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Metro
2 days ago
- General
- Metro
Red flag that a dwindling friendship is 'dead' and it's time to move on
It's often said that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Working out which category your pals fall into can be tricky, and just the thought of admitting your friend isn't meant to be part of your life for the long-haul can be devastating. Relationships might dwindle as friends move away, get married, or start families. Weekly catch ups become few and far between, and getting a text back can feel like more of an accomplishment than winning a Nobel Prize. So how do you work out when it's time to pronounce a friendship as well and truly dead? Metro asked an expert from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) for their thoughts — and they shared the one key sign it's time to give up and move on. Counsellor Suzanne Cowie claims every friendship differs based on the expectations and needs of the individuals involved — but we should ensure we're fairly managing our own expectations of others, especially if we don't see them regularly. 'Are they being distant or are they just busy?' Suzanne asks. 'Not everyone loves texting or calling every day and it can take time to understand that sometimes when a friend doesn't return a call, it isn't that they are ignoring you, they are simply overwhelmed. 'Ask yourself when a friend doesn't call back instantly: why am I assuming the worst? Sometimes negative thought patterns make us believe situations are happening that are in fact only in our head.' So not getting a text back might not be the end of the world, but there is one worrying behaviour she warns you should keep an eye out for – as it could be a sign the friendship is on its last legs. 'Friendships, like any relationship, require time and effort to thrive. If you feel that a friend is only ever concerned with their own life and never curious about yours, that is a red flag,' Suzanne explains. The expert clarifies that a 'good' friendship should 'lift you up, make you feel supported, validated and heard. A great friendship is someone who values you and isn't afraid to be honest with you'. You have two options. You can either let go and allow the friendship to run its course, or you can reach out to see if you can resolve the issue. Suzanne advises: 'Be honest about how you are feeling; explain that you feel the friendship has drifted. There may be valid circumstances for why your friend has been elusive. 'Try to always explain your feelings rather than blaming your friend, so in texts write 'I feel' rather than 'you've done xyz'. Blaming someone or calling out all what you consider their failings will only make them defensive. Be as congruent and clear as possible. It's ok to be honest about your hurt and confusion. If your friend really wants to save the friendship they will respond and want to resolve your issues; if they don't then at least you know where you stand.' As an example, if you feel you are always the one initiating contact and meet ups with a friend and you're fed up of it, she suggests sending a message along the lines of: 'I have tried reaching out to you in order to catch up but there never seems to be time. I feel disappointed that we haven't met up and I miss you. I want to sustain our friendship and wondered if we could talk about this? Could you let me know if you want to? Take care.' If you reach out and things don't turn out the way you hoped, Suzanne urges you to make peace with the other person's choice to end the friendship. 'We can't control what other people do, only our reactions to their actions,' she says. But getting over a friendship, especially one that has spanned years, can take a long time as you'll be grieving the loss. As part of this, you might find yourself going through the various different stages of grief, such as anger, denial, shock and sadness. 'Allow yourself to feel how you are feeling and remember that in letting go of a friendship that wasn't serving us, we are making space in our lives for friendships that we deserve.' While you might lose a few friends along the way, the good news is that you are never too old to make new ones. Suzanne recommends getting out there and joining a club, the gym or finding some kind of hobby that allows you to meet new people. 'If you repeatedly see the same people in a group setting don't be afraid to strike up conversation. Repeated conversations mean it is that bit easier to then broach meeting up outside the class for a coffee,' she says. More Trending The same applies to co-workers, neighbours and friends of friends, the more social situations you put yourself in, the more opportunity you have to make connections. But none of it will make any difference if you're not being approachable. 'As daunting as it sounds, being relaxed, smiling and asking engaging questions will always draw people to you,' adds the expert. And once you've arranged a successful meet up with a new pal, be sure to check in with them afterwards and arrange a future meet up as consistency is the biggest factor in keeping a friendship alive. Do you have a story to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@ MORE: My boyfriend suggested a trip – I had to reveal my secret shame MORE: Devastated and broken, I headed to the Himalayas to heal my heartbreak MORE: I ran a sexy chat line while pregnant, it was hideously depressing Your free newsletter guide to the best London has on offer, from drinks deals to restaurant reviews.
