I want a relationship, not out of love or passion, but out of fear of the future. Is this selfish?
I've come to a moment in my life I never expected; I'm contemplating starting a relationship, not out of love or passion, but out of fear – fear of the future. I always thought I'd be above such reasoning. But witnessing illness up close, seeing the care my father received from his wife and us children, the comfort of not being alone in a hospital bed, shook me more than I was prepared for.
It's a quiet but profound shift inside me. I stopped seeking out companionship a few years ago, deliberately. I did try but none of the few women I dated stirred anything close to love in me. So, as a 55-year-old man, I told myself it just wasn't worth it: the arguments, the jealousy, the constant need to defend one's need for solitude – especially for someone like me, deeply introverted by nature.
So here I am, caught between a single status that has brought me a decent measure of peace and the quiet realisation that, as the years go by, life will only grow more difficult – if I'm lucky enough to keep living it. I don't know what to do.
Eleanor says: It sounds as though you were quite shaken by the experience of watching your father's illness. I wonder: why should we be 'above' reasoning that comes from that place? What's base about wanting a relationship in part because you don't like the look of life without one? 'I'd prefer not to be alone in the last chapter in my life.' Why is that more bizarre or embarrassing as a reason for a relationship than 'I prefer not to live without physical touch', or, 'I prefer to have someone to chat to in the evenings?' Lots of the reasons we want a relationship boil off to not much liking the look of life without one. Part of that can be that we don't want to die alone. I don't think this has to be capitulation, fear or a bad reason for being in a relationship. I think it's quite a normal and nice thing to want. Shifting into that way of seeing things might even help with a relationship itself.
Related: I want to start dating casually. How do I turn off the illogical, hopelessly romantic part of my brain? | Leading questions
You say that none of the women you've dated stirred love in you. But finding a relationship of the sort you're talking about – one where you're committed to each other, you help each other in sickness and in health – that isn't just about what other people can evoke in you. It's about whether you can build something together. Of course, your prospective companion has to stir something in you. But that's not the whole story; it's not just a matter of walking into a room holding a romantic Geiger counter and seeing what they can produce in you. You also have to be willing to see what you could produce together.
Long-term love isn't just about how well we evaluate the other person. It's also about deciding to love and care for each other no matter what. Like the way you and your siblings cared for your dad – you didn't first look for the best dad, then care for him because of how well he performed on the search. It's in part because of what you've built and shared together that you loved him enough to do that, and so too for his wife. I think evaluation and commitment are constantly passing the baton back and forth in this kind of lifelong, care-by-the-bedside love; I'm committed to be here because you're the best I can imagine and part of why you're the best I can imagine is that I've committed to be here.
All that to say, I think love is partly what another person produces in you and partly what you build together. As a friend of mine is fond of saying: wanting a wife is not the same as wanting to be a husband.
I don't think you have to look upon this new desire askance, or even as a peculiar response to fear. It's possible it's just a new preference – one you've developed in light of the emotional experience you've just had. Luckily, lots of other people want a relationship for partly these reasons – and lots of other people may be open to seeing what they could build with you.
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Boston Globe
6 days ago
- Boston Globe
Their children have a rare condition. They didn't know its name – until now.
The adults standing by waited to see what the two would do next. To someone watching from the outside, the interactions of five children in a D.C. park on a warm weekend afternoon would not have seemed extraordinary. But to those children's parents, every move offered insights - into what they could do now, into what they might be able to do someday. Advertisement The families recently learned they share a profound connection. They had each watched their children fail to hit the milestones others did with seeming ease. They were late to crawl and walk. Some have trouble eating and don't speak. A few have seizures. 'Global developmental delays,' the doctors call it when such lags in language, motor skills and cognition happen at the same time. Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday through Friday. Enter Email Sign Up Doctors couldn't tell them why their children were experiencing what they were experiencing, and with no diagnosis, they had no clear prognosis for their kids, or themselves. It was an excruciating mystery that hummed through years of specialist visits and brain scans that yielded no clear answers. Until last year. Thanks to a global partnership among genetics researchers and the relentless organizing of parents, the five D.C.