I studied love for 25 years as a Harvard professor, the key to making a relationship last has nothing to do with passion

The Sun

25-06-2025

AN EXPERT on love has shared the one thing you need to make sure your relationship stands the test of time.
Arthur Brooks, a social science professor at Harvard has studied the subject of love for over 25 years and found the one thing that keeps couples together.
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Speaking on The Drive podcast with Peter Attia MD, the pair shared their insight on romantic relationships.
During their chat, the pro explained that the key is finding a partner who you also see as your best friend.
He explained that this bond will remain even if the initial chemistry fizzles out.
Arthur: "One of the most important things for a happy life is a partnership with somebody who will be the last person who you set eyes on as you take your last dying breath, that is really, really important."
"The goal of your marriage is not passion, it's friendship. This is the goal, you must be close friends, ideally best friends, with your spouse.
"I'm going to be with my wife Ester until death do us part, that has to be the juice of the relationship where the love actually makes happiness and love is truly the great secret to happiness."
He said that there are also a couple of indicators that a marriage may end in divorce - including people who feel lonely in their relationship.
The love expert used the example of 'empty nest syndrome' which refers to parents experiencing sadness or distress when their children have grown into adults and moved out of the family home.
Arthur added: "The people who suffer the most from empty nest syndrome is not the empty nest it's the fact that they are with one other bird and they don't really like that bird."
He said that when two people have been together for a long time it can be normal - and even 'advisable' - that their passion levels are not as high as when they were fresh into their relationship.
According to the expert, low intimacy levels are "healthy, normal and actually advisable because it's more sustainable in the long run."
Even those with no intimacy can be found to be happy as they have 'very, very close personal lifelong friends,' instead.
"Here is the key, if you don't have a spouse you need real friends. These are people who know your secrets, take your 2am phone call and that you talk to a lot," he explained.
However, Arthur also said that it is still very important to ensure that you upkeep friendships with others even if you are in a marriage; adding that men are usually worse at keeping in touch with their pals.
Signs your relationship is heading for a divorce
Persistent Communication Breakdowns
Constant misunderstandings, arguments, or a complete lack of meaningful conversation can signal deep-seated issues.
Emotional Distance
Feeling like roommates rather than partners, with a noticeable lack of intimacy or emotional connection.
Frequent Criticism and Contempt
Regularly criticising each other and showing contempt, such as sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking, can erode the relationship's foundation.
Unresolved Conflicts
Recurrent arguments about the same issues without any resolution can indicate deeper incompatibilities.
Loss of Trust
Trust is crucial in any relationship. If it's been broken and cannot be rebuilt, it may be a sign that the relationship is in trouble.
Different Life Goals
Significant differences in future aspirations, such as career goals, lifestyle choices, or family planning, can create insurmountable divides.
Avoidance
Preferring to spend time apart rather than together, whether through work, hobbies, or social activities, can indicate a desire to escape the relationship.
Lack of Support
Feeling unsupported, whether emotionally, financially, or practically, can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment.
Financial Disagreements
Constantly arguing about money, spending habits, or financial priorities can strain the relationship.
Infidelity
Whether physical or emotional, infidelity can be a major breach of trust and a sign of deeper issues in the relationship.
Changes in Affection
A noticeable decrease in affection, physical touch, or romantic gestures can indicate a loss of connection.
"That is one of the reasons why men do so poorly when they lose their wives because a lot of them don't have real friendships," he added.
And there was one major red flag your relationship was doomed.
The expert said: "One of the greatest predictors of divorce is partners who are lonely while living together and this [means] that the only thing you have in common is your kids.
"[When] that one point of commonality disappears and you're sitting across the table blinking at each other during dinner and not talking because you literally have nothing to talk about."
To prevent this fate, Arthur said that it is important for married couples to partake in activities together, whether that is reading the same book, playing the same sports or even practicing the same religion to keep their bond strong and allow them to have things in common.