Florida approves cruel 'Alligator Alcatraz' in Everglades. Gators want no part of it.
This sinister attempt to assist the Trump administration's already cruel mass deportation effort leans heavily on the grotesque stereotype that we alligators are vicious killers.
Dear American humans:
As a proud reptile and founding member of the Consortium for Responsible Alligator Publicity, I would like to express my community's umbrage over the state of Florida's plan to put a migrant detention facility in the ecologically sensitive Everglades under the offensive name 'Alligator Alcatraz.'
This sinister attempt to assist the Trump administration's already cruel mass deportation effort leans heavily on the grotesque stereotype that we alligators are vicious killers and dangerous creatures to be feared.
Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier shared a video on June 20 boasting about Alligator Alcatraz, and it showed one of our consortium members sticking out from the water while the attorney general said: 'If people get out there's not much waiting for them other than alligators and pythons. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.'
First off, Mr. Uthmeier, the gator you showed is a respected community member, an avowed pacifist and a longtime ovo vegetarian. She's less likely to eat a fleeing migrant than you are. She enjoys poetry and has formed a close friendship with a local wood stork.
Furthermore, you have some gall suggesting we alligators are scary and would act as the Department of Homeland Security's perimeter-enforcing beasts.
How many alligators have you seen wearing masks and grabbing hardworking migrants out of Home Depot parking lots? How many of my reptilian brothers and sisters have been caught on video ripping mothers from their children or trying to deport the spouses of military veterans?
Who's scary now, Mr. Uthmeier?
'Human waste, sewage needs, water supply needs'
Apparently, the federal government has already signed off on this invasive Everglades facility, with Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis enthusiastically supporting the construction of a 5,000-bed detention facility on 39 square miles of our land.
Migrants will be housed in tents in the swampy summer heat on an old landing strip.
Opinion: Trump lied about LA protests to deploy the National Guard. He wants violence.
One of our human friends, Eve Samples, executive director of Friends of the Everglades, told The Washington Post: 'If you get a thousand-bed prison in there, whether it's supposedly temporary or not, you're going to have impacts related to human waste, sewage needs, water supply needs, ancillary development.'
We're about to be swimming in human waste, and you all want to make us sound like the bad guys? C'mon, humans.
The whole idea for this place, from the Alligator Alcatraz name to the suggestion that our presence will make it all seem ultra-cruel and terrible, is offensive and species-ist.
Despite common media portrayals, we alligators are naturally fearful of humans and do our best to avoid you all. The more we watch the way the Trump administration is dehumanizing immigrants and tearing families apart, the more we think our fear is justified.
Opinion: Manufacturing down, food expensive and ICE is deporting moms. Happy now, MAGA?
Alligators aren't interested in biting any fleeing migrants. ICE agents, on the other hand ...
Which is scarier: An alligator hanging out in the Everglades water, opportunistically hoping a tasty fish comes along? Or a bunch of brutish Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers hopping out of an unmarked car and grabbing a day laborer so they can send him to a place called Alligator Alcatraz?
Alex Howard, who was a DHS spokesperson under President Joe Biden, told the Miami Herald: 'Turning the Everglades into a taxpayer-funded detention camp for migrants is a grotesque mix of cruelty and political theater.'
And we gators, quite frankly, won't be party to this evil.
Keep your detention facility out of our territory. And trust us, we aren't interested in biting any migrants who try to flee your clutches.
You all, on the other hand? We may be fearful of humans, but you ICE lot are starting to look downright tasty.
CHOMP! CHOMP! 😡
— Phineas Alligatorius, Consortium for Responsible Alligator Publicity
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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