The Midults: My girlfriend is always undermining me

Telegraph

6 days ago

Dear A&E,
I've been with my girlfriend for two years and we've always got on really well as a couple in social situations, backing each other up and taking one another's side. Lately, though, I've found her starting to undermine me in little ways when we're out with friends – disputing my account of things that happened; contradicting me on little details; always needing to have the last word. I'm not naturally argumentative but it's starting to really bother me. She's really lovely and cosy in private. Should I talk to her, and what should I say?
– Downcast
Dear Downcast,
Some happy, lifelong marriages involve one partner loudly and aggressively criticising the other in public. 'That story is so boring,' she squawks. 'Are you still talking??' he sneers. For many of us – as observers – this is both baffling and extremely unpleasant to be around but, hey, the heart wants what the heart wants and it's a dynamic that works for them. It is not, however, a dynamic that is working for you. At the moment it only bothers you but who's to say that, further down the line, it won't distress you. If you do not like this dynamic then you should address it as it is unlikely to go away by itself. Unfortunately, these things, left unchecked, will have a habit of either bedding in or intensifying and that has the potential to make you very unhappy. Unhappy people who actively avoid confrontation risk withdrawing, proving their point – or demonstrating their hurt – through action (or inaction), which could start to meaningfully alienate you from each other.
Scary, right? If you bring this up, you might start a huge row or hear something you don't want to hear. It's only when you begin to understand what's happening, you can work out what to do. At the moment you are a bit hurt and a bit baffled – understandable but rendering you powerless. It is often at this stage of the relationship that you need to find courage. It is important to feel able to talk to the person you are with about what is going in between you. We know that sounds as though we're stating the bleeding obvious but it can feel frightening. Or exhausting. And lots of us duck it where possible. Be brave, Downcast. It will give the relationship the best chance of growing or, failing that, it will give you the best chance of growing.
Right at the beginning of love affairs, we tend to find it sweet when our new and adored person gets things wrong. Or we don't even see it. Later, we may start to find it annoying but, hopefully, we make a decision – based on the bigger scheme of things – to right-size our responses; to look beyond. This is not denial. It is love. There is a chance that she may not know she is behaving in this way; that she had some kind of combative/judgmental elements to her early life. A fighty or one-upmanship-y childhood. Even a puritanical education may have nudged her towards becoming a kind of fact-checker. It doesn't really matter if an amusing anecdote is 'right', does it? The listener doesn't care whether it was Whitstable or Brixham; whether it was raining or snowing. How much does it matter to her that she is right? Would she rather be right or happy?
You have various courses of action open to you. You could tell her that it is deeply uncomfortable for everyone when she does this – but that is actively shaming and makes it about the audience rather than your connection. 'Everyone thinks so…' is always a bastard thing to say unless it's around a compliment. You could try a bit of a shock approach and respond in the moment, in public, by saying something like 'I find it very difficult when you talk to me like that.' However, seeing as you have established, in your letter, that this is a kind of performative feistiness that rises in her only when you are among other people, that could cause trouble. We would think that a quiet moment, when you are alone and all is calm, might be a productive time to say something like, 'When you criticise me in public – which I feel is happening more often – what are you trying to tell me? I find it difficult, in the moment but, if there is something you need me to know, I would really like to hear it now. I don't love those public moments, which hurt my feelings, but I do love you and I'd like to understand why it happens and also look at my part in it.' What a man, Downcast! We obviously have no idea how this will go. But for both your own personal development and the future of this romance, it feels crucial that you are able to have the conversation.