Big family guys compare their contributions to society*
Elon Musk Dear friends and fellow billionaires, welcome to the inaugural meeting of the Super-Impregnators. None of you likes beating around the bush so let's begin with introductions. I'm Elon and I make spaceships and babies. To date, I have produced 14 children. My target is 40. Message me if you know any smart women who want my sperm, no strings attached
Farris Wilks I'm Farris, billionaire fracker, Trump donor and pastor of the Assembly of Yahweh, the one true church, in Texas. I only have 11 children and they're all via the same woman. Abortion is bad. Homosexuality is worse. Sex out of wedlock is unforgivable, so sayeth Yahweh
Musk OK dude, let's keep the kooky Christian stuff to a minimum. Remember, we're trying to save the planet here by having more of the good types of children. It is our responsibility as super-smart wealth creators to spread our superior seed far and wide. Monogamy is inefficient
Boris Johnson Have to say, Elon old chum, my current ball and chain takes a dim view of extramarital hanky-panky. I tried the whole for-the-good-of-humanity thing and she didn't buy it at all
Musk Not sure you're supposed to be in this elite group, Boris
Johnson Your assistant said I qualified because I'm a super-spreader and I went to Eton. Surely we need lots of little Bozzas just as much as we need lots of mini Muzzers? Got to keep the gene pool flowing
Musk True but not too much. How many children have you got?
Johnson Ahh, excellent question. Nine?
Musk OK, fine. Next!
Pavel Durov I'm Pavel and I own Telegram, the social media site which in no way facilitates terrorism and/or the illegal arms trade. And none of you is trying hard enough. I've got 106
Musk Think of the school runs!
Durov Hahahaha!
Wilks What's funny?
Musk My joke implying any of us actually do any parenting … hahahaha
Wilks Oh I see. Hahahaha
Musk It's so annoying when people accuse me of being irresponsible. There are lots of poor people having children. How's that going to work? At least I can provide my offspring with everything they need
Durov Except a father figure?
Musk No, I can provide that too. Tutors. Fitness instructors. All the tools required to become masters of their own destiny
Johnson Sounds a bit, you know …
Musk What?
Johnson Nothing
Musk How have you got 106 children anyway? Some kind of bionic penis? I've looked into bionic penises. Something to consider
Durov No, six the usual way and 100 via a local fertility clinic
Wilks May Yahweh forgive thee
Musk No, I like it … we need to think about this more industrially. How can we impregnate the most women in the least amount of time? Like Debbie Does Dallas but in reverse
Johnson Elon does Eastbourne! Boris does Berlin!
Musk Yeah, dude, I like it. What's Eastbourne?
Johnson It's a town in England
Musk Are its women smart and the right sort and also keen?
Johnson Maybe start with Newcastle
Musk I'll get my team to arrange
Johnson Up the toon!
Wilks Lord forgive thy humble servants
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Telegraph
44 minutes ago
- Telegraph
Trump shows flashes of vulnerability in wartime leader address
In a three-and-a-half-minute address to the nation, Donald Trump threatened Iran with more strikes if it does not agree to a peace deal as he announced that its nuclear facilities had been 'completely obliterated.' It was a flinty performance on the night he became a war-time president, although it came with flashes of vulnerability. 'Tonight I can report to the world that the strikes were a spectacular military success,' he said in the East Room of the White House, flanked by JD Vance, his vice-president, Marco Rubio, his secretary of state, and Pete Hegseth, his defence secretary. 'Iran's key nuclear enrichment facilities have been completely and totally obliterated,' Mr Trump said. 'Iran, the bully of the Middle East must now make peace. If they do not, future attacks will be far greater and a lot easier.' The decision to send US service personnel into action came after eight days of strikes by Israel that aimed to degrade the country's air defences, weaken its offensive missile capabilities, and destroy its nuclear enrichment facilities. But American and Israeli officials said that only US stealth bombers and the 13,500kg bunker buster bomb had any chance of hitting fortified sites deep underground. And when it came, analysts and journalists were taken by surprise. The White House had called a 'lid' on Saturday evening at 6.44pm local time, meaning that the president was expected to have no further public engagements. Reporters, producers and camera crews left for the night. So the usual 'press pool' was not present to watch when the president strode down the red-carpeted cross corridor, before grasping both sides of his lectern with a stern-face and announcing 'massive precision strikes' on three key Iranian sites. He thanked and congratulated Benjamin Netanyahu, the Israeli prime minister, and the country's armed forces. It was a telling comment for a world leader with whom he has not always seen eye to eye. 