Queer Couple Dreamed of Starting a Family. After 3 Heartbreaking Pregnancy Loses, They're Trying Something New (Exclusive)

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12 hours ago

Kristin and Melanie started off as coworkers and later found an undeniable connection
The two, now married six years, have spent the last four years on a journey to start their family, with the help of a friend who has agreed to be their donor
Kristin tells PEOPLE about walking this journey with her wife, the decision to crowdfund the next step and what their hopes are for sharing their storyA couple who found love unexpectedly are ready to start the next chapter of their happy ending.
Kristin and wife Melanie met while working together and hit it off quickly. Neither had been in a same-sex relationship before, but decided to take a chance when they realized how strong their connection had become.
"As our relationship got deeper, we realized we were sort of at a crossroads. I never would have thought my life would have went this way, but we decided it was something that felt really good and exciting," Kristin tells PEOPLE. "We both decided to say yes to love and be open to whatever could come our way. It was such a beautiful beginning to the relationship, just one of the happiest times in our lives."
The couple fell in love and eventually decided to marry. With excited discussion of the future came the subject of growing their family, which they both knew would be a complex journey. They tied the knot six years ago, but started their fertility journey in 2021.
"We put if off a few years. We wanted to get more established in our careers and buy a house, check off some of those bucket list items first," Kristin says. "Then in 2021, we started joking with our friend about being our sperm donor. He said, 'No, I would seriously consider that.' "
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Having that possibility on the table made the conversation less hypothetical and more rooted in what their reality could be.
"We had so many deep, connecting conversations, with each other and with our friend. We kind of really fleshed out what that sort of family structure would look like and what his role in our child's life would be. It was important to us to have a donor who would provide that connection to the biological for our child. We live in a small, semi-conservative town, so we're creating a unique family that you wouldn't see too many examples of around here."
As the discussions progressed, Kristin and Melanie confirmed their donor was in alignment with their vision. Their only hesitation were their concerns for his future.
"He didn't have a partner at that time and we were like, 'We know you want to meet someone. How do you think that person will fit into the equation?' Luckily, he ended up meeting the best girl and she's totally accepted our journey and become a huge part of it. We just feel really lucky that we've connected with these two," she shares.
Kristin and Melanie came to the decision that Kristin would carry their baby. From fall 2021 through spring 2022, she underwent fertility testing to ensure that her body was primed for the process.
"We were a little bit blown away at how invasive the process was, but we understood. And of course, none of this was covered by insurance, but we didn't let that deter us. We saved for this process and knew what to expect," she says.
With a bill of good health, Kristin was cleared, with plans to start with intrauterine inseminations (IUI). They experienced success early on, but it ended in a chemical pregnancy.
"That triggered another level of testing and everything just kept coming back normal. But the IUIs just weren't working, and our doctor didn't really have an answer," she explains.
Doing research within their own community, it was suggested that they try at-home insemination with a fresh donation.
"Our donor and his partner were on board, so we tried three or four rounds of that. Two of those times worked, but they both ended in pretty early miscarriages," Kristin shares.
"After the third pregnancy loss, I approached my nurse practitioner, and she was basically like, 'Yeah, you're gonna want to just do IVF,' " Kristin says. "There are so many more variables you can control for in that process. You can do genetic testing of embryos. But we'd been really hesitant to the IVF process, even though the possibility was always in the back of our minds."
The decision was emotional for the couple. "The middle of last year, we were kind of recovering from pretty sad pregnancy losses and trying to gather our courage and feelings and take stock of where we were at."
"It has felt lonely at times and totally devastating. We've really had to rely on each other and we've always kind of had a motto of, 'We're stronger and better together.' This process has really tested that, with us each grieving in our own separate ways while also trying to support the grieving partner in her process," Kristin says.
"It's been vulnerable and scary, especially when so many other people around us are able to grow their families in more conventional ways, even when using assisted reproduction. It definitely brings up feelings of jealousy, loss, resentment. So we've really had to work through that together as a couple."
Looking at the decision from all sides, they decided to move forward with IVF. Of course, the decision isn't an easy one. After having spent more than $10,000 on IUI, sperm banking, various testing and more, the decision came with more than $30,000 in out-of-pocket costs.
However, "We decided that we were committed to this idea of creating a family, rooted in love and connection and hope and positivity," Kristin explains.
"I think the intention with which we're going into this makes us both feel so much more prepared and connected for the process of motherhood. We've spent so much time over the last three or four years thinking about what kind of mothers we want to be, what kind of family we want to create," Kristin says.
"We've discussed our values and what we want to provide as an ideological foundation for our family. This process has really solidified our commitment to each other, to our marriage and to the process of becoming moms together. I feel like it's really strengthened us and made us even more certain that what we're doing is the right decision for us."
Kristin and Melanie began vetting fertility clinics and found one that made them feel comfortable on an individual level and as a LGBTQ couple. Next up is some more testing for both Kristin and their donor ahead of a tentative egg retrieval this summer.
The couple has found "solace" in seeing others share their journey in depth on social media, and while that isn't their chosen avenue, they hope sharing their story via GoFundMe will bring the realities of their journey to an audience that can feel seen in their own journeys.
"It's super vulnerable. Talking about finances publicly is really scary and not something we took lightly. We had several friends and family members saying to us that they'd love to help in whatever way they could. We realized for some, that might be financial, but sharing our story was also important," Kristin explains.
"We're doing this out of a want and a desire to create life and love and bring this beautiful, already so wanted person, into the world. We are really grateful for a platform that everybody we love can access," she adds. "It's been so positive and given people insight into what we are going through. We also wanted to have this message of hope for our future child, to be able to say to them, 'Look how many people supported you and already wanted you here.' All these people are waiting in the wings with love and encouragement and excitement before they're even here."
Queer couples face many challenges in starting their families, but Kristin and Melanie hope that their story proves that making these family dreams come true can happen with love and support to see it through.
"Our family is here," Kristin adds. "Our family has just as much a right to be here as any other family, and if we can share our story and our journey to normalize it for others who are maybe at the very beginning of their journey or wondering, 'Should we do it? Should we not?' "
She continues, "I just want any family to know they can have that family, and if our story can do anything to solidify someone's decision to start the family of their dreams, then it's been worth it, and that's amazing."
Read the original article on People