My sister gets into toxic fights with my mother. How can I help?
I'm a 40-year-old man and worried about my family. Since my sister (in her late 30s) became pregnant with her first child four years ago, there hasn't been a period longer than a week without her and my mother getting into toxic fights.
A couple of days ago, after my sister had resorted (yet again) to calling our mother names, she also ended up grabbing her by the throat.
My father, who passed away a year ago, had been involved in this huge tension, but his longstanding health issues had 'shielded' him from being the target of her more severe outbursts.
I'm worried for my sister's wellbeing, since she's fundamentally loving but becomes an entirely different and hatefully aggressive person when she's outraged (her relationship with her partner is more or less the same, minus the physical violence). She has been going to therapy, but I doubt the extent to which this has worked.
I'm also worried for my mother, who has to go through simultaneously being cancelled in her main role in life (as a mother), while functioning as a 24/7 nanny to her grandchildren. And I'm worried about myself: I know it's 'not my problem', but I find it hard to see how my mother being grabbed by the throat is something I could 'put into perspective'.
I think I've tried my best in reasoning with my sister, but talking to her is like walking through a minefield, and she ends up attacking me as well.
I went to BACP accredited psychotherapist Armele Philpotts, and we both asked the same initial question: was your sister like this before or did pregnancy trigger something in her?
'Is this behaviour that she might have witnessed or demonstrated in other ways before her first pregnancy?' Philpotts asked. 'If not, she may benefit from some specialised perinatal mental health support, which is available through the NHS in the UK.' (We're not sure where you live.) If your sister was not like this before, there might be a medical reason behind her behaviour, even if it has been four years since she had her first child.
But, as Philpotts said: 'The behaviour is clearly not acceptable whatever the reason behind it. Your mum is grieving your dad (as are you and, presumably, your sister, too) and you said that she provides 24/7 childcare and is experiencing something I would describe as child-to-parent abuse (CPA).
'I'm so sorry she's experiencing this, which from what you wrote sounds verbally, emotionally and now physically abusive. If she lives in the UK, she may be able to seek support through her GP, and there is also an organisation (pegsupport.co.uk) that offers support specifically aimed at people experiencing this kind of behaviour from their child.
'This is an area that is being examined by our government at present, with an open consultation on CPA in progress.'
Your mum could report this to the police – trying to strangle someone is a criminal offence, but I appreciate she may not want to do this where her daughter is concerned. Still, it may focus her and your sister as to the gravity of the situation.
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Philpotts suggested you might want to make a note each time this behaviour happens, 'so that everyone can be made aware there's an ongoing pattern'.
She added: 'You mentioned your mother being a 24/7 nanny. Does she live with your sister or have her own domestic space where she can rest and recuperate? Could some space be created for your mum away from your sister?'
She was also concerned about the children. 'Could your sister become 'outraged' by them at some point? Are they currently witnessing her behaviour towards her partner? If so, who will protect them?' Nothing in your letter signified concern for the children, but this is an area of real worry given the levels of abuse and physical violence you have mentioned. Are you able to talk to her partner (presumably their dad?) and establish how safe they are? I wonder if this is why your mother is a '24/7' nanny and so present, because she is worried about the children?
This is a very worrying situation, for all of you. Especially given that there seems to be no time at all when you feel able to talk to your sister and tell her your concerns or get her help. At times like this I always advise making sure the safety of the most vulnerable is attended to first: here, your mum and your sister's children.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here.
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