Scotsman
15-05-2025
- Health
- Scotsman
‘I didn't know where to start': a quarter of adults in Scotland lost in the mental health crisis
A new mental health study released for Mental Health Awareness Week has exposed the grim reality facing people in Scotland revealing that thousands are struggling to access the care they need, with many left confused, disillusioned, or prescribed antidepressants instead of being offered therapeutic support. Sign up to our daily newsletter – Regular news stories and round-ups from around Scotland direct to your inbox Sign up Thank you for signing up! Did you know with a Digital Subscription to The Scotsman, you can get unlimited access to the website including our premium content, as well as benefiting from fewer ads, loyalty rewards and much more. Learn More Sorry, there seem to be some issues. Please try again later. Submitting... undefined The research, commissioned by mental health platform Finbogo, found that over 1 in 3 people have sought mental health support in the past five years. However, a worrying 51% admitted they didn't know where to start, and over 1 in 3 (39%) said the NHS support they received did not meet their needs. With 41% of people saying it was difficult to access mental health support through the NHS and 57% citing long waiting times as a major barrier, the strain on the public healthcare system is becoming too much for many to bear. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Henry Anderson, Finbogo 'This is a silent crisis, and Scotland is not immune,' says Henry Anderson, co-founder of Finbogo. "Too many people in Scotland are being left in limbo, either waiting months for help or being handed medication instead of real, personalised support. That's why we built Finbogo — to connect people directly with therapists they can trust.' One of those therapists is Mahin Hamidi, a British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) member. She calls on Scotlands' residents to stop suffering in silence and seek professional help — the right kind of help — without delay. 'I've seen so many people in Scotland stuck in long NHS queues or simply given antidepressants as a quick fix,' says Hamidi, founder of private practice Hamidi Healing. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Mahin Hamidi, a British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) member Therapy is not one-size-fits-all. The first step is finding a therapist who truly understands your needs.' Hamidi, who also volunteers at a local mental health charity and has supported clients with trauma, grief, neurodiversity, addiction, anxiety, and abuse, says many people still don't realise there are accessible, affordable routes into private therapy — and urges them not to wait until they reach breaking point. "You wouldn't ignore a physical health issue, and mental health is no different. Whether you're facing loss, burnout, or deeper trauma, the right therapist can change your life. But you have to take that first step.' The research also shows a clear shift in public confidence in NHS mental health services: only 18% of people would choose NHS care over private therapy if cost wasn't an issue, and 28% say they find it frustrating and confusing to choose a therapist. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Therapist with client in clinic 'Finbogo is here to support the NHS, not compete with it,' adds Anderson.
Yahoo
07-05-2025
- Politics
- Yahoo
Feel Numb About The News? Here's How To Defeat 'Outrage Fatigue'
Feel Numb About The News? Here's How To Defeat 'Outrage Fatigue' Nigel Farage via Associated Press After Reform's 'surprise' (or perhaps not-so-surprise) electoral wins last week, it seems Brits are increasingly convinced that Nigel Farage could become our next prime minister. But not all those people might be fans of the man. Some may simply be experiencing what Scientific American calls 'outrage fatigue' – the feeling of 'at this point, why not?' you might get when constantly reading negative news. The feeling can make you feel disengaged and disempowered, and leave you wondering what the point of trying to rebel against what feels like an inevitably terrible world is, meaning you're less likely to remain politically active. ADVERTISEMENT So, we spoke to psychologists about how to prevent, or at least lessen, 'outrage fatigue' – and what to do to stay politically engaged despite it (after all, using your civil rights is important in controlling our shared future). The reaction makes sense Speaking to HuffPost UK, Dr Mosun, a consultant psychiatrist at Cassiobury Court, said that what some describe as 'outrage fatigue' is actually 'a form of emotional burnout'. 'When we are exposed to repeated stressors – political upheaval, social injustices, or perceived setbacks – without sufficient resolution or rest, our emotional responses can essentially begin to dull,' she said. 'It's the mind's way of conserving energy when it feels that outrage no longer leads to meaningful change.' Susie Masterson, a BACP registered trauma-informed therapist, agrees. ADVERTISEMENT 'Like compassion fatigue, outrage fatigue is a common presenting issue in therapy,' she told us. 'When we are overwhelmed, we rely on our defence mechanisms to keep functioning. These include: compartmentalisation, dissociation, minimising, and splitting. Defence mechanisms can be really useful, however, if we rely too much on them, we can start to disengage from what matters to us.' What can I do to beat outrage fatigue? 'The danger is that this emotional numbing can lead to apathy, so to prevent this, it's important to pace yourself,' Dr Mosun advised. 'You can do this by limiting doom-scrolling, staying socially connected, and taking meaningful action in small ways. Even small acts of agency, like having informed conversations or voting, help counter that feeling of helplessness.' BACP-certified therapist Lorraine Collins added: 'Hope is such a crucial tool in navigating these feelings. It doesn't mean ignoring the challenges we face; it's about discovering light and purpose in everyday actions.' ADVERTISEMENT She added that when we feel too small to create change, it's important to reconnect with our values and beliefs. 'Reflect on why these issues matter to you and find modest, meaningful actions that align with those values,' she added. 'It could be volunteering, engaging in thoughtful conversations with friends, or simply staying informed and mindful.' And don't forget, it's OK to check out sometimes, too. As Dr Mosun puts it: 'We must give ourselves permission to rest. Outrage is not a sustainable state. Instead, we need to anchor ourselves in hope, community, and realism.' Related...
