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SBS Australia
a day ago
- Entertainment
- SBS Australia
Acquiring a Disability: Intimacy, Reimagined
Mandy shares how she and her husband booked a holiday house to relearn how to be intimate - away from their daily routines, expectations, and distractions. Life was easy before I was disabled. You could please your partner in all sorts of ways. And once you've lost your hands, how do you do that? So my husband and I, we had to practice and give ourselves permission to fail. Mandy McCracken With disarming vulnerability, fierce honesty, and a healthy dose of humour, Mandy speaks about body image, love, desire, and the messy, beautiful process of rediscovering closeness and intimacy after acquiring a disability. Tori also brings vital insight into the often-overlooked role of sex, touch, and pleasure in disability support, highlighting how intimacy is frequently treated as an afterthought in medical care, despite being essential to identity and well-being. I think for a lot of people, especially when disability is acquired later in life, there's often a real lack of conversation, because it could have been quite a traumatic experience. And so often in the medical field, they're just like, you're lucky to be here. And so there's such a medical focus, and not so much focus on that emotional, physical, sexual level. Sexologist Tori Bellentina LISTEN TO Credits Hosts: Madeleine Stewart & Alistair Baldwin Producer: Eliza Hull Sound Design & Mix: Session in Progress Executive Producer: Attitude Foundation Theme Music: Emotional Baby by Jeane Art: Lucy Melvin SBS Team: Joel Supple, Max Gosford, Bernadette Phương Nam Nguyễn Alistair Baldwin This episode is recorded on the land of the Wurundjeri, Woi wurrung people of the Kulin nation, and would like to give our respect to their elders, past and present. Love without limits is a podcast about intimacy and yes, sex. Just a heads up, we'll be talking openly about topics that might not be for everyone. Madeleine Stewart Alistair Baldwin And I'm Alistair Baldwin, and this is love without limits, a podcast where we get deep and sometimes a little spicy, talking about sex, love and relationships for disabled people just like us Madeleine Stewart This episode, we're diving into what it's like to be intimate after acquiring a disability Alistair Baldwin Which, so, I mean, sex is complicated enough when you're used to the body you're in, but bodies changeevery day, and when you acquire a disability, you have to figure out new ways to do lots of things. Madeleine Stewart Yeah sex, dating and being in a relationship. Now, full disclosure, we were both born with our disabilities, Alistair Baldwin Yes, unless you count a later in life ADHD diagnosis as acquiring one. But I mean, certainly my muscular dystrophy isn't a static thing, and what I can and can't do is always shifting, dare I say, evolving like a Pokemon. Madeleine Stewart But the thing is, anyone can acquire a disability at any time, like even if you've already got one. So look, I'm here for tips. I'm here for tricks I'm ready to learn, just in case I lose my other arm. Fingers crossed. Alistair Baldwin Fingers cross. Well, why don't we jump in to chatting with our fabulous guests on the ways that becoming disabled has shaped their relationships to identity, sexuality and romance. Madeleine Stewart Our first guest is Mandy McCracken, a writer, speaker, disability advocate and regular face in Australia's media in 2013 a young mum at the time, Mandy lost both her hands and her feet to sepsis, and she's here to speak to us a little bit more about this. Thank you so much for joining us. Mandy, Hello and welcome. Mandy Mccracken Thank you. Thanks for having me Alistair Baldwin Just to kick off, I was curious to ask how the loss of your hands and feet reshaped your relationship to your body? Mandy Mccracken Oh, that, that is, that is the massive question, enormously, yeah, I had really nice legs. I had great legs. I used to love wearing mini skirts, and now my legs are black, and they're made of metal. And, you know, it's really hard to find anything sort of, you know, attractive about prosthesis. They can be pretty intense. So, yeah, I I had a massive grief period when I lost my hands and feet, about my body image, and there was a huge amount of processing that went on. Alistair Baldwin I mean, through my life, I've been, you know, not had leg braces, and then having leg braces, and then fashion trends as well, dictating whether we're in a skinny jean set or wide baggy pant set. And it really is. Mandy Mccracken I am enjoying the wide baggy pants Alistair Baldwin Mandy Mccracken I must admit, with wide baggy pants, people don't get out of the way because I can't see your prosthesis. Alistair Baldwin I used to be able to do them on the outside because they were skin tied, and then fashion changes. And now it's all cargo and all flares, even. And I, yeah, people are like, I don't know. I feel like I'm passing in winter. And then when it's short season, people are clocking me. Mandy Mccracken It comes back out again. And you, yeah, they part the waves. Alistair Baldwin Mandy Mccracken Madeleine Stewart So, Mandy, I was born with one arm, but I know that you you acquired your disability, and I was just wondering, How did losing your hands and your your feet reshape the way that you relate to your own body? Mandy Mccracken So, I went from, you know, life was easy before I was disabled, life was easy. And, of course, you've got no idea how easy it is until, of course, you lose that ability. I could do anything. You know, you could please your partner in all sorts of ways and or yourself in any way you wanted. And once you've lost your hands, like, how do you do that? And the frustration, you know, not being able to do what you used to be able to do was incredibly frustrating. You know you're trying to be intimate, and you're trying to bring back what you had, and you just you can't, you can't do that anymore at all. So my husband and I, we had to practice and give ourselves permission to fail. There was a lot of failure, and it got to the point actually, that we ended up having to book ourselves on a weekend away until we could just practice and practice and practice until, until we got back to like a slither of what it was beforehand. Alistair Baldwin What was that period of relearning, or did you feel like you were