'And most importantly, I want to congratulate the great American patriots who flew those magnificent machines tonight and all of the United States military on an operation the likes of which the world has not seen in many, many decades,' he said. Mr Trump was elected on a promise to avoid foreign wars in favour of an ' America First ' agenda. He may have to reckon with some of his own allies in the weeks and months ahead over his decision. The intelligence community has long assessed that Iran ended its nuclear weapons programme years ago, so Mr Trump will have to own his decision to send American forces into action. He spelled out again what was at stake for Iran as he reminded viewers of how extremists had chanted 'death to America' for decades. 'There will be either peace or there will be tragedy for Iran far greater than we have witnessed over the last eight days,' he said. 'Remember, there are many targets left. Tonight's was the most difficult of them all, by far, and perhaps the most lethal. 'But if peace does not come quickly, we will go after those other targets with precision, speed and skill, most of them can be taken out in a matter of minutes.' Just for a moment at the end of his address, he showed a moment of emotion. Associates say last year's assassination attempt, which saw a bullet graze his ear, left a profound psychological mark. He believes he was spared in order to complete the mission he started during his first term. 'And I want to just thank everybody, and in particular God,' he said, his voice straining and his bottom lip quivering briefly under the weight of the moment. 'I want to just say we love you God and we love our great military. Protect them.'
Sky News
an hour ago
- Sky News
Israel-Iran live: Iran considering 'all options' after US strikes - which Trump says 'completely obliterated' nuclear sites
Trump's presidential address: In full We have just heard from Donald Trump, who gave a short statement after the US launched strikes against three of Iran's nuclear facilities. Here is what he said in full: A short time ago, the U.S. military carried out massive precision strikes on the three key nuclear facilities in the Iranian regime: Fordow, Natanz and Isfahan. Everybody heard those names for years as they built this horribly destructive enterprise. Our objective was the destruction of Iran's nuclear enrichment capacity and a stop to the nuclear threat posed by the world's number one state sponsor of terror. Tonight, I can report to the world that the strikes were a spectacular military success. Iran's nuclear enrichment facilities have been completely and totally obliterated. Iran, the bully of the Middle East, must now make peace. If they do not, future attacks would be far greater and a lot easier. For 40 years Iran has been saying death to America, death to Israel. They have been killing our people, blowing off their arms, blowing off their legs with roadside bombs. That was their speciality. We lost over a thousand people and hundreds of thousands throughout the Middle East and around the world have died as a direct result of their hate. In particular, so many were killed by their general, Qassem Soleimani. I decided a long time ago that I would not let this happen. It will not continue. I want to thank and congratulate Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu. We worked as a team like perhaps no team has ever worked before, and we've gone a long way to erasing this horrible threat to Israel. I want to thank the Israeli military for the wonderful job they've done. And most importantly, I want to congratulate the great American patriots who flew those magnificent machines tonight and all of the United States military on an operation the likes of which the world has not seen in many, many decades. Hopefully, we will no longer need their services in this capacity. I hope that so. I also want to congratulate the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Dan Rosen Kane, spectacular general and all of the brilliant military minds involved in this attack. With all of that being said, this cannot continue. There will be either peace or there will be tragedy for Iran, far greater than we have witnessed over the last eight days. Remember, there are many targets left. Tonight's was the most difficult of them all by far, and perhaps the most lethal. But if peace does not come quickly, we will go after those other targets with precision, speed and skill. Most of them can be taken out in a matter of minutes. There's no military in the world that could have done what we did tonight. Not even close. There's never been a military that could do what took place just a little while ago. Tomorrow, General Kaine, Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth will have a press conference at 8am at the Pentagon. I want to just thank everybody and in particular, God, I want to just say, we love you, God, and we love our great military. Protect them. God bless the Middle East. God bless Israel, and God bless America. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Daily Mail
an hour ago
- Daily Mail
AOC leads Democrats in calling for Trump's impeachment over Iran strikes
