People Share What They Think Truly Killed Modern Dating

Buzz Feed

2 days ago

If you've ever felt like modern dating is just broken, you're definitely not alone. Between endless swiping, three-word text conversations, and everyone seeming perpetually exhausted by the whole process, something has clearly shifted in how we connect with each other. When u/princeflare asked what people think is the true killer of modern dating, the responses were honestly pretty eye-opening. From the death of third spaces to everyone being too tired from work to actually date, here's what people really think is making dating so unnecessarily complicated right now:
"A lot of people are saying 'dating apps,' but I think that misses the mark. The true culprit is the loss of community and, as someone else mentioned, the Third Place. We wouldn't need dating apps if people were still able to meet organically as much as we used to."
"We're tired, boss. Just plain worn out, burnt out, run-down tired. Work-life balance is dead, society is mentally draining, and literally everything worth doing costs money. When the hell are you supposed to meet that person when you get home from work and immediately go to bed so you can be up at 4:30 a.m. to do it again tomorrow?"
"Work-life balance. People are too tired or too broke to go out and do things. Any spare time and you are just too tired to want to do anything. This is how dating apps took off and led to objectification and judging people in five seconds."
"Call me old-fashioned, but it's the complete lack of mystique, in my opinion. Part of the fun of dating pre-internet was learning about a person and getting to know them through conversation and shared experience. We are more connected than ever before, but there is a loneliness epidemic happening. It all seems so cheap and seedy nowadays."
"The gamification of swiping left or right on hundreds of profiles based off of two-second first impressions, typing one-word messages, and then ghosting them or unmatching because you're bored. Not treating them like actual humans. There's always a new profile to move on to. I say this as someone who literally met their current spouse on Tinder, but online dating apps are (for the most part) very demoralizing. I couldn't wait to get off the app and meet up in person to have a real human connection."
"The true killer of modern dating is the paradox of choice, where endless options often lead to indecision and commitment issues."
"It's so weird 'cause everyone assumed endless options would lead to a lot of promiscuity. In reality, it feels like it's harder to meet up with people than ever, even casually. I see my guy friends texting five to seven girls at once whom they've met on apps. They'll MAYBE go out with one of them within a couple of months or so. Sometimes none of them. There are so many options to pick, people end up picking none at all."
"If we consider that modern dating is largely just online dating at this point, then the clear-cut killer of modern dating to me is monetization. A decade ago, Tinder was AWESOME. It was very easy to match with people, land dates, and participate in hookup culture if you wanted to. OKCupid was fun and based on personality, lifestyle, and chemistry. Bumble was a decent alternative to Tinder. Then, they mostly, I think, got bought out by one company and started to care more about profit than purpose. On Bumble, you get maybe 10 likes a day max. Sometimes, it's five. It's inconsistent. On Tinder, you have a ton of bots, ads, and spam accounts. You have to pay to access the same features you got for free before. OKCupid went away with their great formula for a swipe feature instead, and now it sucks."
"The death of the third place. There's nowhere to go in our society that doesn't cost money."
"According to men's subreddits: pickiness. According to women's subreddits: men seriously hating women."
"The fact that thanks to a steady diet of social media and brain-dead entertainment, everybody seems to think they deserve a partner that checks all the items in their cartoonishly unrealistic list of requisites. At the same time, they — at their best — would have basically fuck all to offer their fantastical ideal partner in return. And the odds are they're not at their best anyway, so they have even less than fuck all to offer. To top it off, everybody seems to think that this imaginary ideal partner should put in all the work and effort in the relationship, including pursuing them before the relationship even starts, while they sit back and do, well, fuck all."
"Everyone who offers 'dating advice' is trying to sell you something."
"Frankly, pick-up artistry killed modern dating. So many men have this attitude that dating is a 'game' and they need to 'win.' Advice like 'always talk to multiple women,' or 'hedge your bets,' may work if you're trying to hook up, but attitudes like that kill genuine relationships. If you call asking someone for their number 'going in for the kill,' you are not mature enough for a relationship. When women say 'there's no good men,' this is what they mean. So many men have grown up using manipulative tactics to get dates that they can't snap out of those toxic habits."
