Our dog died. I'm too sad to help my husband grieve. Hax readers give advice.
We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Hi, Carolyn: My husband and I lost our beloved dog a couple of days ago. He was almost 15, and we adopted him 1.5 years into our 14-year relationship, so the dog was a huge part of our life as a couple. We are both absolutely devastated.
I'm finding that my grief is so overwhelming I can't be there for my husband. We talk about our buddy and it gives me so much comfort, but at certain points when my husband talks about his grief, I just can't handle it.
I'm trying really hard to take care of myself now. I haven't slept much lately. I'm not eating, and when I get to a place where I can relax, my husband wants to grieve with me, and I'm overwhelmed again.
It doesn't help that I have several tight groups of friends plus a therapist, while I'm his primary support system. I want so badly to be there for my husband — as he has been supporting me. I feel terrible that I can't be there for him in the way he needs.
I know, on an intellectual level, that everyone grieves differently, and that I should be kinder to myself and do what I need to do. But when the loss is shared, how much can I prioritize my feelings? What can I do to get us both through this?
— Grieving Together
Grieving Together: You can tell him the truth, kindly and with love: 'I miss Max so, so much, and I know you're sad too. This feels really big, and I don't think I can handle being your support system when I'm crushed by my own grief. Let's get some grief counseling so we can learn to get through sadness together in a healthy way.'
— Honesty
Grieving Together: I think the main problem here is that your husband doesn't have friends or a support network. Time will help with the grief, but if he doesn't join a group, make friends or go to therapy (why are you the only one doing this?), this cycle will continue. You are overwhelmed, and he adds to it. I'm so sorry you both lost a part of your family, but this doesn't sound like a one-time issue.
— Laurie J
Grieving Together: I'm so sorry you lost your dog. I have loved and lost many dogs in my life. Their absence hits you again and again throughout the day. It's so hard.
Some people feel like they have to wait until they've dealt with their grief before welcoming a new dog into their lives. I'm here to say you don't have to wait. I'm not talking about replacing your irreplaceable dog, I'm talking about welcoming a successor to fill this important role in your life. If you're willing to rescue a dog, then you have the added emotional balm of knowing you are helping a creature who needs you.
Eventually you will love a new dog as much as you loved your first dog — but differently. Nothing fills a dog-shaped hole in your heart like a dog.
— Don't wait!
Grieving Together: If he's doing something particularly intense — like his grief comes out as anger, or he wants to ruminate for hours, or he brings it up 800 times a day, etc. — then say you want to support him but you're a little overwhelmed. Ask him to try to work with you on a compromise or to find another outlet so it's not all on you to absorb. If it's not something specific he's doing and you just don't have the bandwidth to be present for his sadness at all, then you can say that, too, but with the caveat that you understand that isn't fair and you're going to work on figuring out why in therapy.
Pulling away from supporting your partner who is supporting you during a mutual loss might be necessary if you can't keep your own head above water, but it's also an alarm bell of some kind. Is there a broader pattern where you are the one doing the emoting and he is more stoic, such that his displaying vulnerability is making you uncomfortable? Is he usually in the role of responding to your needs/feelings/struggles, and you're squirming when that dynamic is reversed? Or is it the opposite, and you're feeling some resentment about the degree to which he relies on you emotionally? Figure out the why, and go from there.
— Pattern?
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax's live chat or email. Read last week's installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
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