Red flag that a dwindling friendship is 'dead' and it's time to move on

Metro

a day ago

It's often said that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Working out which category your pals fall into can be tricky, and just the thought of admitting your friend isn't meant to be part of your life for the long-haul can be devastating.
Relationships might dwindle as friends move away, get married, or start families. Weekly catch ups become few and far between, and getting a text back can feel like more of an accomplishment than winning a Nobel Prize.
So how do you work out when it's time to pronounce a friendship as well and truly dead?
Metro asked an expert from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) for their thoughts — and they shared the one key sign it's time to give up and move on.
Counsellor Suzanne Cowie claims every friendship differs based on the expectations and needs of the individuals involved — but we should ensure we're fairly managing our own expectations of others, especially if we don't see them regularly.
'Are they being distant or are they just busy?' Suzanne asks. 'Not everyone loves texting or calling every day and it can take time to understand that sometimes when a friend doesn't return a call, it isn't that they are ignoring you, they are simply overwhelmed.
'Ask yourself when a friend doesn't call back instantly: why am I assuming the worst? Sometimes negative thought patterns make us believe situations are happening that are in fact only in our head.'
So not getting a text back might not be the end of the world, but there is one worrying behaviour she warns you should keep an eye out for – as it could be a sign the friendship is on its last legs.
'Friendships, like any relationship, require time and effort to thrive. If you feel that a friend is only ever concerned with their own life and never curious about yours, that is a red flag,' Suzanne explains.
The expert clarifies that a 'good' friendship should 'lift you up, make you feel supported, validated and heard. A great friendship is someone who values you and isn't afraid to be honest with you'.
You have two options. You can either let go and allow the friendship to run its course, or you can reach out to see if you can resolve the issue.
Suzanne advises: 'Be honest about how you are feeling; explain that you feel the friendship has drifted. There may be valid circumstances for why your friend has been elusive.
'Try to always explain your feelings rather than blaming your friend, so in texts write 'I feel' rather than 'you've done xyz'. Blaming someone or calling out all what you consider their failings will only make them defensive. Be as congruent and clear as possible. It's ok to be honest about your hurt and confusion. If your friend really wants to save the friendship they will respond and want to resolve your issues; if they don't then at least you know where you stand.'
As an example, if you feel you are always the one initiating contact and meet ups with a friend and you're fed up of it, she suggests sending a message along the lines of:
'I have tried reaching out to you in order to catch up but there never seems to be time. I feel disappointed that we haven't met up and I miss you. I want to sustain our friendship and wondered if we could talk about this? Could you let me know if you want to? Take care.'
If you reach out and things don't turn out the way you hoped, Suzanne urges you to make peace with the other person's choice to end the friendship.
'We can't control what other people do, only our reactions to their actions,' she says.
But getting over a friendship, especially one that has spanned years, can take a long time as you'll be grieving the loss.
As part of this, you might find yourself going through the various different stages of grief, such as anger, denial, shock and sadness.
'Allow yourself to feel how you are feeling and remember that in letting go of a friendship that wasn't serving us, we are making space in our lives for friendships that we deserve.'
While you might lose a few friends along the way, the good news is that you are never too old to make new ones.
Suzanne recommends getting out there and joining a club, the gym or finding some kind of hobby that allows you to meet new people.
'If you repeatedly see the same people in a group setting don't be afraid to strike up conversation. Repeated conversations mean it is that bit easier to then broach meeting up outside the class for a coffee,' she says. More Trending
The same applies to co-workers, neighbours and friends of friends, the more social situations you put yourself in, the more opportunity you have to make connections.
But none of it will make any difference if you're not being approachable.
'As daunting as it sounds, being relaxed, smiling and asking engaging questions will always draw people to you,' adds the expert.
And once you've arranged a successful meet up with a new pal, be sure to check in with them afterwards and arrange a future meet up as consistency is the biggest factor in keeping a friendship alive.
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