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Wrote Ocasio-Cortez, a progressive pugilist who has become a top Democratic figure and even a potential presidential contender: 'The President's disastrous decision to bomb Iran without authorization is a grave violation of the Constitution and Congressional War Powers. He has impulsively risked launching a war that may ensnare us for generations. It is absolutely and clearly grounds for impeachment.' Also raising the impeachment threat was Illinois Democratic Rep. Sean Casten. 'This is not about the merits of Iran's nuclear program. No president has the authority to bomb another country that does not pose an imminent threat to the US without the approval of Congress. This is an unambiguous impeachable offense,' he posted Saturday following the attack. Fumed former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) in a statement: 'Tonight, the President ignored the Constitution by unilaterally engaging our military without congressional authorization. I join my colleagues in demanding answers from the Administration on this operation which endangers American lives and risks further escalation and dangerous destabilization of the region.' Rep. Al Green of Texas has already filed articles of impeachment against Trump, saying in a statement in May that 'President has devolved American democracy into authoritarianism, with himself as the authoritarian.' Congressional Democrats twice impeached Trump, once over his efforts seeking to get Ukraine to investigate rival Joe Biden, and once following the January 6 attack on the Capital. Both were unsuccessful. The Senate voted 57-43 to convict Trump in his second impeachment, short of the needed two-thirds majority. Trump called both efforts part of the 'witch hunt' against him, and says impeachments and criminal prosecutions of him contributed to his political resurrection. That makes any actual impeachment effort a potentially risky gambit. In the current environment, House Republicans hold a narrow House majority, likely dooming any impeachment effort that goes forward. Only a House-passed impeachment resolution gets a Senate trial. Trump's decision to bomb Iran clashed with some of his campaign rhetoric about avoiding 'forever' wars in the Middle East. He called the second Iraq war 'stupid' and has hammered both parties over the war in Afghanistan, which continued during his first term. MAGA ally Steve Bannon has been calling to prioritize other issues like mass deportations and warning World War III is underway. Ocasio Cortez was on hand when June 21 for the return of Columbia University graduate student Mahmoud Khalil in New Jersey as he told reporters that he will continue to fight for his country 'even if they kill me.' Khalil, 30, arrived at Newark Liberty International Airport on Saturday to an eruption of cheers after he was detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement for over 100 days. Ocasio-Cortez spoke at the conference to condemn the Trump administration for 'persecution based on political speech.' She added that Khalil was unlawfully 'taken' and argued that federal officials acted illegally when detaining the activist. Article II of the Constitution spells out broad military authority for the president as commander in chief, while Article I exclusively gives Congress the authority to declare war.' Presidents of both parties have routinely ordered military action without advance authorization by Congress since World War II. Even lawmakers pushing for adhering to the War Powers Act acknowledge that certain brief or urgent military actions that a president orders need not be governed by it. But AOC and others raised the potential that Trump's strikes could kick off yet another long war that began without authorization. Trump's comments from the White House Saturday night indicated conflict could either be longer or short, depending on Iran's response. 'There will be either peace or there will be tragedy for Iran far greater than we have witnessed over the last eight days,' Trump said, referencing Israel's attacks on Iran. President George H.W. Bush got an authorization from Congress before the Persian Gulf War, and his son George W. Bush got authorizations in 2001 and 2002 following the Sept. 11th attacks. Trump ordered the military to take out Iranian Gen. Qasem Soleimani without congressional authorization, and at the start of his second term ordered strikes against the Houthis in Yemen. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.), who opposed the Iran nuclear deal under President Barack Obama that Trump scrapped, said Trump must provide 'clear answers' on the attacks and their implications on American safety. 'No president should be allowed to unilaterally march this nation into something as consequential as war with erratic threats and no strategy. Confronting Iran's ruthless campaign of terror, nuclear ambitions, and regional aggression demands strength, resolve, and strategic clarity. The danger of wider, longer, and more devastating war has now dramatically increased,' he said. 'We must enforce the War Powers Act and I'm urging Leader [John] Thune to put it on the Senate floor immediately. I am voting for it and implore all Senators on both sides of the aisle to vote for it.' Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, a Democratic Armed Services Committee member, says his resolution requires that any hostilities with Iran must be explicitly authorized by a declaration of war or specific authorization for use of military force, 'but would not prevent the U.S. from defending itself from imminent attack.'
