What to say and what to avoid saying to the exams student in your home

Irish Examiner

20-05-2025

Over the next few weeks, 135,000 students will sit the State exams. Others will grapple with school exams. All of which translates to a high degree of household stress with last-minute revision, panicked regrets, and mounting anxiety.
In such circumstances, it is easy for parents to say the wrong thing. We ask five experts about what not to say to young people facing exams.
'It's only your Junior Cert'
Exams are challenging and it is natural for your child to feel anxious.
But saying, 'It's only' this, or, 'It's just' that is not helpful. 'It undermines the natural anxiety they have and makes them feel silly,' says Luke Saunders, teacher and co-founder of revision website Studyclix. But he understands that 'parents are wired to remove challenges from their children'.
'I was rubbish at maths'
'To say, 'I'm bad at this, therefore you should be' is one of the worst things you can say. You're giving them a get-out-of-jail card. It's
deflating and lowers expectations,' says Saunders.
'You'll be fine. You'll fly through it'
It fools nobody and does not address what your child needs, Saunders says. 'The student hears their parents saying 'This isn't going to be challenging'. They think 'We all know it will be, so my parent is lying to me'.
'It's much better for parents to say 'It will be challenging and we're going to do our best to support you'. Removing challenges from our children doesn't help their resilience,' says Saunders.
Luke Saunders, Studyclix co-founder.
'You can't remove the exams. You can only support your child. Exams are challenging and a part of life, a part of growing up. It's about
building resilience. As a parent, you can say, 'I'm here to help'.'
Gemma Lawlor, guidance counsellor at Tyndall College, Carlow, says parents need to tune in to their children. 'Allow them to say what they need to say. Really listen, absorb it for them — you're their cushion.'
Saying 'We know you'll do great' sounds supportive, but can carry a hidden pressure, says Eoin Houlihan, guidance counsellor with the Institute of Guidance Counsellors, who works at Firhouse Educate Together Secondary School, Dublin. 'It suggests failure isn't an option.'
'Don't be nervous'
It feels so natural to say, says Dublin- and London-based counselling psychologist Dr Sheena Kumar. 'But, from a psychological perspective, you're dismissing their feelings. And you're adding pressure to be calm, rather than helping them navigate natural nervous
symptoms.'
She suggests you say 'It's OK to feel nervous — that just means you care' and then support your child while they feel nervous.
Eoin Houlihan, guidance counsellor with the Institute of Guidance Counsellors, who works at Firhouse Educate Together Secondary School, Dublin
Saying 'Don't worry, it's just a few exams' is meant to reassure, but, for the young person, it can feel dismissive and minimise what they're facing, says Houlihan. 'It could make them feel alone in their distress. Better to say 'Talk me through that. What's causing the stress?' Put the question back on them — then you're listening.'
'You're just lazy'
'The word 'lazy' attacks their character rather than addresses the behaviour obstacle,' Houlihan says. 'It's demoralising and might lead them to resent the exam and their parents. Better to say 'What are you finding difficult?''
'If you don't do well, you'll regret it'
'Parents say this because we have hindsight around how important results can be, but we don't want to use fear as a motivator — it doesn't give them intrinsic, lasting motivation,' says Kumar.
The brain responds to positive messages, so Kumar suggests parents say 'No matter what happens, we'll figure this out together'.'
Counselling psychologist Dr Sheena Kumar
Anton O'Mahony, Skibbereen Community School principal and president of the National Association for Principals and Deputy Principals, says focus on the moment. 'Ask 'What can you do today?' Break things down into small chunks. The small bit you learn every day all adds up, even in the last few weeks.'
Lawlor, who runs Reach Guidance, which offers educational and career counselling for young people and their parents, has occasionally fallen into the trap of saying to her child, 'If you don't do well, it'll have a serious impact on your life'.
'I've realised it's better to say 'These exams are giving you the opportunity to demonstrate all the work you've done in the last few years — by showing what you've done, you're going to be rewarded'.'
'Come on, you can do it!'
It counds harmless, even encouraging, but it is not helpful if your child is unmotivated to study, says Kumar.
'What's key for parents is finding out why their child isn't motivated. Is it low self-belief? Are they overwhelmed? Parents could say 'It's OK not to feel motivated — let's figure out small steps together for how you can get started'. Ask 'What is the one thing that would make study easier for you today?''
'Shouldn't you be studying?'
'You're creating an argument immediately: 'There's something you should be doing and you're not',' says O'Mahony. 'Parents' language is important. We say things that can be misinterpreted. It's hard to get it 100% right and we can only do our best, but we really need to encourage our children.
Anton O'Mahony, Skibbereen Community School principal and president of the National Association for Principals and Deputy Principal
'No matter what the question, frame it positively: 'Have you everything you need for your study? Would you a cup of tea before you start?' You're still putting study in their mind, but in a positive way.'
'Your sister studied so hard for her Leaving Cert'
Avoid comparison, says O'Mahony. 'Parents can inadvertently compare. It puts your child in a space where they're not good enough. This isn't a great motivator — straightaway, they're not doing something correctly.'
Focus on the child in front of you —every child is different. Remind them of their own best efforts: 'Do you remember when you worked really hard ahead of your Irish oral and you did great?' 'Focus on the effort: 'You did well today, you got a lot done, what will you do tomorrow?'
'You should have worked in Fifth year.'
'It's not helpful at this stage,' says Lawlor.
'The key thing to do is to ask 'How can I help make it easier for you? Shall I make dinner at this stage, or when would suit you?'
Gemma Lawlor, guidance counsellor
"Let them know you're proud of them, you're here to help, and they are loved.'
'You must have time limits on your phone until after the exams'
'Talk to them about their phone use, but the older they are the less dictatorial this should be,' says Saunders, who believes young people want to do well.
'Help them control their phone use by saying something like 'For the next three weeks, let's see if it would help to change the notification
settings on your most-used apps, so you're not constantly getting alerts' — rather than 'You must do this'.
'Tell me again what you got in maths in the mocks'
Saunders recommends not getting bogged down in pre-exam results. It is dispiriting, but true, he says, that students often don't learn from mistakes they made in the mock exams.
'A geography student runs out of time in the pre-exam and doesn't get the last question started and drops a grade — that same student could make the same error in the Leaving Cert. You have to help them learn from their mistakes.'
Ask your child: 'Based on your mocks in this subject, what did you learn from it that would help you tomorrow?'
'We got the electricity bill and it's shocking'
Lawlor says our job as parents when young people are preparing for exams — and during the exams — is to keep stresses that are not theirs out of their orbit. 'If you're stressed with your partner, or had an awful day at work, don't load your child with worries that aren't theirs. They don't need anything extra — except support, love, calmness.'
'Just study, don't worry about anything else'
Houlihan says this disregards social needs, physical wellbeing, and emotional health.
'That whole balance — including taking breaks — is crucial for effective learning. Some people think 'I'm going to pull back on my sports, my hobbies'. That might work for some, but not always. I didn't give up part-time working when I was doing exams — it's what kept me going.
'Say to your child 'Let's take a break — what would help you recharge?'
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