-area families who gathered in the park - and many more who aren't yet aware of the breakthrough - now have a name for their children's condition. The rare genetic anomaly that causes it was discovered just last year, and families that once felt alone with their questions are now finding answers and one another. Advertisement Eleanor clapped when she saw the flower that day. But instead of taking hold of it, she let more than a minute pass, seeming unable to grasp it. Three-year-old Rae lay beside the two, warming herself in the sun. Her mom, Leila Levi, marveled at seeing the children together. 'You just hope,' she said, 'that the world is kind to them.' Eleanor Liu, 3, played in a D.C. park in April. Shedrick Pelt/For The Washington Post The discovery A little over a year before, a leading expert on rare diseases at the University of Oxford, Nicky Whiffin, was looking at the data in front of her and thought there was a mistake. One of her students, Yuyang Chen, had been searching through a vast British database, known as the 100,000 Genomes Project, as part of her team's effort to ferret out answers for people with undiagnosed conditions. For years, Whiffin's strategy had been to scour the less-studied regions of the genome. Out of nearly 9,000 patients with unexplained brain development disorders, Chen found that 46 of them had an identical change in their DNA, a single added letter in their 6-billion-part genetic code. 'That looks to me like it's an error in the data,' Whiffin told him. In the world of rare conditions, that was a stunningly high number of cases. Something must be wrong with the sequencing technology or their analysis tools, she thought. So they set about trying to knock down their discovery. Advertisement 'And we just couldn't disprove it,' Whiffin said. She reached out to collaborators around the world looking for confirmation, including a scientist in Boston who is part of the GREGoR Consortium, a national network of researchers working to diagnose rare disease cases. That scientist, Anne O'Donnell-Luria, sent a request to a geneticist at Children's National Hospital in D.C. for more information about patients with the same genetic change, or similar ones in nearly the same place. Seth Berger, a medical geneticist at Children's National, looked at about 300 patients. A big part of his job is helping to discover new diseases. He had never seen anything like this. 'Typically when we find a new syndrome, I'll find one in this region. And then we'll find one in like Texas, and one in Florida, and maybe a couple in Europe somewhere. And you maybe find five people around the world,' Berger said. A genetic condition known as ReNU syndrome was discovered last year, bringing answers to five D.C.-area families. Shedrick Pelt/For The Washington Post Four families were found in the Washington area alone. Whiffin published an early version of the findings in April 2024, and a final version in the journal Nature that July. The math was astounding - the implications for families even more so. She estimates that 0.4 percent of babies born with severe neurodevelopmental disorders have this newly identified genetic condition. 'Huge,' Berger said of the discovery. 'Kind of madness,' Whiffin said. It's called ReNU syndrome, a nod to the gene at issue, RNU4-2. By Whiffin's calculations, 100,000 people around the globe are living with it. Life without answers When Kathy Yang got the call last year from Children's National finally putting a name and scientific explanation to what was happening with her daughter Eleanor, she began to cry. Advertisement From the moment Eleanor was born, Yang knew something was different. The doctors told her she had nothing to worry about. But she had two other kids, and deep down, she knew. Within months, doctors confirmed what she sensed. Eleanor was diagnosed with hypotonia, which is also called 'floppy infant syndrome' and is characterized by low muscle tone. She had microcephaly, meaning her head was smaller than was typical of children her age. Yang went into an Instagram spiral, trying to understand her daughter through photos of others with disabilities. 'Is that Eleanor? Is that Eleanor?' she wondered. During evenings left alone with her thoughts, she feared it was her fault. 'I was in my head, like, 'Is it because I ate something wrong? Is it because I had that one sip of wine?' So it haunts you,' Yang said. What was facing Eleanor was not caused by, or inherited from, her parents. ReNU stems from what scientists call 'de novo' genetic variants, or changes that are 'newly arisen in the child,' Whiffin said. When Yang finally learned the cause of her daughter's condition, she cried. 'I could take away some of the guilt,' she recalled. There was much she didn't know about raising a child with a developmental disability, and there are many questions that remain, like what will Eleanor's life be as an adult? But, she said, she knows this: 'She's a joy to have in our family.' Eleanor's dad, Henry Liu, was struck watching his daughter with the other children affected by ReNU. 'They're all like twins,' he said. 