Want to hear our cultural elites blather on about ‘inclusivity'? That'll be £1,300

Telegraph

a day ago

Ever get the feeling that somewhere, other people are having a high old time at some juicy jamboree – an occasion that poor old off-trend you don't even know is happening? I bring news. There is such an exclusive junket happening – right now! But don't panic, you'll soon be glad you're not there.
The SXSW (South By Southwest) Festival, a spin-off from an annual bash that's been running in Austin, Texas since 1987, is taking place this very week. There's a packed programme of film, music, talks and panel discussions, about all manner of supposedly exciting things. Now it's arrived for the first time in London – well, in Shoreditch, which for the benefit of provincials I should explain is the part of London that even Londoners roll their eyes at, and mutter something like 'pretentious twits', only much ruder.
The SXSW line-up gives us a fascinating glimpse into the rarified world of the cultural elite. And it is a very exclusive affair; a pass ticket for the whole week will set you back £1,300. I can hear you asking, yes, but what is it actually for?
Well, I've had a good look through the acres of bumf, and to be honest I'm still not sure I can give you a good answer. The MD of the shebang, Randel Bryan, tells us: 'SXSW London will build on Austin's incredible legacy, presenting an event that underpins why SXSW is the go-to destination for professionals and creatives seeking meaningful connections, unexpected experiences, and ideas that can help shape the world.'
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This sentence seems to fold back on itself like a Möbius strip. It's an event that presents itself, which underpins why it's an event…? No, I'm lost. SXSW is like the universe, then, and equally as mysterious – it's here because it's here because it's here.
Here's my theory. I think it revolves around nebulous, boondoggling, add-on activities, a work conference for make-workers. There's a lot of talk about marketing, branding, mentoring: the parasitic babble that surrounds actual work, which I'm sure we couldn't possibly live without. You may remember the B-Ark of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, the gigantic spaceship full of absolutely useless people with silly jobs. SXSW is the B-Ark before it blasted off.
The schedule is chock-full of the familiar buzzwords of that slice of the upper middle class who have got themselves into these baffling, but enviably remunerated, positions; sustainability, inclusivity, citizens assemblies, patronising the 'queer' community... All the fads, indeed, of 2018. Incomprehensible chat about AI, and tech of all kinds, abounds. There are talks from people with job titles like 'solutions architect' and 'serial entrepreneur', and plentiful satellite activities, from artisanal ice cream tasting to consciousness-raising yoga.
After scrolling through acres of this guff, I got a mental image of a taxi screeching up in EC1 and disgorging Edina Monsoon, babbling into her mobile – 'Get off the line Saffy darling, I'm late for Bentley Robles' DJ set, and I've already missed the bloody buggery symposiums on 'Embedding Consciousness Into Business For Global Impact' and 'Next Gen Mycelium Biomaterials', sweetie.'
Like you, I don't know what any of that means, but I do know that I want it to stop. It makes one long for Ken Dodd to storm the stage, tickling stick erect, shouting 'How's your belly off for spots, missus!?'
Amusingly, Tony Blair and David Cameron turned up on stage unannounced on the first and second days, blithering on about AI nurses and genome sequencing, as if they were in Blake's 7. (This may be the first time Wyclef Jean and David Cameron have shared billing.) Inevitably, these surprise bookings lead to flounce-outs from several of the more tediously politically committed' music acts. Scottish singer Lvra pulled out, having a right pop at SXSW on the way: 'Whilst the music team were pulling together a diverse, 'cool' lineup, the conference team were booking speakers from multiple organisations deeply complicit in the current genocide [sic] of Palestinian people'. Blimey. You just don't get this sort of angst at Butlins.
The very idea that this junket is in any way anti-establishment took a body blow when the King turned up on Thursday for a quick saunter around an 'immersive art' show about sustainability.
As always, anything that goes out of its way to tell you how vibrant and dynamic it is will actually be clapped-out and moribund, and the louder and more frequently repeated the claim the more it holds true. There are some faces you'd be pleased to see – Björn from Abba or Tina Brown, for example, who have made their packets by bringing genuine joy to the world. But these are lost in the acres of nonsense, puffed up by breathless toot, across the schedule.