The Guardian
18-04-2025
- Health
- The Guardian
My sister gets into toxic fights with my mother. How can I help?
I'm a 40-year-old man and worried about my family. Since my sister (in her late 30s) became pregnant with her first child four years ago, there hasn't been a period longer than a week without her and my mother getting into toxic fights. A couple of days ago, after my sister had resorted (yet again) to calling our mother names, she also ended up grabbing her by the throat. My father, who passed away a year ago, had been involved in this huge tension, but his longstanding health issues had 'shielded' him from being the target of her more severe outbursts. I'm worried for my sister's wellbeing, since she's fundamentally loving but becomes an entirely different and hatefully aggressive person when she's outraged (her relationship with her partner is more or less the same, minus the physical violence). She has been going to therapy, but I doubt the extent to which this has worked. I'm also worried for my mother, who has to go through simultaneously being cancelled in her main role in life (as a mother), while functioning as a 24/7 nanny to her grandchildren. And I'm worried about myself: I know it's 'not my problem', but I find it hard to see how my mother being grabbed by the throat is something I could 'put into perspective'. I think I've tried my best in reasoning with my sister, but talking to her is like walking through a minefield, and she ends up attacking me as well. I went to BACP accredited psychotherapist Armele Philpotts, and we both asked the same initial question: was your sister like this before or did pregnancy trigger something in her? 'Is this behaviour that she might have witnessed or demonstrated in other ways before her first pregnancy?' Philpotts asked. 'If not, she may benefit from some specialised perinatal mental health support, which is available through the NHS in the UK.' (We're not sure where you live.) If your sister was not like this before, there might be a medical reason behind her behaviour, even if it has been four years since she had her first child. But, as Philpotts said: 'The behaviour is clearly not acceptable whatever the reason behind it. Your mum is grieving your dad (as are you and, presumably, your sister, too) and you said that she provides 24/7 childcare and is experiencing something I would describe as child-to-parent abuse (CPA). 'I'm so sorry she's experiencing this, which from what you wrote sounds verbally, emotionally and now physically abusive. If she lives in the UK, she may be able to seek support through her GP, and there is also an organisation ( that offers support specifically aimed at people experiencing this kind of behaviour from their child. 'This is an area that is being examined by our government at present, with an open consultation on CPA in progress.' Your mum could report this to the police – trying to strangle someone is a criminal offence, but I appreciate she may not want to do this where her daughter is concerned. Still, it may focus her and your sister as to the gravity of the situation. Sign up to Inside Saturday The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend. after newsletter promotion Philpotts suggested you might want to make a note each time this behaviour happens, 'so that everyone can be made aware there's an ongoing pattern'. She added: 'You mentioned your mother being a 24/7 nanny. Does she live with your sister or have her own domestic space where she can rest and recuperate? Could some space be created for your mum away from your sister?' She was also concerned about the children. 'Could your sister become 'outraged' by them at some point? Are they currently witnessing her behaviour towards her partner? If so, who will protect them?' Nothing in your letter signified concern for the children, but this is an area of real worry given the levels of abuse and physical violence you have mentioned. Are you able to talk to her partner (presumably their dad?) and establish how safe they are? I wonder if this is why your mother is a '24/7' nanny and so present, because she is worried about the children? This is a very worrying situation, for all of you. Especially given that there seems to be no time at all when you feel able to talk to your sister and tell her your concerns or get her help. At times like this I always advise making sure the safety of the most vulnerable is attended to first: here, your mum and your sister's children. Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here.
Yahoo
05-04-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
Why does everyone have social anxiety now – and do we all need to get a grip?