'They're very good-natured. They're happy kids.' Susannah Rosenblatt played with her 5-year-old son, Sam, and his older brother, Charlie. Shedrick Pelt/For The Washington Post For eight years, Lindsay Pearse and her husband, Grant, who live in Warrenton, Virginia, tried to figure out what was happening with their son, Lars. They were in and out of the hospital, seeing specialist after specialist. They addressed Lars's 'global delays' with physical and speech therapy, a feeding tube and leg braces. But they, like the others, had not been able to dig out the cause of their child's challenges. They thought they might never know. Advertisement Then they got a call early last year. Lars - like Adeline, Eleanor and Rae - had been enrolled in a research project with Berger at Children's National. Their DNA had provided vital pieces of evidence in Whiffin's global study. For families, it's been like they've somehow been given access to a time machine. Beyond the kinship and camaraderie of finding families who have gone through what they have, they now have a view into the opportunities and dangers coming years or decades down the line. Lars had his first seizure when he was 2. They were sporadic at first, but in the last year they've ramped up, which had worried his parents. Now, the family is part of a community that includes parents of teenagers and young adults with ReNU syndrome who saw the same pattern in their kids and shared their experiences. From them, the family also learned that weak bones could emerge as a problem, better preparing them to try to address it. The rush of practical information has pared back a sense of helplessness - and injected new energy and hope for many. Pearse has used the fear and frustration of her family's experience to fuel efforts to organize, helping found a patient advocacy group last fall, ReNU Syndrome United. The group, at its first conference in July, is developing a global road map, ranging from fundraising to coordination with researchers and companies, for finding therapeutics that could help people with ReNU. Advertisement 'What we've learned from the scientific community is it's very targetable,' Pearse said, adding that their sights are on a 'bullish' five-year timeline to try to find treatments. Many questions remain about what parts of the condition might be preventable or reversible. For example, a gene therapy breakthrough might address Lars's troubles expressing himself through language, which she finds heartbreaking. That would be a relief as a parent, she said, and yet, 'I also very much personally believe that Lars is perfect as he is.' Whiffin said with new genetic therapies, including tools to edit DNA and target crucial proteins, ReNU could end up being 'one of the fastest discoveries of a disorder to getting a treatment.' But there are many caveats, leaving her with 'tempered hope.' Researchers must learn more about the basic biology of ReNU, which affects a complex process within cells called splicing, to know if a therapy will be safe and effective, Whiffin said. Since ReNU is a disorder of development, a child might need treatment very early on to make a difference, she said. Yet sometimes that's not needed. ReNU is drawing crucial interest from drug companies, as well as other researchers, she said, because so many people are affected. Turns out, their island wasn't deserted after all, Pearse said. Vast numbers of families are still out there. 'We'd love to find them,' she said. Finding one another Four of the families had met before the recent park gathering. They called themselves Team Real - for Rae, Eleanor, Addie and Lars. A fifth Washington-area child, Sam, joined them for the first time that Sunday. His family just learned his diagnosis in April, thanks to a network of eagle-eyed moms - including Rae's - and a rapid-fire series of connections. 'Our sweet girl was diagnosed with a newly discovered genetic mutation last year,' Rae's mother, Leila Levi, of Bethesda, Maryland, wrote in a Facebook post on April 3. She's normally guarded about exposing her family's business on social media but wanted to share information about ReNU and a fundraising page for the D.C. families. Levi's law school classmate saw the post, thought the symptoms sounded familiar and told her friend, Sam's mom, Susannah Rosenblatt, who contacted Berger. He asked for Sam's raw data from previous genetic testing and easily pinpointed the added letter that Whiffin's team had identified. When Sam, 5, rolled up to the park in jeans and a blue fleece, Adeline took an interest. She's social, which her parents credit partly to her twin brother Oliver, who has pushed her from the start. At school, she tries to take care of other kids, and is particularly drawn to those with special needs. At home, she sets out lunch boxes for her dolls, mothering them. She'd never met Sam before. That day, she reached for a colorful pop-it toy he was holding. Then she tried to borrow a tablet Sam uses to communicate, since he makes sounds and gestures but does not speak. 'Addie, see that's his,' her mom said. 'Does she like your toy? So you need to hug mommy about it?' his mom said. 'He's really good with the talker,' Eleanor's mom said. 'That's amazing.' He had pushed a button generating the message: 'My name is Sam.' The gathering sometimes appeared too much for Sam, who as his mom held him, began tugging at her hair, a coping mechanism she hopes to help him grow out of - and a scene familiar to some of the other parents there. That's something Lars does too sometimes, when he can't communicate what he wants or needs, his mother explained. 'Nobody was bothered,' Rosenblatt said later, describing her relief. 'There was no awkwardness or judgment if your child's acting in an unexpected way, because they can totally understand and relate.'
