Finding yourself in Glasgow's less than salubrious watering holes
Though booze gargling does have its disadvantages, such as a tendency to make people talk pure gibberish.
Diary correspondent Fergus Reid somehow found himself in one of Glasgow's less than salubrious watering holes, in the city's east end, where he overheard two scholars of international affairs in heated discussion.
Said one to the other: 'See they Americans? Problem is, they're a' gum-chewers. Every single one o' em.'
His colleague was not entirely won over by this passionate display of anti-Americanism, and duly retorted: 'Wit's wrang wi' bein' a gum chewer, likes?
The first chap was rather taken aback, and felt the need to pause for deep and heartfelt contemplation, before finally arriving at a suitable answer: 'Well, it's pretty cruel tae the gum, int it?'
Shaky scoff
Culinary correspondent Russell O'Connor was enjoying a holiday in Stratford-upon-Avon, a town fabled for being the birthplace of England's greatest bard.
Sitting down to breakfast in his hotel, Russell noticed the menu advertised an omelette, made with chunky hunks of ham.
Perhaps inevitably, given the hotel's location, it was labelled the… Hamlette.
'Deciding whether to order it,' says Russell, 'I was left facing an existential conundrum… To nosh or not to nosh.'
He answered this tricky question by ordering the Dane-inspired dish.
A moment after he tucked into his feast, the waitress appeared, and with a cheeky wink, said: 'As you like it, sir?'
Read more: How to keep fit and tackle those grubby worn out carpets
Parental put down
Father's Day fast approaches, the perfect occasion to celebrate that bloke who spends all his time pottering in the garden shed, while mum does the heavy lifting and raises the sprogs.
Donna Turner asked her 16-year-old son what he was getting his dad for the Big Day.
'Why bother?' he shrugged. 'He's more dud than dad.'
Message received
'I hate when people call my phone,' complains reader Wayne Reed. 'That's not what I bought it for.'
Pelter prep
More weather witterings.
On a hot afternoon in a Glasgow train, Kim Stevenson spotted a lady with an umbrella.
'Expecting rain?' she enquired.
'Sooner or later,' replied the woman. 'This IS Glasgow.'
Fast friends
Energetic Jim Hutton took up training for a marathon at the age of 55, and says the intensive exercise is a terrific way to meet new people.
'Just the other day,' he says, 'I met two doctors and a cardiologist…'
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