I want advice from people that aren't afraid to go out by themselves, like I want to start going places alone like cafes and bookstores and whatever but anxiety says no. Please tell me how you do it if you do.' This recent tweet clearly struck a chord, garnering more than 200,000 likes and 10,000 replies. Advice came thick and fast in the comments, written by people who had overcome their own demons when going about their business alone: 'Take Airpods and a book'; 'Start by going to a movie alone'; 'Practise what you're going to say if a stranger comes up and asks you what you're doing'; and, my personal favourite, 'Pretend everyone around you is just a Sim in a video game. NPCs. Filler people.' A colleague shared the tweet with me with the words, 'OMG, people need to get a grip', and I initially had to fight a strong temptation to roll my eyes myself. But whether it provokes empathy or a 'snowflake generation!' knee-jerk reaction in you, the virality of the original post is perhaps indicative of a fundamental truth: we are increasingly living in a world awash with social anxiety. New research from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) reveals that social anxiety now affects over half of all Brits (54 per cent) and nearly three-quarters (72 per cent) of young people aged 16 to 24. Nearly two in three people say it has impacted their personal and professional lives. Young people are the demographic most affected by social anxiety, which typically begins in adolescence or early adulthood; 90 per cent of new cases occur before the age of 23. And rates are on the up. 'We've seen a dramatic rise in the number of children and young people experiencing anxiety and other mental illnesses in recent years,' says Dr Elaine Lockhart, chair of the Royal College of Psychiatrists' Child and Adolescent Faculty. 'Mental health services are struggling to manage rising demand, and many children and young people are being placed on unacceptably long waiting lists.' Some 500 children a day in England are being referred to NHS mental health services for anxiety, more than double the rate prior to the Covid-19 pandemic, according to a Guardian report. So why has anxiety rocketed among the next gen? Three major issues come up repeatedly when speaking to the experts. Perhaps unsurprisingly, devices attract a chunky proportion of the blame. A BrainWaves study on teen wellbeing, led by scientists at the University of Oxford and Swansea University and published last year, concluded that 'high social media use is strongly linked to anxiety and depression'. Meanwhile, a lawsuit filed in autumn 2024 by 13 states and Washington DC accused TikTok specifically of harming young users' mental health. The suit claimed that TikTok's own research had found a correlation between 'compulsive usage' and 'loss of analytical skills, memory formation, contextual thinking, conversational depth, empathy, and increased anxiety'. Cognitive behavioural therapist Federico Ferrarese agrees that 'the over-reliance on virtual interactions, particularly among younger generations, may be hindering the development of crucial social skills and exacerbating feelings of anxiety in real-world social situations.' It's a vicious cycle: the more time we spend 'socialising' online, the less we do it in person, and the more difficult and intimidating the idea of IRL interactions – ones where we have to react and respond on the spot rather than having time to compose a perfect sassy reply – becomes. A friend who works in a college tells me that students often message each other while sitting in the same room – because it feels safer and easier than having a conversation in person. And that's before we get to the very rational fear that any embarrassing situation in the real word has the potential to be recorded, posted on social media and catalogued on the internet for all eternity… In addition to screen time, psychologist Dr Carolyne Keenan cites a combination of external, wider world issues – economic and political uncertainty, the climate crisis, global conflicts – as being anxiety triggers, alongside UK pressures like the cost-of-living crisis, job insecurity and stretched public services. And thirdly, as much as many adults would like to pretend it never happened, the pandemic really has had long-lasting and significant mental health impacts. Around one in three people feel more anxious in social situations since Covid, according to BACP data, rising to nearly one in two among young people. At a vital point in their social development, children and adolescents were literally told to avoid other people and stay at home. Extended periods of social isolation, uncertainty and disrupted routines during lockdowns created the perfect breeding ground for anxiety disorders. I think as a society, maybe we're not being very resilient any more Charlie Hartley, CEO BRIYM This was certainly true for Cerys, a 25-year-old tattoo artist from Newcastle, who has been living with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)since she was 14. Covid lockdowns sent her social anxiety into overdrive: 'I had just moved to a new city into a houseshare where I didn't really know the people I was living with,' she says, 'so that, combined with being cut off from my support system, I became extremely anxious and struggled to leave my bedroom most days.' Cerys describes her social anxiety as 'a pretty much constant feeling of dread over the smallest of interactions, like going to the Post Office or saying 'Hi' to your neighbour.' If she's going through a particularly bad period, she experiences physical symptoms like shaking, being sick and an inability to eat for long periods. It's worth noting that feeling some anxiety around social situations is not the same as having SAD. According to the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the criteria to diagnose SAD include: persistent fear of social situations where scrutiny or judgement may occur; fear of embarrassment or humiliation in social settings; avoidance of feared social situations or enduring them with intense anxiety; symptoms persisting for at least six months; and significant distress or impairment in daily functioning. 'Social anxiety is more than mere shyness,' says Professor David Baldwin, clinical adviser at charity Anxiety UK. 