I stuck a pin in it and found an event dedicated to 'Circular Design Practice.'
'With the growing awareness of waste in the fashion industry,' begins the blurb, 'more designers are adopting circular design principles, integrating sustainable practices into their creative processes. This event brings together key professionals across fashion and textiles to explore the significance of circular design, its challenges and its future role in shaping the industry. Facilitated by Laetitia Forst, circular design specialist.' I think this means that they've reinvented dressmaking from odds and ends. My mum was doing this in 1972, integrating sustainable practices into her creative processes like nobody's business. If only they'd known, they could've booked her.
All this makes The Hay Festival, with its Garden Pizza Workshops and a chance to drop in on Alice Roberts and Led By Donkeys, seem positively trad. SXSW is very high-end, the upper upper middle class. More the Camerons than the Goves, you might say. There has been some grousing and grumping online from attendees about the goody bag, which apparently includes a somewhat tacky little Bluetooth speaker – which hardly aligns with the message of 'make do and mend' environmental doom.
There are several other similar such events. There was the Avalanche Summit London, which actually took place in that famous London borough Hatfield, 23 miles away in Hertfordshire, but I suppose that wouldn't sound as exciting. This was 'the premier gathering for visionaries shaping the future of blockchain and Web3', and featured events such as 'Deploy, Monitor, and Scale with Zeeve Cogitus'. Coming up soon – in East London again, naturally – is the AI Summit, and an introduction to something called Plan B, which is – apparently – 'an EVM-compatible BTCfi Layer 1 using Bitcoin as gas tokens and built as an Avalanche L1'. Well, I'm glad we got that cleared up.
Further afield there was the Soho Summit, hosted by fancy London members club Soho House at their big mansion in the Cotswolds. Soho House is the place where the people who sweat cobs to bring you top TV shows like The Masked Dancer, Genius Game and Mamma Mia I Have A Dream kick back.
Again, sorry, you've missed this one. Luckily there's an online précis of highlights. We hear that 'Throughout Thursday and Friday, the Farmyard Bar served a specially curated Seedlip non-alcoholic cocktail menu, and in the Mill Room the Simply Kalmado, created by Melwyn Dela Cruz from Electric House in partnership with Porsche, was available to members.' Mine's a light ale, thanks all the same.
Also on the Soho Summit menu? 'Gillian Anderson sat down with Dawn Airey to discuss her multifaceted career as an actor, author and now entrepreneur, which Anderson describes as 'absolutely bonkers'. The conversation explored the passion she brings to every one of her projects, from functional drinks brand G. Spot and characters like The Fall's Stella Gibson, to upcoming film project The Salt Path, set for release this month.' That's nice. Gillian Anderson is forever popping up at these events, for some reason, but they are peppered with celebs − Idris Elba, Ralph Fiennes, Rebel Wilson, James Corden, etc. I suppose it's like a version of ITV's An Audience With … but for people with more money than sense.
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My favourite morsel from the Soho Summit is the following; 'For bedroom guests, the day came to a close with a relaxed dinner held in the Hay Barn. As members dined, singer Self Esteem performed tracks from her new album, A Complicated Woman.' I'm just not sure how relaxed a dinner could be with someone in the corner breathily intoning, over banging EDM, the lyrics 'Doggy style feels all right'. Enough to put you quite off your pearl barley risotto.
I wonder, who in their right mind is actually paying for these events – and what on earth are they actually learning from them? We keep hearing how innovators and big corporates are being overtaxed. Now I'm a confirmed old-school conservative and capitalism fan. But I have to say, if these dafties still have enough cash sloshing about to stage or stump up for these mega-beanos, I for one say let Angela Rayner loose the slavering devil dogs of HMRC on them.
I have my own dream – a curated experience of the culture and knowledge that we're actually in danger of losing. Smoking permitted, nay, encouraged – nay, compulsory – throughout. Darts, boxing and snooker. There'll be talks on backache, home brewing and how to run the perfect car boot – hosted by Gloria Hunniford and Roy Chubby Brown. Music will come from Cliff Richard and Bell & Spurling, and good hearty fare will be provided from the trolley service, first come first served. Who's in?