Tyranny of yearning male validation
'I will not be able to sleep until I know where I am on it,' Shona said, referring to a 'likeability code' that a few boys had designed to slot every girl in their class. 'Where do I fit and how likeable do boys think I am?' was the hot topic among the grade VII girls in the school. I have to admit that earlier in the conversation, I had listened to her with incredulity, which slowly dissipated as I sensed her distress. It was important for me to acknowledge the pain before I attempted to deconstruct generations of patriarchy.
Fifteen-year-old Diya blames herself. 'If only I had been thinner, prettier, it would not have happened,' she said, after her boyfriend cheated on her. Seventeen-year-old Chitra is dismayed at how she let her boyfriend 'pressurise me to do things I was not okay with, but could not say no to. If I make a big deal of it, he will just call me a psycho, ghost me and slut-shame me in school.' And in all these conversations, what keeps coming up is the phrase 'seeking male validation.' So rather than brushing this as a Gen Z slang, I became curious. The young generation has a way of coming up with terms that hit the nail on the head at times. These conversations define the cultural moment we are currently finding ourselves in.
Patriarchy is a shape-shifting beast. It morphs stealthily into the cultural context it finds itself. Nineteen-year-old Zoya told me how 'yearning male validation' was making her question if she was pretty enough. Her body slumped, eyes fastened on her clenched hands; she was struggling to find words to express her pain. Her phone pinged and suddenly her face lit up. There was a big smile on her face. It was like a bulb being switched on in a dark room. 'Male validation?' I asked her, and she smiled while rolling her eyes. 'A boy I met on Bumble messaged me. It is so ridiculous, but it's like I get a high. I feel so happy and confident every time I get a message from him,' she said.
I have also been very curious about dating apps. I am sure many have found love and romance through them but their politics is questionable. They are pitched as being sexually empowering for women. But in Zoya's words, 'Men come to window shop on these apps and women are on display. We are not the users, we are the products.' These dating apps perpetuate the validation economy where men are given the options to 'pick and choose the right product'. 'They have the playing field, and girls are being played.' Add to it the growing misogyny radicalising young men on the internet and we are left with quite an untamed beast that is being weaponised against women.
The injustice of it lingers and finds its way into my writing. That's how I make sense of this world. How is it that despite decades of feminism, our girls are still outsourcing their worth by where they fit in the metric of 'likeability' by males? And how the economics of diet, fitness, beauty industries, along with tech giants, are making young women more vulnerable to internalising this ridiculous notion. They are rewarded for every attempt they make to please men. Be smaller, take less space, stay silent, be pretty, be nice, be soft, be demure, be modest. Stay within the lines drawn out.
It is interesting to see that sexuality does not make us immune to it. 'Women seek male validation, men seek male validation and maybe even queer folk seek male validation,' explained Zoya and it made perfect sense. Patriarchy does not spare anyone.
It delights me that it is young women who are unpacking the notion of 'seeking male validation' and realising that something is off here. It is rancid and has gone way beyond the expiry date. In our conversations, some of the themes have emerged that could be starting points to help us find our way out of this smelly situation.
How can girls identify and name the problem when it shows up? When I asked this question, I got a range of responses that underlined how important it is to stay curious: 'I ask myself why am I checking my phone repeatedly? Am I addicted to the dopamine kick that will end up hurting me later?' 'Am I making myself small, soft, sweet to be more desirable to men?' 'Am I okay with what is being said, or done here?' 'Am I holding myself back from speaking up as I know the approval will be withdrawn?' 'Where am I investing my attention, and am I letting it take over my life?' 'Am I waiting to be chosen or am I ready to choose?'
Equally important is bringing up our boys to examine their privilege and the 'boy code' that makes them feel entitled. They cannot be complicit in using patriarchy as a leash to make girls perform tricks.
It is interesting to note that across the world, the use of dating apps among women has dropped significantly compared to men. They are calling it what it is — economic exploitation in the garb of sexual liberation. I am also meeting more and more girls who are opting out of social media or prefer to use it intentionally.
As Diya said, 'I am not okay being seen as a thirst trap.' To consume less and create more. To be doers rather than lookers. Chitra's commitment to 'Go big and go loud' is a heart-warming act of resistance. To speak up, question, take space.
To refuse to let the 'likeability code' divide us. When we move beyond that tyranny, we find friendships and platonic love. Where all genders can come together for collective care.
Acknowledgement to Anya Sen for keeping this column relevant.
Composite stories and pseudonyms are used to maintain confidentiality.
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The Hindu
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