I was 16 when the coercive control started - I want to keep teens safe

Metro

a day ago

I had just started my first year at Cambridge University when my ex boyfriend was sent to prison.
We'd met almost five years before, at college, when I was 16. The first four to five months of our relationship were fine – but abusers all seem lovely at first.
Things changed.
He wanted to know where I was all the time and demanded photographic proof. He would check up on me unannounced, turning up at work or when I was with my friends to ensure I was where I said.
When I left the relationship four years later, his behaviour escalated to stalking. Initially I thought that if I ignored it, he would stop but that wasn't the case.
I stopped going out, I stopped doing things I enjoyed, I could barely sleep. In 2020, I reported him to the police.
Being in a new environment at uni gave me space to reflect.
I started to think about my own experiences of sex and relationship education at school – and the lack of it – and how the situation might have been different if I'd had more information on what a healthy relationship looked like.
I might have realised his behaviour was more than something that made me feel uncomfortable, when in fact it was wrong and illegal. I might have had the vocabulary to articulate what was happening to me.
Mandatory sex education or personal, social and health education (PSHE), now referred to as Relationships and Sex Education, is often quite basic: a practical demonstration of how to use a condom, some advice on where to go for sexual health testing.
I don't remember being taught anything on relationships or what domestic abuse for young people might look like. Abuse when I was at school, and to some extent still now, was spoken about only as something physical.
My time at Cambridge also helped me realise the value of education – and that's when everything came together for me. Investment in preventive education around sex and relationships could stop abuse happening at all.
This was the start of my campaign, Make It Mandatory.
The aim is to get two statutory years of RSE added to the curriculum for 16-18 year olds that cover topics like coercive control, emotional manipulation and physical and sexual violence.
Currently, a loophole means it finishes at the end of year 11, when we know from ONS data that 16-19 year olds face the highest rate of domestic abuse than any other age group.
Politicians are always shocked when they find out that statistic – I was not. I was in that situation. My friends and I all know one person (at least) who has gone through abuse or sexual abuse at that age. It's very real.
Sixteen is such a vulnerable age; most people have sex for the first time, kids get boyfriends, girlfriends. The conversations you might have had as an 11 year-old in year 7 are going to be very different for a teenager going into their first relationship.
The idea of someone wanting to look at your phone, wanting to know where you are – these can sometimes be presented within peer groups as someone really liking you when there can be a more sinister motivation to it. Education is not just meant to inform but to prevent – to stop anyone, and boys in particular, from becoming perpetrators themselves.
I have seen misogyny first hand: at Cambridge, I've overheard sexist comments about women's bodies and I know of allegations made about rape and sexual violence.
But the problem is society-wide. We see misogynistic messaging on social media without consequence and it's warping boys' brains.
I hear from teachers that they are teaching year 8 boys who call girls bitches and saying that they find Andrew Tate a cool role model. They are at their wits end. I believe the government has failed to keep up with the real life harms that children currently face and mandatory RSE is one tool in counteracting that online harm.
As part of the campaign I took a petition with 105k signatures to Downing Street along with the family Alice Ruggles, who was stalked and murdered by an ex-boyfriend, and Carol Gould, whose daughter Ellie was also killed by her ex.
One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives
ONS research revealed that, in 2023, the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds
Yet Crime Survey for England & Wales data for the year ending March 2023 found only 18.9% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported the abuse to the police
According to Refuge, 84% of victims in domestic abuse cases are female, with 93% of defendants being male
Safe Lives reports that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as non-disabled women, and typically experience domestic abuse for a longer period of time before accessing support
Refuge has also found that, on average, it takes seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good.
The Government has said that they won't be implementing our proposal but I've been told no for the last four years and I'm relentless; I'm going to keep the pressure on. More Trending
The campaign has still gone from strength to strength. We have cross party support and the campaign is going to be debated in the House of Lords.
Keir Starmer vowed to halve violence against women and girls (VAWG) – if he is serious about that he needs to start with prevention and Make It Mandatory is part of that.
I hope that, as part of the education, classrooms can be a safe space for young people to say if they have been through something like that and where to get help. A lot of young people simply wouldn't know which professional service to turn to.
I know that being in, and leaving, an abusive relationship is very difficult to come back from as an adult – but these are children. I have made it back but it's not been an easy feat at all. I don't want it for anyone else. Children deserve to be children; they shouldn't ever have to be dealing with this.
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