Opinion: Divided by faith — but still united as parents

Yahoo

15-07-2025

Religious differences can feel like the deepest of divides. For Utah families going through divorce or separation, that divide can become even more painful when it shows up in co-parenting decisions — around holidays, modesty, dating, Sunday routines, or whether and when a child will be baptized.
We know this because we see it every day in our therapy practices.
We're colleagues and friends from different faith backgrounds — one of us is Jewish, the other a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As therapists specializing in divorce and co-parenting, we've worked with hundreds of Utah families and seen how religious divides can either deepen conflict or invite growth.
In Utah, where faith often plays a central role in family life, it's not uncommon for one parent to remain active in their religion while the other leaves the tradition — or embraces a new one. When this happens, both parents often feel fear: fear that their child won't share their values, or that the other parent will influence them in ways they can't control.
But here's what we've learned: it is possible to co-parent well across religious differences. Doing so requires three things — clarity, compassion and commitment.
We encourage co-parents to stay grounded in their core values, while staying flexible about how those values are expressed across two households. A key part of this is distinguishing between exposure to different beliefs and indoctrination. Children are more perceptive than we sometimes give them credit for. They can understand that people see the world differently, and they can learn to navigate those differences if they feel emotionally safe.
Rather than seeing every disagreement as a battle, look for shared values — like honesty, kindness, respect, service or caring for one's body. When parents can identify and affirm what they agree on, it becomes easier to manage what they don't.
It's normal to worry about your co-parent's influence. But children are shaped over time by many factors — not just by what happens at one parent's house. Attempts to control what your child is exposed to often backfire, making your own values seem rigid or fearful. A more effective approach is to live your values authentically, and trust that your child will be shaped by love, not pressure.
You don't have to agree with your co-parent's faith — or lack of it — to treat it with respect. What matters most is how you talk about it in front of your child. Kids are always listening. When they hear parents speak about each other with respect, even in disagreement, they tend to feel more secure and confident in forming their own beliefs.
Compassion doesn't mean staying silent. It means expressing your values without attacking the values of others. It's the difference between saying, 'I don't want you being brainwashed,' and, 'We believe different things, and I trust you to ask thoughtful questions as you grow.'
Even when religious paths diverge, effective co-parents find common ground in the bigger picture: raising children who are kind, capable and resilient. You might disagree on the 'how,' but agreeing on the 'why' can be a powerful starting point.
When parents agree on the values they want to instill, the conversation shifts from control to collaboration. And when that feels impossible, a neutral mental health professional — such as a therapist trained in divorce and co-parenting — can help identify what's getting in the way, offer strategies and support you in moving forward.
We know this isn't easy. Co-parenting across religious differences isn't a theoretical exercise — it's deeply personal. It can stir up old wounds, grief, fears and the strong desire to protect your child's spiritual well-being.
But time and again, we've seen what's possible when parents keep their focus on their child — not just in words, but in actions. Kids can grow up between two homes, with two belief systems, and still feel whole. They can learn that love doesn't require agreement. That faith can look different from one house to another. That they are free to ask questions and explore. And most importantly, that they are deeply loved by both parents.
So whether you're divorcing or staying in your marriage but feeling the strain of religious differences, know this: your child doesn't have to grow up caught in the middle. Support is available. With the right mindset and guidance, it's possible to turn conflict into collaboration — and raise strong, thoughtful, resilient kids, even when you and your co-parent see the world differently.