redefining? What intimacy was in your relationship, and even discovering things that you weren't doing or didn't appreciate beforehand. Was there that kind of shift? Mandy Mccracken I think so much of it was just trying to get back what we'd lost. I don't think we actually had the headspace to look forward. We weren't forward focusing it was so reflecting on your past life. It's interesting when I have discussions with other people who are newly disabled, you know so much of what they're going through is allowing yourself to let go of what you used to have and being okay with what your future looks like, and that, you know, will you ever get back to what you had in every aspect of your life, whether it's sex or work or, you know, being able to walk up a hill, you know, just to sit at the top of a hill and look out over a hill like you may never be able to do that again. So you've got to find enjoyment somewhere else, and in your sex life, it's the same. It's like, okay, so you can't do that thing that your partner or you used to love to do. You can't. You cannot do that at all anymore, ever again. So where do you find Okay, well, where's the next thing that I'm actually going to learn to love as much as I did back then Alistair Baldwin Do you think for people who are newly disabled that you know sexuality and intimacy? Is that something which is prioritised by medical professionals or support staff or? No, an instinct! It was a little bit of a leading question. Mandy Mccracken No. So I was in hospital for a year. I ended up doing, I think, three different hospitals through my illness, and nobody discussed sex, no, no one, because everyone's embarrassed, right? Yep, and I think also, like I was, I was 39 when I lost my hands and feet. Often, the people who are on the other side of your bed at hospital are young graduates, you know, they might be 24, 25 years old. And how do you have a conversation with somebody who's got kids, you know, right? Like they've had such life experience, and they've got this young, little graduate coming out of uni, and they want to tell you how to do things. It's it's a very uncomfortable situation. So I know that a lot of universities are now having conversations with their ot students about making sex important like it is. It needs to be included in in the curriculum that you have with a patient. You know, you need to learn how to eat, how to sit, how to drive, how to go to the toilet, how to have sex, how to put your shoelaces on. You know, it should be as mundane as the rest of it. Alistair Baldwin Absolutely. I mean, what are some of the complications or challenges when you've got someone whose caregiver is someone that is a lover or.. Mandy Mccracken Well, my husband is my carer, yep. So if I want to zhuzh things up and put some sexy lingerie on, he actually has to go and get it, put it on me, and then I go surprise, and then he has to take it off me again. Like, you know, yeah, that partner dynamic, carer dynamic. It really puts a stick in the mud, like it actually is such a difficult relationship. Change to navigate is really hard, and it does. It takes spontaneity out, you know? It just makes it really hard, and you've gone from being capable, you know, looking after yourself physically being at showering or doing your hair, or, you know, for women, you know, period care, that sort of stuff, your partner's now doing it for you. So it takes any privacy or secrecy or surprise completely out of the equation. Alistair Baldwin Is there a challenge in, I guess, clearly, having that shift from one role into the other role? Or do you think all of the challenge lies in that kind of ambiguity of touch and finding a way to differentiate that kind of functional touch to maybe more intimate sexual touch. Mandy Mccracken A lot of people, I've heard as part as a carer, they say they're too scared to touch their newly disabled partner because they don't want to hurt them. And you need to open up that conversation so that you can say, Okay, well, you know, I want to be touched like that. Can you, you know, can you stop take off your carer glasses and put on your partner glasses again and see me in that way? So much mental anguish is going on around the fact that their bodies have changed. You know, be it for the person who's had their body change or the partner that's seen their body change like. Yeah, you know, am I allowed to see you still as a sexy human being, or can I not go past the change of your body like it's really complicated? Alistair Baldwin Do you feel like a lot of that fear around you know, maintaining or reigniting that kind of intimate touch stems from just a complete lack of the representation of these kinds of relationships in our media that people aren't really seeing this. Mandy Mccracken Yeah, it'd be nice to see more disabled people on our screens just living everyday life. It's also a matter of committing yourself to bringing sex back to your life. I had an OT once that said to me, it's like playing tennis, you know, you have to book the court, you have to put the right outfit on, you have to grab your racket, and you have to go right. We're going to play tennis. It's, it's the same thing with, you know, having sex for the first time, after you've had a massive physical change, you have to go right. We're going to do this, and it's going to be messy, and it may not work, and we have to practice and to decide that that's just too hard and it's too scary, is not going to be beneficial for anyone Madeleine Stewart when you first acquired your disability, were there any you know, awkward, funny or unexpectedly beautiful experiences that you had? Mandy Mccracken My husband really misses being able to hold my hand. Yep. So you know, with simple things like that, are out of the window. So we need to find, you know, how do you walk down the street and be connected to your partner when you don't have a hand, and how do you if I, how do i i link arms with him if I'm not wearing my prosthesis? It's actually really hard to do because I've got nothing to sort of link with, you know, sitting in the car, you know, just rubbing my husband's leg like I'm doing it with something that's made out of plastic and metal, but it's still me at the other end. You know, it's something that I am trying to do. So connection for me is through conversation and physical closeness. And, you know, I've been disabled for 12 years, and