Want To Be A Better Manager? Stop Being Nice.

Forbes

19-05-2025

Heather Elkington was on the brink of a major career milestone: helping to sell the startup she'd helped scale, GoProposal, to a global corporate powerhouse. As the Operations Director, she'd been the backbone of the business—driving systems, leading teams, and holding it all together. Now, the deal hinged on one thing: how she showed up in the room.
She prepared like a pro. Rehearsed every scenario. Nailed her pitch. Then, after the final presentation, the founder of GoProposal pulled her aside.
'Heather,' he said. 'I need to give you some feedback. You talk too fast. I can't understand what you're saying.'
It stung. Of course it did. She'd poured everything into this moment— only to hear that something as basic as her delivery might be undermining her key message. But instead of brushing the feedback off, spiraling, or getting angry, Elkington did something else: she got curious.
Why was she talking so fast?
As she dug in, she uncovered something surprising. Her pace wasn't just a habit— it was rooted in a deep insecurity. And understanding that about herself gave her power.
The feedback, as tough as it was to hear in the moment, became a turning point. It set Elkington on a path of growth that would eventually take her to the TEDx stage and into boardrooms of global companies. The founder's comment was honest, but it wasn't cruel. It was kind. Because real kindness, as Elkington writes in her upcoming book, Your Boss Era, doesn't always feel comfortable.
According to Elkington, there are four things every manager should understand before embracing kindness as a feedback strategy for their team members. Master these, and you'll compel respect while empowering your team to grow.
Being nice means keeping the peace. Being kind means helping someone grow. The difference might sound subtle, but according to Elkington, it's one every leader needs to master.
'Being nice is about staying pleasant, avoiding conflict, and making sure everyone feels good in the moment,' she writes. 'It often means sugarcoating feedback, dodging hard conversations, and saying yes just to keep people happy.'
Kindness, on the other hand, is active. It's generous. It's honest. It's telling someone the truth— not to criticize, but to help them grow and improve. Nice feels good now. Kind pays off later.
Elkington says she sees niceness often show up for managers in three ways: softened feedback, avoiding issues, and overaccommodating team requests. These may smooth things over in the short term, but they will cost you respect, clarity, and long-term growth.
Take feedback, for example. When managers bury the message in a compliment sandwich, it gets lost. Nothing changes. Frustration builds. And team performance ultimately suffers.
Instead, Elkington suggests being direct, but supportive. Try: 'I need to talk to you about the deadlines we've been missing. It's becoming a problem, and I want to help you get ahead of it. Let's figure out what's going on.'
The same principle applies to team support. Saying yes to every ask may feel generous, but it creates dependence and drains your focus. A better move? Step back and show trust. 'I'm confident you've got this. Give it a shot, and come to me if you get stuck.'
That's not stepping away. That's stepping up as a leader— and building a team that's capable, confident, and resilient.
According to Elkington, being kind means choosing clarity over comfort. It means building a culture where people know where they stand with leadership and feel safe to stretch, stumble, and grow. Not because you're nice. But because you care enough to lead with honesty and maintain a growth-oriented mindset.
The hardest conversations at work are often the most important. And according to Elkington, that's exactly where kindness—not niceness—should take the lead.
'If niceness is about avoiding discomfort and keeping things light in the short term,' Elkington writes, 'then kindness is about growth. It's about earning respect through integrity and trust, not through being the manager who just wants to be liked.'
Tough conversations are part of the job. Someone's falling short of expectations. Conflict is bubbling up. Feedback needs to land. Avoiding those moments might feel safer, but it leads to slipping standards, missed expectations, and a culture that starts to settle for 'good enough.' And the people who need help the most? They're the ones you fail by saying nothing.
Elkington says your team can feel the absence of feedback. And over time, accountability gives way to silence and distrust of leadership.
Tough conversations don't create conflict— they simply surface it. And when handled well, they become turning points. Kindness is choosing long-term growth over short-term ease. It's saying what needs to be said, and helping someone rebuild and rise.
Your team takes its cues from you. If you dodge the hard stuff, they will too. But if you lead with clarity—even when it's uncomfortable—you create a culture of openness and trust. And that trust is contagious. Yes, giving feedback is hard. But avoiding it doesn't protect your people— it holds them back.
Honesty clears the air. It saves time. It unlocks potential. When people know where they stand, they move with confidence. That's how trust is built— and how high-performing teams stay that way.
Kindness isn't a free pass to be blunt. And this, Elkington says, is where many leaders get it wrong.
'There's a big difference between being honest and being hurtful,' she writes. 'Most people who fall into this trap don't even realize they're doing it.' They think they're being direct. What they're really doing is bulldozing— delivering feedback with no regard for tone, timing, or outcome.
That's not leadership. That's laziness. Anyone can point out what's wrong with someone's performance. The real work is doing it in a way that helps someone grow and move forward.
Let's say a team member isn't pulling their weight. You could say: 'You're not doing your job properly.' But that only puts them on the defensive.
A better version? 'I've noticed some of your recent work hasn't met the standard we agreed on. Let's talk about what's going on and figure out how to get things back on track.' Same message. But now, it's honest and supportive. That builds trust and drives action within your team.
According to Elkington, bluntness kills psychological safety. Thoughtful honesty, however, builds it up. It tells your team you care, you're paying attention, and you want them to succeed.
Before delivering feedback, Elkington suggests asking: What's the issue? Why does it matter? What's the next step? That's her three-part framework: Be specific about what's not working. Connect it to the bigger picture. Offer a path forward.
Strong leaders don't avoid hard conversations, but they don't charge into them unarmed, either. They balance truth with empathy. They know when to speak, how to say it, and how much to share. That's the difference between feedback that breaks people down and builds them up.
Honesty is one of the most powerful tools a leader has. It reduces confusion, clears up frustration, and keeps small problems from becoming big ones. And according to Elkington, trust—the foundation of any great team—starts with being honest in a leadership role.
But that doesn't mean saying whatever pops into your head whenever you feel like it. It means knowing when honesty creates clarity, and when it just adds noise.
Elkington's simple advice to managers: stop being nice. Start being kind.
It's a small shift, but a powerful one. 'Make honesty and kindness your values,' she writes, 'and you won't just become a better leader. You'll build a culture where people can thrive, grow, and rise to their full potential.'
Because kindness doesn't just build trust. It sets you apart as a manager. And when you lead with clarity and care, you unlock something bigger: the ability to inspire, motivate, and elevate your people. That's what next-level leadership looks like in 2025.