Cupid's caveat: What happens when a great love meets an insurmountable challenge?

Hindustan Times

28-06-2025

Two people in love deserve to be together. Most of us believe that. To give up a love that works — in every way except logistically — is an excruciating thing. Above, a still from Wong Kar-Wai's tragic In the Mood for Love (2000)
It is a belief reinforced by lived experience, by movies, songs and fairy tales.
Love conquers all, we say; even though we know deep down that isn't true.
I believe there's a reason we evolved this lie: it soothes some of our deepest fears. A lot may go wrong in this life, but someone out there will still love us. It helps us to think that, in the end, that might be all that matters.
The problem is, some people buy into this idea so completely, they can lose years before they realise that even the truest love can be derailed by something as simple as logistics.
I am currently working with two such sets of clients. One is a couple in their mid-30s, let's call them Kritika and Neil. The two doctors met six years ago, at work. Their long hours, sometimes languid and sometimes intense, led to friendship, which blossomed into love.
They faced none of the usual barriers. Their love was true. They were committed and faithful. Both families welcomed the other into their lives.
The problems began a few years in, when Kritika kept putting off a formal engagement. For five years, she has cited one career milestone after another, Neil says: a residency position, the completion of residency, advanced accreditation.
He was content to wait, since they were both committed to marrying someday. A year ago, he finally gave up. He was now at the age where he risked sacrificing the life and family he wanted. Kritika, for her part, said she still wasn't ready to put the rest of her life on hold to meet these goals.
They are now trying to work out whether there is a future for them. Both worry they won't find a love like theirs again. Yet Neil says he wishes he had advocated for himself sooner. Whatever they do now, at least one of them stands to lose.
Elsewhere, a 45-year-old woman, let's call her Shirley, is trying to figure out how to build a life with the 47-year-old she believes is her soulmate. She and Sid were college sweethearts who went their separate ways but never really got over each other.
They were both in reasonably pleasant marriages that ended in divorce about five years ago. They then reconnected at a college reunion. It turned out they had both spent years wondering what might have been. When they realised they could be together again, they were elated.
Except, they aren't really back together. They live in different parts of the country and only manage to see each other about once a month. Shirley is willing to move to the city where Sid and his children live, but he is concerned this will devastate her career (she works in manufacturing) and has been discouraging her from giving up the job she loves. She is wounded and confused. She sees how much he loves her; how can he then be content with the arrangement they currently have?
It hurts me each time I have to say it, but eventually I find myself explaining that some equations simply don't add up.
What often follows is the heartbreaking question: How am I supposed to give this up, when I know I won't find anything like it again?
There isn't an answer to that. To give up a love that works — in every way except logistically — is an excruciating thing to do.
I try to remind my clients that the choice isn't really between this love and a lesser one. It is between this love and a life that actually works.
Building a life with the person you love is certainly the goal. But if it isn't the life you want, does it still count?
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on [e-mail])