I'm still learning and working this out, and I'm really not sure how to how to do it. And as your body ages and changes, that's a whole different kettle of fish as well so Alistair Baldwin The only guarantee in life is that things change. You're talking a bit about communication being a key part in especially this period as well. Do you have any advice, I guess, for people who are maybe newly in a situation like you were 12 years ago about what are some of the communication tools or strategies or approaches that you could offer as advice? Mandy Mccracken Yeah the first thing I would say is actually, make time. Really make time. The stress levels that you will be going through will be completely through the roof, and everybody around you will be dealing with that sort of stress as well, what my husband and I did, and we went and booked a Airbnb and disappeared for a weekend, and we just debriefed I'd been dealing with my physical challenges, what have you been dealing with? And we just explained what the situation had been for each other, and I had no idea what I've been going through, and I've been away for a year, like, Okay, well, you've been home by yourself for a year, and how have you been going sexually, intimately, you know, being away from me, and what does that look like? And you got to check in and see how things are going. And even in the bedroom when you're at it, you know, check in. Is this working for you? Absolutely. Have you got an idea? Is this something you'd like to try that I'm not thinking of like the movement around a bedroom is really hard work without hands and feet, because you can't push against the bed like there's nothing to push against. You know, fortunately, my husband and I have been together for 25 years or so, so we both know really well what turns us on and what works communicating what you like and what you'd like to do. It's just a matter of, you know, when you're halfway through, it's just, like, just a little to the left, yeah, Alistair Baldwin well, I feel like in long term relationships, there's always that, like, body language, kind of, you know, you just understand each other through time shared and, you know, a raised eyebrow can say everything, Mandy Mccracken yeah, yeah. Also, another way that my husband and I are communicating is we're sending videos on social media to each other quite regularly. It's like I saw this, this might work for us. Alistair Baldwin Yes, absolutely, a little sharing a fun meme or a screenshot from the Kama Sutra. Or, you know, the role of social media as foreplay is very undervalued. Something that's come up a lot through this podcast series is the role that confidence and finding self confidence. Has in finding that confidence again in the partnership, and regaining that dynamic, whether it's intimacy, regaining that kind of hot, sexy touch, or whatever. Could you speak a bit to your, I guess, journey with confidence and the ways you've found it or struggled with in your shifting ability. Mandy Mccracken For me, rebuilding my confidence has been a great psych, yeah, to have someone that you can have, you can lay it all on the table without offending them. You know, the conversations I've had with my psych I could not have had with my husband or my girlfriends, but to be able to for me, to be able to process that situation, my situation by talking to somebody regularly, I would say anybody who's newly disabled, to have somebody that you could chat to is incredibly important. And someone said to me, once, you know, if you try something 99 times and you give up, it might be the 100th time that you actually get it to happen, you've got to allow yourself to fail, you know, so, and the patience that you have to learn to allow that failure is enormous, and the whole process is just huge. So be kind on yourself, but have the courage like grit those teeth damn hard, and just for crying out loud, get out there. Alistair Baldwin Yeah. Can you speak to any experiences where that persistence and perseverance and gritting your teeth through the trial and error has paid off? Mandy Mccracken Well, I can tell you that that weekend away with my husband, we gritted our teeth and we worked bloody hard, and we finally both got there. Madeleine Stewart So reflecting on your journey so far, if you could tell your newly disabled self one thing about intimacy or sex that you've learned since, what would it be? Mandy Mccracken Of course, it's all going to be okay. You will find pleasure again and intimacy again, and it may not look like what it did originally, but that's okay. And things change and evolve and and move and time and patience is will will give you what you need. Alistair Baldwin Thanks so much for coming on the show Mandy. It's been a wonderful chat. Mandy Mccracken Thank you. I enjoyed it. That was great Alistair Baldwin Well our second guest today is Tori Bellentina , who's a sexual rehab and educational sexologist, which is a great job title, honestly. Welcome to the show, Tori. Tori Bellentina Madeleine Stewart Hey, Tori. We're so excited to have you here. Our first question for you is, when someone acquires a disability later on in life, what are some of the biggest and maybe even least talked about impacts on their intimate and sexual life? Tori Bellentina Yeah, I think for a lot of people, especially when acquired later on in life, there's often a real lack of conversation, because that could have been like quite a traumatic experience. And so often in the medical field, they're just like, you're lucky to be here. You're lucky to be doing what you're doing now. And so there's such a medical focus, and not so much on that emotional, physical, sexual level. And I find for a lot of my clients, it can be years down the track that they finally have the question asked, like, how's that going? And they're just feeling like, a little bit shocked, a little bit like, like, I don't know how to answer this. Like, nobody's asked me. So there's this lot of grief, of loss, of what has been in the past, and you know, maybe their relationship's broken down in that period. And, you know, they've felt really neglected. So it can sometimes be as horrible and as debilitating as they've missed out on key rehabilitation time. Yeah, in that time, and so they've gone through a lot of body atrophy, where things are no longer able to be fully rehabilitated to what they may have been. So then there's a huge