"People who don't show their true intentions from the start — that they just want to have sex. Too many men would tell me that they wanted to date, would date me so I would fuck them, and then kick me to the curb once I finally gave it up."
"According to my five nieces — who are single in their mid-20s to early 30s — it's a problem of finding a man who A) won't dump you if you don't sleep with them by the third date, B) will commit and not cheat, and C) wants marriage and children in the future."
"Diverging politics and ideals is an understated reason. Men are going further right and conservative, while women are going further left and progressive. Men and women are expecting very different things from a relationship, and those things are getting less and less compatible in general. This is having a huge effect in many countries — Japan, South Korea, Sweden, the US, the UK, etc. I think most of the people talking about unrealistic high standards are men who don't realize just how fucking low the standards are."
"Women not being financially dependent on men and therefore not finding relationships as essential as they once did. Financial independence for women is good, by the way, but this is a natural consequence of that."
"The fact that 'settling' has become a dirty word. Settling is a good thing. Settling is taking a look at the world around you and agreeing to achieve something you can realistically achieve. Many people refuse to do that and sit around waiting for somebody perfect to come along (they won't). Reality isn't a Build-A-Bear. The perfect person for you probably doesn't exist. Sure, settling for 'less' is bad, but settling itself is about as sensible as you can get (unless you want to be alone)."
"A lot of women nowadays freak out if asked out even organically. A friend and I were at the bar a bit before the pandemic. We were having a good time and started talking with a mixed group near us. Eventually, the groups merged, and we were all having fun. I ended up having a lot of conversation with two of the girls in that group. One went to the bathroom, and the other, right after she left, was all like, 'You should totally ask out my friend.' Fast-forward through the night, and we're playing pool. That girl and I are kind of in the corner by ourselves, so I asked her for her number. She just freaks — like 'I've got to get out of here'-style freaks."
"From a 20-year-old girl's perspective: Thinking it's OK to tell a girl you've spoken to for three days how horny you are. Also, putting on a fake persona. I've spoken to 100 crypto-investing, 'funny' friends who wear cargos and love Kanye West. I promise you don't need to be embarrassed by the fact that you collect Star Wars comics and did gymnastics for 12 years — it makes you interesting and fun to talk to."
"Men who send women grotesque shit online, then wonder why they're single."
"Most girls I know can cook, clean, go to the gym, work, and are getting an education. If your mom is still washing your clothes and sending you food every week for university, I don't know what to tell you. Please grow up. No one wants to be their boyfriend's mother."
"The whole 'girls are prettier on average, so therefore you're not special' thing. In the kindest way possible, girls put so much time and effort into their appearance only to be told, 'Well, guys just aren't as good looking, so don't expect someone similar to you.' I definitely think more men need to make an effort when it comes to appearance/hygiene, because no girl wants to settle for someone who just doesn't care. The whole 'I only take five minutes to get ready' thing isn't attractive."
"Filters. No one is real anymore. Everyone is expecting an 8+ and disappointed when they meet a 4 to 7, even if they're amazing people. Even those with lower 'ratings' still deserve a chance to be seen and heard."
"A lack of communication and lack of ability to even form conversations. People don't spend time checking facts and resources. They want things in seconds. Cheating is also glorified, and side pieces are popular."
"Life in general, but to get more specific, I'd say escapism — social media, gaming, drugs and alcohol. It's all a way to escape reality. While it feels good in the moment, it takes you away from the process of growing as a person and growing with another person. It causes resentment and contempt. It fucks with insecurities and has shifted the point of partnership from PARTNERSHIP to access. We're all traumatized and we're all running from something."
"The illusion of choice. There are not an unlimited number of people for you to date. There are about an equal number of straight men and women. There are many people you could date but many competitors for those people. As you get older, the pool just gets smaller and smaller as well. At the end of the day, we almost all end up with only one person."
What's been your experience with dating lately? Have you noticed any of these same issues, or do you think there's something else that's making modern dating feel so off? Drop your thoughts and experiences in the comments below or use the anonymous form below!