Shockingly bad ‘War of the Worlds' is one of the worst movies of the decade
Zero Stars
Zero Stars. Running time: 91 minutes. Rated PG-13 (some sci-fi action/violence, strong language and bloody images). On Prime Video.
'The War of the Worlds' is a seminal 1898 Martian-attack novel by H.G. Wells.
And in 1938, it was turned into a national-panic-inducing radio broadcast by Orson Welles.
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Now, Prime Video's noxious new movie adaptation of the story, starring Ice Cube, has got me feeling unwells.
It's easily one of the worst films of the decade — a war on our will to live. E.T. Extra-Terrible. The Search for Schlock.
How has what should've been a standard-issue space-invader explosion fest turned into a brainless corporate HR instructional video?
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Step aboard the time machine.
Director Rich Lee's repellent film was shot way back in 2020 with strict Covid rules, which means the whole travail is just a series of Zoom calls at Ice Cube's character William's office. Cube in a cubicle.
Just what everybody wants to watch after work: Ice Cube typing in his password.
5 Ice Cube stars in a new adaptation of 'The War of the Worlds.'
Amazon Prime
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Once completed, 'The War of the Worlds' sat on a shelf for five years. It should've stayed put.
But no. The mess was quietly dropped on Amazon Prime last week like an afternoon package delivery.
In the studio's sole wise decision, they decided not to screen this garbage for critics ahead of time.
If all that doesn't scream 'hit!'…
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Actually, 'War' has shot up to No. 5 on the Prime Video charts in the US, thanks to bored masochists. But those gluttons for punishment have now discovered what poorly made, confusing, logic-free muck it is.
5 A global alien invasion is over inside of 90 minutes.
Amazon Prime
The story, which the filmmakers have had only 127 years to adapt, appears to take place in real time.
A global alien invasion — America, Russia, China, Africa — begins and ends inside 91 minutes.
'Independence Day' is a documentary next to 'The War of the Worlds.'
And Ice Cube in a cardigan is no 1990s Will Smith. His off-putting character is hardly up to the task of saving the planet in two hours from a swivel chair.
Will works at the Department of Homeland Security tracking terrorist threats via a network of cameras and drones.
5 Eva Longoria plays a NASA employee.
Amazon Prime
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Ice Cube shouts at the monitor, makes clownish facial expressions and places endless video calls — to Will's pregnant daughter, his tech-obsessed son and Eva Longoria's Sandra, who is employed by NASA in some vague capacity.
Mystifyingly, there is nobody else at this office in, I repeat, the Department of Homeland Security during the middle of the workday.
A creep, William also obsessively stalks his kids' movements using company equipment.
Then, Earth is struck by coordinated asteroids that contain giant alien robots that start wreaking havoc in major world cities.
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We see the action, such as it is, from news broadcasts and drone footage.
5 Most of the movie is Ice Cube's character Will on Zoom calls.
Amazon Prime
The special effects are a huge step down from Steven Spielberg's 'War of the Worlds' starring Tom Cruise 20 years ago.
This CGI would actually be very good if it weren't for the music video of 'Blue' by Eiffel 65.
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Alas, the only thing blue here is the poor viewer.
Can the script make up for the cheap-o visuals?
Nope. I was certain the dialogue was written by a hamster with ink on its paws until I checked the IMDB page.
The screenplay by Kenny Golde and Marc Hyman gets overcomplicated because they're desperately reaching for something to spice up Ice Cube staring at a computer at his desk.
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5 Amazon should scrap this movie from their streaming service.
Amazon Prime
So, William also pursues a WikiLeaks-like hacker called the Disruptor, who is trying to expose the US Government's plan to spy on citizens.
Improbably, the manner in which the Disruptor subplot unfolds is more preposterous than the alien attacks.
The day is saved toward the end when an Amazon delivery guy pilots a drone to ship a thumb drive across Washington, DC.
That really happens.
However, the best way for Amazon to protect humanity would be to take this abomination off its streaming service.
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