grief of loss there, of if only I had been asked this question earlier. Tori Bellentina The confidence to ask myself, but now I have the confidence, because I've gone through the system and now, like, what? What Ifs so there's just that horrible loss of confidence and loss of what are your autonomy, and it can be so difficult for somebody to, like, pull out of themselves and be like, I need to advocate for this now. Yeah, because they maybe have never had a sexual conversation apart from with an intimate partner, yeah, their entire lives. Yeah. I. Whereas I find people who have, you know, have disabilities throughout their entire lives. They have often, you know, they they know they have to ask the questions otherwise they're not going to get the help. They're already in the system. They know, like, if I don't advocate for myself, no one will. Alistair Baldwin Yeah, if only it had been a priority for pleasure. Alistair Baldwin It's almost like being a doula, guiding someone into, like, this new kind of life that they're in, and this body that they're in. I mean, you talk a lot about helping newly disabled people advocate and ask those questions. Would you say that you work mostly with, I guess, the disabled people, or are you also working with the professionals around them, these medical professionals, who are maybe also not asking that question? Tori Bellentina Yeah, I'm very, very privileged in my work that I do a lot of in services at the major hospitals in Melbourne. So I get to come in and talk to them about what options are available, that we do exist as sexologists, and what our work is. So when it comes to a conversation that they may not be comfortable having, because it could be a client being like, I'm a really big BDSM participator, and how do I, you know, as a super vanilla nurse, maybe you don't have that conversation. So they know, oh, these things do exist. And you could go here and here. And so I do get to do an amazing amount of work, doing the conferences for like stoma and cancer conferences, and helping people understand sexual options and accessibility AIDS. And then I do get a really wonderful amount of clients that come from all walks of life. They may not know that there is those educational points that they can access, and they might just be feeling well, sex is this ABC way, I can't change that, and I don't know I no longer fit the model, so I can't have it anymore. Madeleine Stewart And I wanted to know, like, what are some ways that sexologists like yourself can do and like, what kind of roles can they play to support people with disability, with intimacy and sexual expression, especially for people who have acquired their disability a bit later on in life, like, yeah, what kind of roles do you play to, like, uplift and support? And Tori Bellentina I think just there's always got to have a big conversation, and then also being available and creating space for additional parties to join that conversation. So I find with a client who's taken the absolute like, fought tooth and nail to come and see me and get it funded. And, you know, set that time aside. I'll always reach out with their support worker as well, and just be like, if you need any support, if you need any help, like, it's free labor on my end, but it's, it's a key to somebody's life. It's a key to somebody's like, absolute positive change. So, you know, a 20 minute phone call with somebody who might want to just call me up in a couple of weeks and be like, actually have another client, and I've got a question, like, can you give me some advice on this? Like, it's 20 minutes of my day, but it's it could be a game changer for somebody. So I think we got a gatekeep less in our industry. I think everybody who has crucial life information should just never gate keep, give it to everybody. It's a big pie we can all share. I think you know, academically, we definitely need to push for more recognition. We need to push for more training. We need to get our government recognise, recognising these things as well. But I think sexologists, we also depending on where you're working and who your peers are like, you know, I'm really grateful to have such great access to other medical workers and calling out crappy behavior and crappy opinions as we all do, and being an ally in that sense. But then, you know, always having an open door for communication of being like, hey, let's let's do that. I know from from one of my major workplaces is passion fruit, and, you know, to make it accessible and to make it something that people can do, we've created free consultations for people with access needs, so they know that they can come in and have a one on one with an educator completely for free, to just figure out what devices and what things are actually going to work for them. And they can choose to do that on themselves. They can choose to bring a support worker with them, and then have that conversation with one of our educators. And like, I think for a business, a small business, to do that is pretty incredible. Madeleine Stewart That sounds like a fun afternoon for me. You know what? I mean? Let's talk about sex. Yeah, that's wonderful. Alistair Baldwin Well do you have any stories about moments when you really felt that your work created a positive impact in someone's life? Tori Bellentina Absolutely, I remember one client who had gone through a lot of grief, and, you know, a loss, a loss of function, and had had sat with that loss of function for well over five years and just kind of thought, well, that that's the end of the game for me. Then they'd kind of met somebody, and they got excited about potentially trying again. And I gave them one of my rehab programs that I worked with. Victoria Cullen, from a touchy subject, she's created an amazing prostate cancer rehab program. Madeleine Stewart Also excellent name, yeah, touchy subject, Tori Bellentina Fantastic. I highly recommend if anyone's got Ed issues, she's the queen. And so she's she's trained me, and so I gave this guy, he didn't have prostate cancer, this function and this program, and within a week, he called messages, it's all working, and life changed. Like, he's just like, I can do all this stuff now. And it's like, you know, was 20 years ago, and, you know, incredible. Like, you know, within that period of time of things being lost and disconnected from the body, and just being like, I'm unable to do