'People who are shy are usually able to take part in social and performance situations when encouraged to do so: social anxiety is characterised by distressing and impairing anxiety symptoms (both psychological and physical), and by risks of subsequent depression, substance use and attempted suicide.' There is concern in some quarters, though, that greater sensitivity around mental health – while an overwhelmingly positive thing – might mean young people don't always know how to differentiate between natural nerves and a full-blown disorder. 'It is a complex situation where both over-pathologising by young people and families and under-diagnosis by professionals are likely,' says Andrea Danese, a professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at King's College London and Maudsley NHS Foundation Trust. 'If adolescents believe that experiences of emotional distress are typically linked to a mental health problem, it is easy for them to misattribute feelings of anxiety in social situations to a social anxiety disorder.' But it is equally important, he stresses, to consider that many adolescents with genuine SAD 'never seek help from mental health services, and more work is needed to understand the barriers they face to receiving effective support.' As well as external factors increasing anxiety, a potential decline in overall 'resilience' could be exacerbating the issue. Defined as the ability to respond to stressful or unexpected situations (aided and abetted by a range of healthy coping strategies), it's a quality that, research suggests, we may have lost in recent years. According to the 2022 Programme for International Student Assessment (PISA), a survey conducted every three years that compares 15-year-olds around the world, UK students were above-average academically but scored incredibly poorly across a range of socio-emotional skills, including stress resistance and emotional control, plus below average for persistence. Distress shouldn't automatically be interpreted as a sign of mental ill-health or a clinical problem Professor Andrea Danese 'I'm not sure our young people are resilient – and I think as a society, maybe we're not being very resilient any more,' says Charlie Hartley, CEO of Building Resilience In Young Minds (BRIYM), which offers mental health support to organisations, schools, parents and children. Resilience building is not, she explains, about being able to do something. Rather, it's the journey to be able to do something. 'If we take the example of walking: when we're one year old, we stand up, we probably fall down. We take one step, and then fall down. The resilient process is that bit in between – from where you started trying to walk to now, when you walk and don't even think about it. You are resilient in the fact that you didn't give up, you kept trying, you kept making small changes to improve until you could do it.' Inevitably, the process involves getting it wrong and 'falling over', as it were, an awful lot – which is challenging when, as Hartley puts it, 'we're all terrified of failure'. Yet there's no growth, learning or resilience-building without it. A decline in emotional resilience arguably goes hand in hand with Gen Z being more risk-averse than previous generations. Studies have shown that the proportion of adolescents who smoke, drink, have sex or engage in other 'risk' behaviours has declined markedly over the past 25 years, strongly linked to a decrease in face-to-face socialising. While on the surface it's hardly a bad thing that today's youngsters aren't hammering bottles of White Lightning in the park so regularly, it also points to a culture of fear when it comes to making mistakes; feeling out of control; getting out of comfort zones; being vulnerable. The truth is, we likely all need to intentionally bin the pursuit of a 'frictionless' life and become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. 'Distress shouldn't automatically be interpreted as a sign of mental ill-health or a clinical problem,' explains Professor Danese. 'It's perfectly natural – and indeed necessary – for young people to encounter challenges and experience distress as part of their emotional development. It's through navigating these experiences that adolescents learn essential coping strategies.' These experiences gradually reinforce someone's confidence in their ability to handle stress or adversity. Crucially, says Danese, they need to be proportionate to the young person's ability to cope: 'It's not about throwing adolescents into the world and seeing what they can do; it's about creating the right settings so that they can face reasonable challenges and grow strong.' Hartley stresses the need for parents to stop trying to fix everything for their kids and start pushing them into 'those more difficult conversations or situations so that they can understand they can do it'. She also emphasises the importance of educating young people about their stress responses and identifying how that feels in the body – when 'danger' or discomfort triggers cortisol and adrenaline to start racing around the bloodstream, for example – plus teaching emotional regulation techniques like breathing exercises and mindfulness. The BrainWaves research showed that three elements strongly correlated with better adolescent wellbeing and mental health: getting enough sleep, regular exercise and attending religious services. For those already struggling with SAD, therapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) has proven effective for many. After having a nervous breakdown where she couldn't leave the house in January, Cerys is in a 'much better place' having started weekly therapy with a BACP therapist. 'This has been the biggest step forward I have taken in getting control of my anxiety,' she says. Snowflake generation? The more we hear about the cumulative effect of Covid restrictions, global crises and social media brain-rot that young people have been forced to endure, the more convinced I am that I'd struggle to cope with any of it myself. Telling adolescents to 'get a grip' is hardly helpful – but perhaps we could start by encouraging them to try something new. Embarrass themselves. Do karaoke. Kiss someone. And, most importantly, make mistakes – because it's not the falling down that matters in the long term, but the getting up and trying again. If you have been affected by this article, you can contact the following organisations for support:
