I went to see the future of football and all the fans were on their phones

Telegraph

06-05-2025

On New Year's Day 2009 I woke up with a ringing in my ears which has stayed there ever since. Too many teenage nights at the Brixton Academy, London Astoria and Kentish Town Forum. Too much drumming in doomed attempts to reach those venues myself (full battle of the bands record: P:3 L:3). Too much DJing with recklessly loud headphones fighting over recklessly loud booth monitors.
That's what did it on 31 December 2008. I flew too close to the sun in my pursuit of a crowd-pleasing mix of post-punk, electropop and US Indie; a lifetime of tinnitus was the punishment. So every subsequent large public event holds the question: is it worth it? Should I experience it at full volume and accept further hearing damage or put up with vibe-killing earplugs?
Baller League at the Copper Box Arena on Monday was not a night to take any risks. This is the new six-a-side football tournament with teams of influencers and little-known ex-pros.
Celebrity managers include Ian Wright, Gary Lineker, the rapper Dave, Luis Figo and Chloe Kelly. My earplugs are in my pocket, ready for an onslaught of chart house played at jumbo-jet decibel levels. They remain in my pocket. In fact it is the quietest sporting event I have attended since watching archery at the Olympics.
The crowd is clean people in muted colours dotted with classy overseas football shirts. Teenagers in the queue, some with hickeys, compare trainers. Inside a family are delighted with their selfie with Angryginge, a Twitch streamer and YouTuber who manages title-challenging Yanited.
Some primary school kids are disappointed that league president KSI is not in the building. There is an inescapable, acrid smell of cinema-grade nachos.
On YouTube, the Baller League's numbers are already in the range of now-ancient success stories like Hashtag United, although some way short of the phenomenally popular Sidemen collective. Miniminter, AKA Simon Minter, is a member and regularly receives millions of views on his own.
The Baller League's most popular video at the time of writing has 285,000 views. Of course Minter is here tonight in his capacity as manager of M7FC and posts plenty of Baller League videos on his own enormous channel. Such cross-promotion is a failsafe route to eyeballs.
M7 face the 26ers in the night's first match which pits Minter against 26ers manager John Terry. He emerges onto the astroturf wearing a tight smile that suggests he had expected to be leading a better-supported team out on a grander stage at this point in his managerial career. The Copper Box's capacity is around 6,000 and the Baller League TikTok claims it is sold out but every row in the arena has at least one empty seat.
The standard is like the top division of a particularly strong Power League. Passing, shooting and control is frequently ropey, well short of National League level. A lot of players behave like the most talented boy in the park who looks unstoppable until a team figures out how to pass around him.
There is flashy footwork galore, regardless of pitch position or need. It is like watching the early months of Cristiano Ronaldo at Man Utd, a lot of humiliated defenders but little end-product. Goals and tricks are greeted with the same noise: more a leery 'phwoar' than the orgasmic release of traditional football.
It is as much about the manager's reactions as the on-pitch fare. Three blokes in high-vis vests snap away at Miniminter and Terry with smartphones as they remonstrate with celebrity ref Mark Clattenburg.
Emmanuel Rowe scores for the 26ers with the first moment of quality, poses towards the VIP seats then 'shushes' the camera. The great innovation is the 'game-changer' a rule selected, ostensibly at random – although every team seems well-prepared – and applied for the final two minutes of each half. These range from every foul leading to a red card to long-range shots counting double.
All of this is watched with detached half-interest. Most eyes are on the pitch for kick-off and the opening minutes but by the end of each half you can see an arena gradually becoming distracted by their lovely phones.
The usual rabble-rousing failsafes die. A T-shirt cannon lacks the oomph to reach the second tier, big-screen exhortations to 'Make Some Noise' are ignored.
I am at the concessions stand buying a £2.50 can of water when the next game kicks off. When the pre-match music cuts it sounds like the crowd is observing a minute's silence for some tragic fallen streamer who has gone to Twitch heaven. Not so, just a duff game between Trebol and N5.
The vibe is understated authenticity
Mentioning the quietness is not to be (more) sniffy but to emphasise something which I think is important in understanding the future of sport. We have moved past the era of fireworks and building every event up with Michael Buffer impersonators; the vibe now is understated authenticity.
Baller League is expertly pitched in that savvy YouTube middle-ground, neither too self-effacing nor self-aggrandising. The ad hoardings around the pitch say 'a new era for football,' which requires everyone involved to believe they are telling the truth. If enough influencers with enough combined subscribers say it too then the veracity is irrelevant.
The night picks up significantly for SDS vs Yanited, a far higher standard of game between two teams who have figured out how to play the format properly. At 0-0 there is an amazing save at one end, a tight turn and neat finish at the other to open the scoring. It feels proper. Then a few minutes later breakout star PK Humble does his trademark celebration dance while in possession of the ball and the spell is broken.
Then a heavy challenge on the sideline leads to a bench-clearing scrap. Every player is involved, along with various entourages emerging from all corners of the arena.
Three players are sent off and although the ugly incident shames the fine name of Yanited FC (established 2025, it says on their emblem) you cannot deny it makes for great YouTube. It is 2-2 in the end but content is the real winner.
By the time Tammy Abraham's brother Timmy scores for MVPS United in the night's final game the crowd has dropped to Covid levels. No problem, the goal is being shown hourly on Sky Sports News the following morning.
Baller League gets a lot right. There is a manager-challenge system for video reviews with checks that are quick and largely scornful. The tickets are wonderfully cheap, at £17.95 for six hours and seven games.
We must salute what is new too. Streamers unknown to me are walking around concourses to the obvious and heart-warming delight of kids. All the interactions I see are friendly and unpretentious. This is such a positive change: accessible heroes who won't tell you to eff off for asking for an autograph.
The format boosts the parts of football that these young people seem to enjoy most, individual battles and getting past opponents, 'tekkers', and celebrations like Fortnite emotes. All the same stuff loved by JS Lowry.
There is though the dispiriting sense that all of this is saleable regardless of quality. Clearly, the level of players is average at best but with so many recognisable – to its intended audience at least – names, that hardly matters. Package it up in algorithmically-pleasing style, pump it out across as many platforms as possible, make it an inescapable part of the landscape, then profit. You cannot write it off. But if this is the future it is off to a quiet start.