this, and being able so quickly get back into it. This is very like, I'm so excited. Alistair Baldwin And it would just be so game changing for your clients and also the people there in relationships as well. Yeah, this kind of work, it's not just for the specific person, but it can often be a very key part of their partner or their sex life, Madeleine Stewart and affects so much of your mental health as well. So that's incredible work that Tori Bellentina Yeah, and a supportive partner like that comes along to these meetings and is just an absolute gold nugget. So like, I implore anyone you know, if their partner has an acquired disability or a disability, come with them, because you're a major part of the conversation and you're there to absolutely game change. I will hear so often with people who have acquired disability or have you know anyone else that's impacted sexual function, that sex is better now because it's changed the status quo, they are very much on this formula of this is how we have sex. And yeah, it's okay, whatever. But now things have changed. We have to reinvent and that sex changes and becomes more explorative and a lot more emotional, a lot more deeper, yeah, and when you've got that partner that's there to drive and help support that, it's invaluable to the whole experience. And people are like, sadly, it was a blessing. You know, this is something that's really changed for us, but, you know, we have such an amazing outcome from it now. Alistair Baldwin And especially the way that, you know, sex education in this country is that feels like a lot of people are just learning this very CIS, heteronormative, auto pilot kind of sex. And I've always said that disabled people are the most creative lovers. I've got my hydraulic bed so I can get any angle that I want, feet elevation, very handy. Sounds like you're making some huge strides in your own work. I've had my mind blown about 10 times just in this conversation. So thanks so much for joining us on the show today. Tori Bellentina Thank you so much for having me and hosting this and creating this space and this discussion, because it's game changer. Madeleine Stewart What an incredible episode we've had. I really like talking to Mandy. I love connecting with other people who have, you know, stumps like me. It's such a special treat. I love picking their brains and learning a bit more about how they live their life and and it's really interesting for me, Alistair Baldwin I know, and how good was it talking to Tori about kind of professional work that she does, doing sexual rehab. And, I mean, sexologist is like my dream job title, so I was just such a great insight. Madeleine Stewart Oh my gosh, I'll see you in the next series of maps with that title. Alistair Baldwin Well that's it for today's episode of love without limits. Goodbye. Madeleine Stewart This has been love without limits, hosted by us, Madeline Stewart and Alastair Baldwin. Alistair Baldwin And produced by Eliza hull, in partnership with SBS and attitude foundation. SBS team is Joel Supple and Max Gosford. Recorded at session in progress.
Daily Mail
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
Candace Cameron Bure says she's still a bulimic as she opens up about eating disorder that began when she was 18
Candace Cameron Bure has revealed that she's still battling eating disorder that started when she was a teenager. The 49-year-old actress admitted she still considers herself to be bulimic during the most recent episode of her eponymous podcast. The episode, called, Why Can't I Feel Free in My Body?, explored body image and insecurities, with Candace talking about how being on TV at a young age affected her confidence. Talking to her guest, author Lisa Whittle, Candace said: 'The thoughts never leave me.' 'I, too, developed an eating disorder, when I was 18,' Candace said after Lisa talked about anorexia. 'It was binging and purging. I'm a bulimic. And I still say I'm a bulimic.' She explained that while she was not actively purging, she was still battling the disorder 'because the thoughts - whether I'm doing that or not - they never leave me.' Candace added: 'So I still need the tools to just say, "No, Candace, we're not doing that".' Candace spoke about how her parents' efforts to prevent her from developing bad eating habits while growing up in the spotlight backfired. She rose to fame at just 11-years-old while starring as DJ Tanner on the late 80s sitcom Full House. They 'did the best job in protecting me,' the former child star said of her mother and father, adding that they 'were really afraid' of her weight potentially being criticized by producers. She went on: 'I had cheeks and I had thicker arms and I was, like, a normal 12-year-old, you know? I really was a normal 12-year-old, but I had a little bit more fat on me than other kids on TV. They were just fearful that I would develop an eating disorder, just because of all of the pressures.' Candace said her family shifted to a health-centered lifestyle, encouraging her: 'Let's make sure we make good choices with food.' She went on: 'Everyone in my house was always on a diet. My mom was always on a diet. My sisters were always on a diet. I was always put on a diet. But it wasn't like, "Oh, you have to lose weight".' Although the attention to health and exercise was 'preventative,' it 'completely shaped my viewpoint that I had about myself and the feelings about my body', she said, adding: 'I'm on TV... and I don't want to be too fat compared to other actors. 'My parents never wanted a producer to come up to me and say, like, "We need your child to lose weight," so let's do everything preventative.' Career: Candace rose to fame at just 11-years-old while starring as DJ Tanner on the 90s sitcom Full House Consequences: Candace said her parents' efforts to prevent her from developing disordered eating habits while growing up in the spotlight backfired (pictured with Bob Saget in 1987) Looking back, Candace said: 'That very thing just shaped the way I looked at my body, which was like, "Oh, it's not good enough the way it is right now". 'That that kind of started young,' she said, adding that it continued 'through my teenage years.' Now, she says she feels like a 'broken record'. 'I'm 49-years-old and I'm like, why do I think about this so much? Why does it even matter so much? It's so ridiculous. And yet I'm still thinking about it,' she concluded.
