As a 21-year-old woman who stands 6'4", I'm still learning to hold my head high
This First Person column is written by Olivia McGahern, who lives in Caledon, Ont. For more information about First Person stories, see the FAQ.
When I see people walking down the street, I imagine they're worrying about arriving at work on time, an upcoming date or what they'll cook that night for dinner.
When I walk down the street, whether I'm going to school, work or the gym, I worry what people are thinking about me as I tower over them.
My normal teenage anxiety about my looks was made worse by the fact that I stood out, literally. Today, as a 21-year-old woman who is six feet, four inches tall, I am still growing into my confidence.
I've always felt self-conscious about my height, though I come from a tall family. My mom stands six feet tall and my dad is six-foot-two.
My brothers are tall too, but from adolescence into adulthood, they received nothing but praise from family, friends and strangers about their stature. "You won't have any problems finding a girlfriend," people would say to them, while I was told,"You'll have trouble finding clothes and shoes." Absolutely no mention of finding a prospective partner.
I wasn't yet a teenager when I started to buy tall clothes from Old Navy. That's when my insecurity began. Stores like Garage and Lululemon aren't made for girls like me.
In high school, I realized how much I stood out — and I didn't want to. wanted to feel pretty, have my first kiss, dress in cute clothes and go on dates. That never happened, and I used my height as a scapegoat.
At 16, I saw an endocrinologist. I had started my period when I was 13, but I was still growing, which wasn't normal; according to Healthline, girls typically stop growing about two years after they begin menstruating. The doctor ordered an MRI for my brain and a CT scan for my adrenals, speculating I had a pituitary issue, which could be behind my continued growth. Both the tests came back normal.
This was good news in a medical sense, but the results were still crushing. This is just the way I am.
My mom told me she went through the same thing at my age, but that didn't really console me. I hated how much taller I am compared to other girls and guys.
I'm just like any woman
Eventually, I tried to accept that it was pointless to fixate on something I couldn't change, but the comments continued.
How tall are you? Are your parents tall?
Even at my former job at a McDonald's, perfect strangers would ask if I play basketball as I handed over an order of fries. When I told them that I've never liked sports, I heard their opinions on that, too — everything from "That's weird" to "You're wasting your life."
When dabbling with dating apps, I've been bombarded with disgusting remarks: "Can we make NBA babies?" or "I want to climb you," or "Step on me."
I deleted the apps, vowing to just let love come to me without effort, but I've come back to them, albeit with more caution. I have no intentions of finding my soul mate or anything like that — but at the very least I want some semblance of a dating life, as other women do.
WATCH | Young people seeking authentic connections:
Some young people say they're breaking up with dating apps
5 months ago
Duration 2:47
Just about everything these days happens through cellphones, including dating, with users just a swipe and a match away from potentially finding a long-term partner. But some young people are breaking up with their dating apps, citing the desire to find more authentic connections and the strain of not getting the desired results.
With each interaction, my self-esteem plummets and my anxiety and depression skyrocket. I know there's little that I can do to avoid the constant inquisition.
Am I ever going to fall in love and be loved back? The more I ponder it, the more despair I feel. I have so much love to give, but it feels like nobody can look past my height.
Despite all this, I have many reasons to hold my head high.
I have a family that loves me, friends that do nothing but lift me up, and online communities of tall women who show me that it's possible to find love and be confident in themselves. I'm learning to own my height and enjoy going on dates or to bars without feeling the need to blend in or hide from the world.
It gives me hope that, despite how badly I feel on the inside, no matter how intimidating I think I seem, I'm just like every other woman.
Being in therapy has also helped. My therapist has emboldened me to wear bright colours or dress in fancy outfits just to go shopping. It means I have no choice but to stand out — and it's helping me get comfortable with it.
It will take time. I've been burdened by my height insecurity for so many years, and confidence doesn't kick in overnight. But instead of blaming my height for my lack of achievements in life, I am learning to embrace it — and hoping that will bring me the life and love I've always wanted.
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