How 'high warmth' parenting works as shouting found to damage children's brains

Yahoo

30-04-2025

The Easter holidays are over for another year, and many parents may be breathing a sigh of relief at no longer having to juggle work and childcare. School breaks can be a pressure cooker for family tensions, and it's not uncommon for parents to resort to shouting when children act out and misbehave.
But while raising your voice might feel effective in the moment, new research suggests it could have lasting effects on children's wellbeing. Brain scans from University College London reveal that regular exposure to shouting can 'reshape' developing brains, increasing the risk of poor mental health later in life.
These findings were recently presented to MPs in Westminster by a panel of child development experts, in an event organised by the charity Words Matter.
The researchers warned that children subjected to verbal aggression may also struggle to experience joy and build healthy friendships, especially if they're shouted at on a regular basis.
In the UK, shouting is a common behaviour in many households, with two in five children experiencing verbal abuse, and over half of kids exposed to it weekly.
Shouting can range from raised voices to more extreme scolding, threatening and insulting from parents. The World Health Organization classifies the latter as emotional abuse, categorising it as a key form of violence against young people.
Experts have previously warned that regular shouting can have long-term effects on kids, increasing the risk of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, sleep problems, addiction and self-harm.
Studies have even suggested that verbal abuse may be as damaging as physical or sexual abuse, with one 2023 research paper linking shouting at with a greater risk of self-harm, drug use and imprisonment later in life.
If you're a parent, you'll probably familiar with this scenario: your child ignores your last warning not to misbehave, and the next thing you know, you're yelling at the top of your voice.
But parenting coach Olivia Edwards says that disciplining kids in this way rarely works, as it models shouting as a conflict-resolution strategy, and can often escalate small issues into full blown family rows.
"When parents shout, it's usually because they've been triggered into a fight-or-flight state," she notes. "For many, this response is learned from their own childhood experiences, which can lead to default reactions when children misbehave.
"We often revert to what we experienced growing up - how our parents reacted when we misbehaved," she reveals. "That's why the gentle parenting movement is so important, as it encourages us to parent differently from how we were raised, requiring us to rewire old habits."
Edwards says the first step is for parents is to build awareness, recognising when shouting is happening. From here, they can try the following tips to get back on track with calm and effective communication:
Between school runs, homework, cooking and bedtimes routines, parents rarely get the time to rest and reset their nervous system - the body's ability to maintain balance and adapt to stress. In this state, small frictions can easily tip parents into losing their cool.
"We all have triggers, but on the flip side, there are glimmers too - habits or hobbies that can take us out of a fight and flight response and into a relaxed rest and digest state," Edwards note.
Glimmers could be anything from going for a walk in nature, stepping outside for a few restorative breaths or listening to calming music - any activity and ritual that helps you feel calm and in control.
Shouting might feel like the right thing to do in the moment, but it rarely achieves the right result.
'When a parent's old wounds are triggered, they tend to go into a state of needing to shout to gain control. Or they look at punishments, such as threats or removal of privileges," says Edwards.
"But we want to avoid using both of these tactics," she warns, "because it's not really teaching children the value in feeling and moving past their emotions."
Rather than shouting, Edwards encourages what she calls a 'high warmth' parenting style.
"Many parents think gentle parenting means being lenient, but children actually need clear limits," she explains. "Their nervous systems feel safer when they know where the boundaries are, and that you're confident in holding them as their parent."
The goal is to be consistent, but also compassionate. "When a child tests a limit, it's important to hold it while offering understanding," says Edwards.
For example, you might say there won't be ice cream at the park today because they've already had sugary treats. "If they get upset, that's okay," she says. "It's normal for children to have big emotions. and we don't want to shut those down with shouting."
Instead, parents should stay calm and confident. "You can say, 'I know you're disappointed,' while still sticking to the decision."
After setting the boundary and validating their feelings, Edwards advises against getting drawn into negotiation with kids. "Sometimes it helps to gently redirect their energy, shifting the focus to something else to move past the tantrum," she says.
"It's fine to distract or move on, but only after you've acknowledged how they feel, because that's how they build emotional resilience over time."
While calming practices can take the edge off a particularly testing day, parents who find themselves blowing up regularly may need therapy to tackle unhealed wounds, so they can show up for their children without easily getting upset.
"If the root causes of those triggers are inherent feelings like, 'my child isn't listening to me,' 'that felt really disrespectful,' or 'my voice isn't being heard,' a qualified therapist or coach can help you understand the root cause of these emotions," says Edwards.
No parent is perfect, and Edwards says it's important to recognise when things didn't go as planned.
"For example, you might feel annoyed after shouting, but if you say, 'I'm sorry I shouted, but if you'd just listened…' the apology isn't valid, because it's still blaming the child. An effective repair means owning your mistake genuinely and not passing the blame," she says.
"Instead, you might say, 'I'm really sorry I shouted at you earlier. I was angry, and it's okay for me to feel angry, but it's not okay that I let that anger come out as shouting.'
"It's important to frame it this way so that the child understands anger is a natural emotion, but it's how we handle it that counts."
She adds that it's helpful to check in with children's feelings after shouting, as even if the comments weren't aimed directly at them, it can still be unsettling for them to witness.
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