Daily Mail
4 days ago
- Lifestyle
- Daily Mail
ALEXANDRA SHULMAN'S NOTEBOOK: Why women are losing out in the arms race
While women storm ahead in so many areas of life, they seem to have regressed when it comes to their arms. It's now high summer and I've lost count of the number of times a woman has said she can't wear some item or other because it will expose her arms. As if the sight would induce terror in whoever saw them. Bare arms are one of the nicest things about summer clothes. There's something liberating about the feel of the sun and air on your skin and many of the prettiest dresses and tops are sleeveless. But queasiness around baring our arms prevents many women from wearing them. It's crazy. Personally, although I don't go in for a rigorous workout regime, I've always liked to go sleeveless. And though the years haven't improved the condition of my skin, I'm determined to carry on in spite of the social pressure to cover up unless you have the 'perfect' body. The same goes for wearing a bikini. Looking back at photographs from the 1940s, 50s and 60s, women of all ages appeared far less squeamish about exposing their arms – sleeveless summer frocks and evening wear were worn by everyone. They had no ambition to show off triceps and biceps as hard as tennis balls. They were fortunate that the notion of spending hours lifting weights to sculpt your pectorals had not yet become the norm. But now even women who are perfectly sensible in almost every other way are ludicrously unconfident about their arms. OK, it's hard to name a part of the body most women are confident about. But we're talking about an obsession here. Forget about getting a PhD or becoming a High Court judge – toned arms have become today's trophy status symbol. Last week, The Times's fashion writer Anna Murphy suggested this could be 'a subconscious desire on the part of the modern woman to ape the physicality of her male counterpart, the better to compete in what is still, for the moment, a man's world'. Hmm, I don't think so. There's a lot to tear apart in that sentence, but I will confine myself to disputing the idea that any woman wants her arms to look like a man's. No, unfortunately it seems to be yet another example of women fretting about their bodies and judging those of others. Wobbly or not, our arms have done a lot of heavy lifting for all of us. We're jolly lucky to have them and we should stop giving them such a hard time. ...and knees have a tough time, too It's a myth that the late Queen had no interest in fashion. She may not have rushed into the latest trends but she had strong opinions on what she wore. A new exhibition at Buckingham Palace featuring more than 200 pieces from her wardrobe has just been announced for next spring. Hopefully, it will include some information on what she thought about them, too. Daisy Goodwin has a very entertaining play, By Royal Appointment, which explores the late Queen Elizabeth's relationship with the people who worked on her wardrobe. The thinly disguised characters are based on her favoured designer Sir Hardy Amies, milliner Freddie Fox and long-standing dresser Angela Kelly. The competition for the Queen's attention is funny and moving. In one scene, the Australian milliner character enthuses about the idea of shorter hems for the monarch. 'You have lovely knees, Ma'am,' he gushes inappropriately. 'We don't want to hide them away.' I'm not sure the real Sir Hardy would have been nodding away in agreement. He once told me that he regarded knees as by far the ugliest part of a woman's anatomy. Hot off the press... a £45k ironing job Should anyone think that the position of laundress or lady's maid belonged to the far distant past, the London domestic agency Greycoat Lumleys is advertising for someone to take care of wardrobe management in a private household with expertise in hand-washing delicate items, ironing and alterations. The salary is between £40,000 and £45,000 – somewhat more, I suspect, than a laundress used to make. Can Wes cure the NHS of its ills? Last weekend, I spent eight hours in the A&E of a London hospital with a family member who was suffering acute abdominal pain. Thankfully, the doctor's strike had not yet begun – although perhaps it would have spared us seeing four different doctors before finally being admitted. I'm a great fan of the NHS but its processes are baffling. Each doctor's questions started from scratch: 'What's your date of birth? When did the pain start? Can you tell me a bit about what's going on.' This to a woman in such pain she was vomiting. Even in the fourth interview, after several doses of morphine, the questions remained the same. It's insane that at every stage of this drawn-out process a new doctor appears with practically no knowledge of anything that has happened previously. There appeared to be no shared information they could access. When Wes Streeting speaks of plans to digitalise the NHS, I hope they will do something about the A&E admissions process. It can't come soon enough. Meantime, emails from the NHS about my own health regularly alert me to the date of appointments that have already taken place. Hosting? It's only a plate of antipasti Perhaps it's a long career as a magazine editor but I have a list of words I would like banned. 'Iconic' when referring to a handbag, 'hottest' when describing a restaurant and 'invite' instead of invitation are long-standing peeves. But my new pet hate is 'hosting'. As in 'we are hosting tonight', when all you mean is a couple of people are coming over for supper. I know this makes me an old person, since it's my Gen Z acquaintances who use the term, but to my ancient mind it sounds as pretentious as the elaborately 'curated' (there's another word) antipasti the meal will no doubt include.
