The Secret Diary of .. the United Nations letters

Newsroom

18-07-2025

MONDAY
Dear United Nations
How are you? Good I hope.
My name is David Seymour, and I write to you as the de facto Prime Minister of New Zealand, a trading post in the South Seas governed by the Atlas Project.
What we do here is our own damned business and that includes the way we treat our natives, which is with manifest kindness unless they get uppity.
One of your officials has criticised my Regulatory Standards Bill for its approach to indigenous affairs. I don't appreciate it. The irony is that I'm indigenous. I can trace my whakapapa directly back to Ayn Rand.
We don't like strangers in these parts and I'll thank you to shut your face.
TUESDAY
Dear United Nations
I hope this letter finds you well.
My name is Christopher Luxon, and I write to you as the CEO of New Zealand, a private equity company with a duty of care towards the sorted.
I am writing to express my utmost respect for the work you do at the United Nations and to clarify a matter concerning communication that may have arisen.
It has come to my attention that some individuals have been reaching out to you, claiming to act on my behalf without the proper authorisation. I wish to emphasise that these communications do not reflect my views or intentions. I value integrity and transparency in all my dealings, and I am committed to ensuring that any correspondence from me is sent directly and officially.
If there are any queries or concerns regarding these unauthorised communications, please do not hesitate to contact me directly. It is important to me that our correspondence is clear and accurate, free from misunderstanding or misrepresentation.
This letter was not written by AI.
WEDNESDAY
Dear United Nations
Long version: This is Winston Peters. You know who I am. Okay. Listen. An idiot recently wrote you a letter in regard to criticisms from a UN official. He claimed to be running the show in New Zealand. He is not running the show. I am running the show. I have always been running the show. I am the show. The letter that clown sent to you isn't worth the paper it's written on. It's worthless. It's junk. Don't even worry about it or give it a second thought. I know the guy who sent it. He's a weak, spineless character who trembles like a jellyfish every time you go near him. He floats away if you poke him with a stick. I like poking him with a stick. It's something that passes the time. You'll know all about the need for amusements when you get to my age. If you get to my age. There are no guarantees in this life. No one ever gave me anything. I fought for what I have. I'm still fighting. I'll go down fighting. What time is it? I need to go down for a nap. A man needs his sleep. I find mornings are best but afternoons are good too and let's not discount the evenings. Alright. Let's leave it at that.
Short version: This is Winston Peters. Don't bother reading any correspondence from Christopher Luxon. ZZZ.
THURSDAY
Dear United Nations
Kia ora, as we say in New Zealand.
My name is Chris Hipkins, and I am a close personal friend and former colleague of Jacinda Ardern.
You will have received letters from the three leaders of our coalition Government.
The previous government was headed by myself, after I replaced Jacinda Ardern.
The letters confirm what everyone already thinks in New Zealand, that most days it seems Christopher Luxon isn't in charge of his own government, and that David Seymour and Winston Peters do what they like.
Jacinda Ardern knows all about them.
She has probably mentioned me to you. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you want my opinion on New Zealand affairs. The days are long and I don't have a lot on my plate. I expect it's much the same for Jacinda Ardern.
FRIDAY
Dear Messrs Seymour, Luxon, and Peters
My name is Albert K. Barume, the United Nations' Special Rapporteur on the rights of indigenous peoples. I wish to amend my remarks concerning the Regulatory Standards Bill.
I had previously remarked, 'I am preoccupied that the bill threatens Māori-specific laws that address structural inequalities in matters relating to, for example, land, language and environmental stewardship, and because it seems to impose a monocultural legal standard, marginalising Māori as legal subjects without respecting their own governance frameworks'.
I wish to amend the letter. Strike 'seems to'.