No more Epstein talk? Donald doth protest too much
MAGA has long been obsessed with Jeffrey Epstein, the convicted sex offender who died in a jail cell while awaiting trial on sex-trafficking charges. His name was Jeffrey Epstein. (Did I say that already?)
Plenty of people in Trump's orbit and in his current Cabinet spent years speculating that Jeffrey Epstein had a client list that would reveal a vast cabal of powerful pedophile elites who flew on Jeffrey Epstein's plane and had sex with underage girls provided by Jeffrey Epstein.
Imagine their surprise when Trump's Department of Justice declared there was no client list and summed up Jeffrey Epstein's death - long suspected by folks in the MAGA-verse as a murder to keep him quiet - like this: "FBI investigators concluded that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York City on August 10, 2019."
Shocking. Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy theorists had their whole raison d'etre wiped out, leaving them wondering if the president himself is part of the Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy.
I, personally, believe no such thing and think everyone should honor Trump's request to stop talking about Jeffrey Epstein.
No Jeffrey Epstein talk, folks.
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Explaining his eagerness to see Jeffrey Epstein's name out of the media, Trump wrote: "We're on one Team, MAGA, and I don't like what's happening. We have a PERFECT Administration, THE TALK OF THE WORLD, and 'selfish people' are trying to hurt it, all over a guy who never dies, Jeffrey Epstein."
Perhaps we'd hear less about Jeffrey Epstein if President Trump stopped bringing up Jeffrey Epstein.
Some might argue Trump doth protest too much about Jeffrey Epstein. But I think the president's aversion to Jeffrey Epstein is in the best interest of the country.
There is, after all, no "team" in Jeffrey Epstein.
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Excellent presidencies like Trump's require a minimal number of scandals, so let's dispatch with the Jeffrey Epstein blah-blah
In fact, I'm prepared to never again mention Jeffrey Epstein unless I absolutely have to. Jeffrey Epstein. (Oops.)
News organizations focused on the Jeffrey Epstein-induced MAGA schism caused by the DOJ effectively ending the Jeffrey Epstein investigation should immediately abide by the president's wishes and drop all Jeffrey Epstein coverage.
Frankly, the repeated commentary on Jeffrey Epstein is making this whole Jeffrey Epstein thing seem much more important than the great things happening in America, none of which involve Jeffrey Epstein.
I hope others will do as I'm doing and wipe Jeffrey Epstein from their memories.
Let Jeffrey Epstein go.
Ending this Jeffrey Epstein obsession will make President Trump feel better, and that definitely has nothing to do with his past involvement with Jeffrey Epstein or photos with Jeffrey Epstein or the possibility that releasing the Jeffrey Epstein files might cause him widespread embarrassment.
So shut up about Jeffrey Epstein, people. Jeffrey Epstein is yesterday's news.
(And definitely don't look at the sentence that the first letter of each paragraph above spells out. That would be conspiratorial.)
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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