Yahoo
4 days ago
- Business
- Yahoo
M&S ad banned over ‘unhealthily thin' model
The UK's advertising regulator has banned a Marks & Spencer advert that appeared on the retailer's app and website, after ruling it 'irresponsible' for portraying a model in a way that suggested unhealthy thinness. This decision offers insight into how retail advertising standards address body image concerns in marketing campaigns. Why the ASA acted: breach of social responsibility in retail advertising According to the ASA, one specific image violated CAP Code rule 1.3 by presenting a model whose pose, outfit and camera angle emphasised slenderness. The model's prominent collarbones, the downward tilt of her head, and pointed shoes were all cited as contributing factors that made her appear unhealthily thin. M&S confirmed it had removed the image and pledged to prepare future adverts responsibly. Retailer's response and wider industry context M&S told the ASA that all its models are in good health, and that the pose and styling choices were intended to convey confidence, not to exaggerate slimness. The retailer also emphasised its inclusive sizing range, from UK size 8 to 24, and stated that other flagged images had been reviewed but not banned. This ruling follows similar ASA actions earlier in 2025, including bans on adverts by Next and Warehouse for comparable issues, signalling renewed scrutiny on body image in fashion retail adverts. Implications for retail advertising standards and future campaigns The ASA's decision underlines the growing enforcement of retail advertising standards relating to social responsibility and body image. Marketing teams across the UK's fashion industry are now under closer observation, especially regarding visual composition—including camera angles, styling and model selection. Industry experts say this is part of a broader pushback against unrealistic body ideals, which have been fuelled by social media trends and weight-loss drug culture. Retailers will need to ensure their advertisements comply with ASA guidance to avoid social irresponsibility rulings. This includes careful review of imagery for any indicators of unhealthy thinness, and may require stricter internal checks before launching campaigns. "M&S ad banned over 'unhealthily thin' model" was originally created and published by Retail Insight Network, a GlobalData owned brand. The information on this site has been included in good faith for general informational purposes only. It is not intended to amount to advice on which you should rely, and we give no representation, warranty or guarantee, whether express or implied as to its accuracy or completeness. You must obtain professional or specialist advice before taking, or refraining from, any action on the basis of the content on our site.
The Sun
23-07-2025
- Lifestyle
- The Sun
I got a £15k body makeover paid for by my ex – now it's Christmas everyday for my NEW man
CHECKING the weather forecast, Melissa Jolly let out a sigh. While full sunshine and soaring temperatures might be good news for most, for the mum-of-four it was her worst nightmare. 7 7 7 'I dreaded summer coming round each year,' she admits. 'I'd cover up as much as possible, but in the heat, it was impossible.' Previously happy with her looks, Melissa admits that since becoming a mum she had become increasingly self-conscious about her appearance. 'After my eldest, Lucca, was born when I was 20, my belly and boobs had changed for the worse,' she says. 'Then I'd had Annabel, and after splitting from their dad, I'd met a new man. 'We'd married and had two more little ones. 'While I loved that my body had kept my babies safe, I hated how it looked. It felt unrecognisable to me.' Over the years, Melissa, from Manchester, had tried everything she could to try to lose the flab, from shake diets to strenuous workout routines. But at 29, Melissa was still a size 16. 'It was my loose skin that bothered me the most,' the 32-year-old says. I spent £75k to turn myself into a 'yummy mummy' - not only am I now more confident in a bikini, but a better parent too 'I tucked my saggy tum into big Bridget Jones-style pants while my 34E spaniel ears would be hoicked up in a bra. 'When I went for drinks with friends, they'd be in teeny co-ords and body-con dresses. 'I always wished I could do the same but instead, I donned a frumpy shirt dress to cover up my baggy tum.' Shopping was out of the question for the mum too. 'I couldn't cope with changing room mirrors,' she admits 'So, I'd live in oversized tees and big jumpers, two sizes too large. 'I'd moan to my husband that I looked like a woman in my 50s and gradually became more depressed about the way I looked.' Then, when Melissa's granddad passed away suddenly it made her take a new outlook at her life. 7 7 'I missed him dearly and it made me think that life was too short to live my life this way,' she says. 'I wasn't happy in our marriage, so I moved out and we got divorced.' The former couple stayed civil and took it in turns to take care of the kids but Melissa says that her body hang ups were still taking a toll. 'I'd always put my kids first,' she says. 'If they needed something, of course I'd go without. That's just what mums do. 'But I realised, I have to do something for myself.' Melissa began looking into surgery to have her excess skin removed. 'It was pricey, but I was investing in me,' she says. 