I still wake up in the night panicking I haven't given Derek his meds – stress of caring for him left me needing surgery

The Sun

2 days ago

CARING for someone you love is a tough, relentless and, very often, such a lonely task.
But it is also a privilege that all carers embrace.
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Looking after my husband Derek — who died in January 2024 aged 56, four years after being left seriously ill from Covid — was one of the greatest honours of my life and I wish I was still doing it today.
The children and I were so grateful he had survived despite the terrible damage the virus had done to him, and that with the help of doctors, nurses and professional carers we had the chance to give him the best life possible.
Being a carer, its joys and its responsibilities, stays with you even after you have lost the person.
I still wake up in the middle of the night panicking that I haven't given him his medicine, or that I have forgotten to move him every hour to prevent the painful contractions in his limbs.
The next second I realise he no longer needs that care. There is a moment of relief — that I did not let him down — before a tsunami of sadness hits.
Caring takes over your whole life. You don't begrudge it, but you suffer because of it.
A report by non-profit organisation Carers UK this week reveals that 58 per cent of carers struggle to look after their own health.
Four in ten have cancelled medical appointments to prioritise the person they look after and 1.2million live in poverty, including 400,000 in deep poverty.
Almost half of adults who have looked after a loved one have physical or mental problems as a result, with seven in ten living with long-term conditions afterwards.
That works out as 10.7million people whose lives have been turned upside down and left with serious health problems.
I was one of the lucky ones, with hugely caring family and friends and supportive employers, but the harsh reality is that my own health still suffered.
One day in November 2022, I was heading to Good Morning Britain when I woke up with searing chest pain.
I could barely move, but I forced myself into the car. On the way in, I threw up.
By the time I arrived at the studio, something was clearly wrong. Dr Hilary told the producers to call an ambulance.
Instead of going on air, I was in hospital, wired to machines, with doctors fearing a heart attack.
Thankfully, it was not. It was what they described as a 'heart event'.
The stress of fighting for Derek to get the support he needed along with the physical demands of being a primary carer 24 hours a day was such a strain that my body was feeling the effect.
And there were other signs too. Missed appointments. No time to rest. My autoimmune thyroid condition — neglected during Derek's illness — has now worsened significantly. Surgery now looks likely. It could have been avoided.
During a three-week gap in care, while the system tried to work out which agency should give Derek the life-saving care he needed, I had no choice but to try to get through looking after Derek 24/7 completely alone.
How could the only answer be to abandon someone who couldn't move, couldn't safely be left alone — but was fully aware and trusted me — to God knows what, just to have a cry for help answered?
By the end I was so sleep-deprived I was scared it was no longer safe — for me, for the children, let alone for Derek.
In desperation I called health services again and this time refused to get off the phone until some answer was given.
In the end, the person on the other end of the phone, who was also clearly exhausted, told me, 'There is nothing I can do but — and this isn't official — you are not alone and what I always say to people is take him to A&E and leave him there, then they legally have to do something.'
I knew she meant well but how could we have come to this?
How could the only answer be to abandon someone who couldn't move, couldn't safely be left alone — but was fully aware and trusted me — to God knows what, just to have a cry for help answered?
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PLEASE HELP HELPERS
By Grace Macaskill
MILLIONS of people throughout the country are struggling under the weight of looking after loved ones.
According to a new survey, almost half of carers have seen a decline in their own mental and physical health.
Research by Carers UK also found that four in ten current or former carers – equivalent to 10.7million people – put the health of disabled, older or sick relatives before their own.
This leads them to skip medical appointments, tests, scans or therapy because they are unable to get someone to look after the person they are caring for.
Carers are also more likely to suffer health problems, with 70 per cent dealing with issues compared to 59 per cent of the general population, according to last year's GP Patient survey in England.
Helen Walker, chief executive of Carers UK, said: 'Sadly, caring for someone often comes at a personal cost and carers still face significant inequalities. If you are caring for someone it's likely that you will experience poorer health, financial strain, challenges accessing employment and education opportunities and be at greater risk of loneliness and isolation.
'It can be a negative cycle for many carers who experience worsening physical or mental health and are unable to take a break to look after themselves.
'The impact of this can be long- lasting, but we know that change is possible – from the Government investing more in support for unpaid carers and the NHS having clear measures of help for carers, to rights at work and support within education.'
I didn't take him, I just couldn't, physically or morally.
Final straw
I got through another day somehow until a family member took time off their work to come — and we got through.
But others are not so lucky. And they are simply breaking and fearing even worse is to come.
I have more friends than ever taking on caring roles. And my own mum is now caring full-time for my dad following a stroke, and they are both in their eighties.
There are millions out there in far worse situations than I found myself in.
Carers UK has raised serious concerns about the Government's proposed welfare changes, particularly reforms to Personal Independence Payment.
If eligibility becomes stricter, many carers could lose vital financial support and their Carer's Allowance.
These changes could affect up to 150,000 carers, with losses of more than £8,000 a year per household. For many, barely surviving, that would be the final straw.
Carers are the backbone of this country — but are being broken under the weight.
They are doing the work of a second NHS. Silently. Without pay. Without recognition.
Every day, 12,000 more people become unpaid carers. And every day, 600 workers leave their jobs to care full-time.
Britain depends on an army of unpaid carers who save the country £184billion a year — more than the entire NHS budget.
But who is caring for them?
This week is Carers Week and, just as the Chancellor prepares to give her spending review today, investment in the sector is at an all-time low. So my message to Rachel Reeves is: Please do not forget the carers.
Put them at the heart of your plans. Invest in their health, give them real support and recognise the vital role they play.
When you support carers, you take pressure off the NHS, you keep people out of hospital and you help get them home — where they want to be, where they belong.
Carers are not asking for praise. They love what they do.
They are just asking not to be forgotten. Not now, not again, and not when they are holding up the very fabric of our country with their bare hands.
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'SERVICES TERRIBLY LACKING'
MUM-OF-TWO Suzanne Buckner works round the clock caring for THREE members of her family.
Her 18-year-old daughter Lottie is deaf and has diabetes and tumours in her liver, her son Freddie, 24, has autism and a personality disorder, and husband Mark, 63, suffers from clinical depression.
Educational consultant Suzanne, 58, of Three Mile Cross, Berks, says: 'Things can get overwhelming at times.
'Lottie needs more traditional nursing like injections and medicines, while Freddie could be trashing the house having a meltdown and Mark could be non-verbal because he's depressed. Yet there's so little help out there.
'Lottie should have got help from social services as a child but wasn't given any.
"She's been so isolated. Freddie gets an access-to-work grant for his job as a mechanic but we have to apply for that every month. It used to be online but now it all has to be done by post.
'When he was at school, they couldn't cope with his issues and I had to set up my own school.
'Mark has been sectioned twice and had CBT treatment but the mental health services are terribly lacking.
'I can go from special educational needs to mental health caring to nursing all in one day. Some weeks are just exhausting.'