their hands and feet talking noisily feeling restless, or getting up and moving around when they're supposed to sit still finding it hard to wait their turn, or interrupting conversations Most children and young people with ADHD have symptoms of both the inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive type. Some only show signs of one type. ADHD is thought to be recognised less often in girls than boys. This may be because girls with ADHD more commonly have inattentive symptoms and these can be harder to recognise. If you're worried that ADHD may be affecting your child, talk to one of their teachers. The teacher will usually make a referral to the school's special educational needs co-ordinator (SENCO), who can discuss support in the classroom or with homework, or help with building confidence and friendships. If you're still worried or you think your child needs additional support, you may want to make an appointment with a GP. Source: NHS Here are five things she recommends to avoid: 1. Prioritise sleep People with ADHD tend to have a higher rate of sleep disorders. Studies indicate that 50 to 80 per cent of people with ADHD experience sleep difficulties, including a higher likelihood of insomnia, sleep apnoea, periodic limb movement disorder, and restless leg syndrome. For children, ADHD can lead to trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and getting up in the morning. And sleep deprivation amplifies ADHD symptoms. It hinders the brain's ability to concentrate, making it more challenging for individuals with ADHD to stay focused and attentive. Dr Kumar advises: "Prioritise sleep, and if you struggle, research and try different ways to help sleep." 2. Don't overcommit The impulsivity and difficulty with time management associated with ADHD can contribute to taking on more tasks than one can realistically manage. Kids in particular may also struggle to say 'no'. This could be related to schoolwork, exams, or social situations such as hanging out with their friends. But overcommitment can be particularly problematic for individuals with ADHD, often leading to stress, burnout, and difficulty following through on commitments. Dr Kumar says: "Learning to say 'no' doesn't make you rude, it makes you honest." 3. 'Just try harder' The belief that someone with ADHD must exert extra effort to perform tasks can negatively impact self-esteem, warns Dr Kumar. This can be due to a combination of factors, including the feeling of being constantly behind, the internalisation of external criticism, and the challenges associated with emotional regulation. Telling a child with ADHD to 'just try harder' is ineffective and can be harmful because ADHD is a neurological condition, not a lack of effort or motivation. Instead of focusing on the perceived need to exert more effort, people with ADHD should adopt strategies to improve focus, organisation, and overall functioning. These strategies should be tailored to individual needs and preferences, and may include using tools to manage time and tasks, incorporating physical activity, and seeking professional guidance. 4. Ignore your emotions People with ADHD shouldn't ignore their emotions because neglecting them can lead to a number of difficulties. Children with ADHD may especially have difficulty regulating and managing their emotions. This can potentially result in intense outbursts and difficulty managing everyday situations. "Working on regulation skills helps," says Dr Kumar. 5. Never self-diagnose or self-medicate While parents are key to recognising potential ADHD symptoms and initiating the process of seeking a diagnosis from a doctor, they should never diagnose their child with the condition themselves. Self-diagnosing and self-medicating ADHD is strongly discouraged because it can lead to inaccurate diagnoses, ineffective treatment, and potential harm. A formal diagnosis requires a thorough evaluation by a qualified healthcare professional, and treatment plans should be tailored to individual needs under the supervision of a medical professional. You risk the danger of making symptoms worse, says Dr Kumar. The best way to get diagnosed To go down the NHS route, visit your GP and ask for a referral to an ADHD specialist (only certain professionals are qualified to diagnose, such as psychiatrists and psychologists). Dr Kumar advises: "You'll usually be asked to bring examples of how your symptoms affect your daily life. "But note - while the NHS pathway is free, unfortunately waiting times can be up to three years. "If a private assessment is an option for you, diagnosis tends to be a lot quicker. "In my clinic I also do online ADHD assessment and diagnosis with adults." What happens if ADHD is never diagnosed? ADHD that is never diagnosed can hide under layers of frustration, burnout, or health issues. A diagnosis can be the first step toward understanding yourself, finding effective strategies, and feeling less alone. Dr Kumar adds: "Many people experience underachievement, feeling capable but consistently falling short due to disorganisation, missed deadlines, or procrastination. "This often leads to low self-esteem, with individuals internalising harmful beliefs like 'I'm lazy' which can increase the risk of anxiety and depression. "Without understanding the root cause, people may turn to coping mechanisms like excessive caffeine, or other substances to self-regulate. "Relationships may also suffer due to impulsivity, forgetfulness, or emotional reactivity, all of which can create unnecessary conflict. "Getting a diagnosis can bring clarity, relief, and a starting point for meaningful support." How ADHD is treated For some people, just knowing their diagnosis brings relief as it helps them to make sense of themselves and they do not want formalised treatment. For those that want treatment, that can look like a combination of medication, psychological support, and lifestyle adjustments, says Dr Kumar. She explains: "Psychological therapies, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), support managing time, emotions, and daily challenges, often alongside coaching and family education. "Lifestyle changes like establishing routines, using organisational tools, exercising, and prioritising good sleep also play an important role. " Schools may provide additional support through formal plans, and regular follow-ups with healthcare professionals ensure the treatment is effective and adjusted as needed. "Overall, treatment is personalised to help improve daily functioning and quality of life."