'Luckily, I had a pot of money left over from the divorce settlement.' She came across a clinic with great reviews online, the Pall Mall clinic in Manchester. When a friend went in for surgery and came out looking 'fabulous' Melissa decided it was time to take the bull by the horns. After a consultation with Dr Prabad at Pall Mall, she booked in for a breast enlargement with uplift, tummy tuck, liposuction, and muscle repair on her stomach. And it didn't come cheap with Melissa's final bill coming in at £15,000, a price she was happy to pay. 'I wanted to make sure I was in safe hands,' she explains. 'I only told a few people close to me what I had planned because I didn't need unwanted opinions. 'My friend Steph agreed to help out with the kids and change dressings. 'Luckily, she was a nurse, and so was my mum. 'They'd take care of me while I rested up after the operation.' Only Steph had another idea of how she could help her friend out. 'One day, about two weeks before my surgery, she suggested that I go on a date with her brother,' says Melissa. 'I'd met her brother Will a few times, and he seemed a good sort. 'But we didn't know each other well. Still, we went on a date and had a few drinks and he was easy to chat to. 'When I explained about my surgery, he looked me up and down and told me I didn't need to have it done. 'It was sweet but I wasn't doing this for any man. This was all for me.' The pair began dating and Melissa says that she still felt self-conscious about her figure. 'I felt self-conscious getting undressed in front of Will but he made it clear he fancied me rotten anyway,' she says. 'Even with my boobs hanging down round my middle!' When the day of the operation rolled around, Melissa arranged for her two eldest to stay with her mum for the weekend while the two youngest were at their dad's so she could recover in peace. Will joined Melissa at the clinic where the reality of what she was undertaking dawned on her. 'My stomach was full of butterflies as I was wheeled into the operating theatre,' she says. Different types of weight loss surgery For many people who are overweight or obese, they may feel they have exhausted options for weight loss and want to try something more drastic. Weight loss surgery may be available to them on the NHS if they have a BMI over 40 and have a condition that may be improved with weight loss, such as diabetes. But the availability of these procedures largely depends on where you live in the UK. People can also pay privately. Weight loss surgery is a common and safe procedure. However, as with any operation, there are risks, such as a blood clot, a band slipping out of place, a stomach infection, gallstones and excessive skin from weight loss that in most cases, won't be removed on the NHS. In all of the following options, the space in the stomach is reduced, therefore a person feels fuller after eating less food. They lose weight as a result. However, it is necessary for them to also learn good eating habits and have a healthy balanced diet, too. Gastric bypass The stomach is divided into two using a staple. The smaller part is connected to the intestines, effectively cutting how much space there is in the stomach by half. The operation takes around two hours. Gastric band A band is tied around the top of the stomach and inflated so that it tightens. The operation takes three to four hours. Gastric balloon Patients swallow an empty balloon which is attached to a tube. The balloon is filled with water via the tube, taking around 20 minutes, so that it fills around two-thirds of the stomach space. Sleeve gastrectomy Around 80 per cent of the stomach is removed in surgery to make it much smaller and a sleeve shape. The operation takes between one and three hours. 'But I pictured my brand-new body as everything turned black. 'When I woke up, I looked down and there, under bandages, were my new perky 34G boobs. 'They were mountains compared to what I was used to and while I couldn't see my flat tum, I could certainly feel it.' Thrilled but battered and bruised, Melissa recovered at the clinic with Will by her side before she was eventually sent home. A week later, Melissa's drains were removed from her chest and with the help of Steph and her mum within another week she was on the mend. 'My bandages were off and, like magic, I was a whole new woman,' Melissa says. With a new found confidence, Melissa bought brand-new outfits to accentuate her size 14 curves. 'When I pulled on a body-con dress with a huge cut-out over the midriff, I gasped,' she admits. 'Will took me out to a bar to celebrate, six weeks after my surgery. 'I felt spectacular and when I nipped to the ladies, even people I didn't know were full of lovely comments. 'I didn't care what blokes thought but all those gorgeous girls fawning over my figure was the cherry on top of the cake.' Seven months on from surgery, Melissa says her kids are reaping the rewards of her new positive outlook. 'I'm full of beans, taking them on day trips and even swimming,' she says. 'We'd never gone to the pool together before. 'And on the school run, I'll be in little co-ords, proudly showing my shape.' And it's not just the kids who are benefiting. 'With my new-found confidence, it's Christmas every day for Will in the bedroom now too,' says Melissa. 'This summer, I'll be proudly wearing bikinis by the pool. 'We need to ditch the stigma around 'mummy makeovers'. 'It's OK to want to get your groove back after having children. 'I feel sexy and empowered – you can't put a price on that.' 7 7
