Inspiring dads: Cancer survivor, 69, is sole caregiver of special needs son, 14.

Straits Times

a day ago

Mr Ben Phua wishes he had more time to read to his son, Zai Quan, who has special needs. As the boy's sole caregiver, however, he has too many chores to manage every day. ST PHOTO: TARYN NG
SINGAPORE – When Mr Ben Phua, 69, takes a bus with Zai Quan, 14, strangers sometimes compliment the boy's striking eyes and thick lashes.
'They say Zai Quan is so handsome and they ask, 'Is this your grandson?' I say, 'No, this is my son,'' he says.
The divorced retiree is the sole caregiver of his only child, who was born with an extra chromosome, resulting in multiple disabilities. While Zai Quan can walk, he is non-verbal and relies on his father for everyday activities.
Mr Phua never intended to get married, much less become a father. Looking for love was a luxury for the bachelor, who worked long hours as a building technician, among other roles. In his spare time, he upgraded himself through night classes at the former Vocational and Industrial Training Board.
At his mother's behest, he married a 26-year-old Chinese national in 2009 within weeks of being introduced to her. He was then 53.
The couple were blindsided when their baby was born with special needs in November 2010, he says. The doctor had not alerted them to any abnormalities.
The stress of raising Zai Quan created a rift in their marriage and his former wife left their marital home several times over the years. Their divorce was finalised in May 2020 and Mr Phua had sole custody of their then 10-year-old son.
He quit his job as a mechanical and engineering site supervisor in the construction industry to take care of his son in late 2019. Six months later, he had to undergo surgery for Stage 2 prostate cancer.
Unhappy with his domestic helper's quarrelsome ways, he let her go in 2021 and took over caring for Zai Quan full time in their three-room flat in Ang Mo Kio.
Their daily routine is simple bu t s tressful, Mr Phua says.
Zai Quan tends to wake up late if he has trouble sleeping , which is more often than not these days . So, Mr Phua feeds the boy a cup of Milo in between getting him ready to board the school bus to Minds Fernvale Gardens School in the late morning.
If his son manages to wake up early, he reheats for him the food he cooked the previous night.
While Zai Quan is in school, Mr Phua does household chores, including washing clothes his son may have soiled, and makes dinner.
The self-taught cook says his early meals 'cannot make it', but now, he knows his way around seasonings and considers his fried chicken and pork 'quite tasty, very nice'. He mashes his son's food by hand as he has no blender.
Once Zai Quan returns home in the late afternoon, it is time for him to eat and shower before being tucked into bed between 10pm and midnight.
Mr Phua says his movements have been slower since his hernia operation in 2023, making daily tasks a challenge.
Mr Ben Phua's movements have become slower since his hernia operation in 2023, which makes caring for his special needs son, Zai Quan, 14, more of a challenge.
ST PHOTO: TARYN NG
During a particularly trying period two years ago, he had to postpone his operation as his son fell sick with flu and had to be hospitalised for two weeks.
Later, he scrambled to find a place for Zai Quan to stay while he himself was admitted for his surgery, and was relieved when Assisi Hospice accepted the boy for about 90 days, especially since he had post-operation complications.
On some days, he admits, he just runs out of steam. 'I fall asleep when I'm eating,' he says. When he wakes up with a start, he rushes to bathe his son before his bedtime.
He relies on his Central Provident Fund retirement account savings to get by, as well as help from government initiatives such as ComCare , a social safety net for lower-income families, and social service agency Singapore Cancer Society, plus subsidies from various organisations.
The team from cancer non-profit 365 Cancer Prevention Societ y , which used to dispense financial assistance to Mr Phua, currently supports him and his son with home visits, as well as texts and phone calls.
Father and son enjoy the occasional day out, thanks to activities organised by the cancer society and Club Rainbow, a charity that supports children with chronic illnesses. Mr Phua also looks forward to receiving vegetables and dry groceries every month from the residents' committee.
He says ' it is not easy ' to take care of a child with special needs, listing the never-ending inconveniences he has to bear, from cleaning faeces off clothing to keeping his temper in check when his son ref uses to obey.
But when he is reading from a poster of fruits to Zai Quan for the photo shoot, he reveals a different side.
A big smile replaces his frown as he hugs his son. His voice softens. Zai Quan sits in rapt attention when his father talks to him, smiling and grunting. This means that he is happy, Mr Phua says.
If only he had the time to read to his son every day, he laments. There is just too much to do at home.
With the boy turning 15 in November and Mr Phua almost in his seventh decade, the issue of who will take care of his son weighs heavily on his mind. The second of four siblings, Mr Phua worries that Zai Quan will end up in a nursing home, where he will have no intellectual stimulation.
Turning to his son, he says: 'Papa's last wish is to find a good home for you.'
Stephanie Yeo is senior correspondent at The Straits Times' Life section.
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