Yahoo
23-05-2025
- Yahoo
Man Tries to Save Snake Not Knowing It Was Venomous. He Spent 2 Nights in the Hospital After Getting Bitten
New York City writer Dan Geiger tried to save a snake he spotted while cycling in New Jersey Although he didn't know it at the time, the snake was venomous — and ended up biting him In images shared by Hackensack University Medical Center, where he had to stay for two nights to recover, the writer's finger was captured with a swollen black woundA man tried to help move a snake out of the road and got a nasty bite in the process. Dan Deiger was cycling in New Jersey's Palisades Cliffs on Wednesday, May 21, when he saw a small snake, according to a Hackensack Memorial Health press release. Not wanting the serpent to be injured by a bike, the writer — who lives in New York City — decided he was going to help move the creature away. However, unbeknownst to him, it was a venomous Copperhead. 'He first tried nudging the snake with his water bottle, hoping it would slither away,' the hospital wrote. 'When it didn't budge, Dan made a split-second decision he now regrets. He reached out with his hand. In a flash, the snake struck, sinking its fangs into his finger.' "Dan immediately knew something was wrong. Although he didn't know what type of snake it was, he assumed based on how much he was bleeding, it was venomous," the hospital continued. Fortunately, he was able to flag down two strangers to call 911. Geiger told local Fox affiliate WNYW that ultimately, his 'hand was just too close to its head." "It struck me with precision and speed," he added. Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. While it's rare for someone to die from a Copperhead snake's venom, a limb can be seriously damaged as a result of the bite, according to Hackensack Memorial Health. 'It contains toxins that break down tissue, causing intense pain, swelling, blistering, and even tissue death (necrosis),' they explained. The venom also disrupts blood clotting, leading to internal bleeding and further complications. The longer the venom circulates, the more widespread the damage.' In pictures shared by Hackensack Memorial Health, the snake bite victim's index finger featured a swollen, black wound. According to the hospital, Geiger stayed there for two nights before being discharged — but he still 'won't be using his hand for another week or so until the residual swelling and bruising subsides." 'He still loves the Palisades and its wildlife, but he's learned a valuable lesson: admire from a distance," the hospital wrote. "He'll think twice before intervening again, no matter how good his intentions." Read the original article on People
Yahoo
16-05-2025
- Yahoo
I want a relationship, not out of love or passion, but out of fear of the future. Is this selfish?
I've come to a moment in my life I never expected; I'm contemplating starting a relationship, not out of love or passion, but out of fear – fear of the future. I always thought I'd be above such reasoning. But witnessing illness up close, seeing the care my father received from his wife and us children, the comfort of not being alone in a hospital bed, shook me more than I was prepared for. It's a quiet but profound shift inside me. I stopped seeking out companionship a few years ago, deliberately. I did try but none of the few women I dated stirred anything close to love in me. So, as a 55-year-old man, I told myself it just wasn't worth it: the arguments, the jealousy, the constant need to defend one's need for solitude – especially for someone like me, deeply introverted by nature. So here I am, caught between a single status that has brought me a decent measure of peace and the quiet realisation that, as the years go by, life will only grow more difficult – if I'm lucky enough to keep living it. I don't know what to do. Eleanor says: It sounds as though you were quite shaken by the experience of watching your father's illness. I wonder: why should we be 'above' reasoning that comes from that place? What's base about wanting a relationship in part because you don't like the look of life without one? 'I'd prefer not to be alone in the last chapter in my life.' Why is that more bizarre or embarrassing as a reason for a relationship than 'I prefer not to live without physical touch', or, 'I prefer to have someone to chat to in the evenings?' Lots of the reasons we want a relationship boil off to not much liking the look of life without one. Part of that can be that we don't want to die alone. I don't think this has to be capitulation, fear or a bad reason for being in a relationship. I think it's quite a normal and nice thing to want. Shifting into that way of seeing things might even help with a relationship itself. Related: I want to start dating casually. How do I turn off the illogical, hopelessly romantic part of my brain? | Leading questions You say that none of the women you've dated stirred love in you. But finding a relationship of the sort you're talking about – one where you're committed to each other, you help each other in sickness and in health – that isn't just about what other people can evoke in you. It's about whether you can build something together. Of course, your prospective companion has to stir something in you. But that's not the whole story; it's not just a matter of walking into a room holding a romantic Geiger counter and seeing what they can produce in you. You also have to be willing to see what you could produce together. Long-term love isn't just about how well we evaluate the other person. It's also about deciding to love and care for each other no matter what. Like the way you and your siblings cared for your dad – you didn't first look for the best dad, then care for him because of how well he performed on the search. It's in part because of what you've built and shared together that you loved him enough to do that, and so too for his wife. I think evaluation and commitment are constantly passing the baton back and forth in this kind of lifelong, care-by-the-bedside love; I'm committed to be here because you're the best I can imagine and part of why you're the best I can imagine is that I've committed to be here. All that to say, I think love is partly what another person produces in you and partly what you build together. As a friend of mine is fond of saying: wanting a wife is not the same as wanting to be a husband. I don't think you have to look upon this new desire askance, or even as a peculiar response to fear. It's possible it's just a new preference – one you've developed in light of the emotional experience you've just had. Luckily, lots of other people want a relationship for partly these reasons – and lots of other people may be open to seeing what they could build with you.
