From Timothy Leary to Melkite seminarians, my house has a storied history of occupants
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But what drew us to the house wasn't its history. We saw it as an ideal place for our blended family. Though our six kids — three of mine and three of his — wouldn't always be at home, the ample space the house offered meant that they'd know there was a place for each of them here.
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That night, we brought the volumes upstairs.
The long-lost Timothy Leary journals,
I thought, as I dusted them off.
Nope. Inside were ledger pages, filled with tiny handwriting recording a decade of financial records from St. Gregory's. Every donation was listed, as well as columns detailing cash disbursements, mortgage payments, retirement funds, and household expenses.
I tried to reach the seminary but got no leads. I occasionally studied the volumes in search of what clues they might divulge about this house and its onetime inhabitants. I read about Leary and thought about him sleeping in what was now our bedroom, or him writing in the small adjacent office where I now worked.
The house as it looked when it was the St. Gregory The Theologian Seminary in the 1970s and '80s.
from Tova mirvis
While my interest in the past was an occasional hobby, the actual needs of the house were more pressing. All too regularly, I called plumbers, electricians, and critter control. But as this steady stream of repairs was taking place, we were busy living there. We had Thanksgivings with all six kids, and on Sunday nights, enjoyed barbecues on the porches the seminary had added as prayer chapels. I still groaned when the latest problem cropped up but came to feel like I was not just the house's owner: However unlikely it might be, I was a caretaker of its history. Timothy Leary, the Melkite seminarians, and now me.
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One day there was a knock on the front door. An elderly man wearing black pants, a black shirt, and a clerical collar stood on the doorstep. 'I used to live here,' he said.
I invited him inside and offered a tour. 'It looks different, but feels like yesterday,' he said, upon seeing his old bedroom, the quirky upstairs bathroom, and my son's room, painted in bold shades of Bruins yellow and Red Sox blue and red.
Back downstairs, I showed him the ledgers. Startled, he stared at the faint blue pen lines. 'That's my handwriting,' he said, his veined hands tracing the words his younger self had written.
Relieved, I offered them to him, but he shook his head.
'They've been here all this time,' he said. 'They might as well stay.' He handed me a stack of photos from when the seminarians had first moved in.
In the kitchen, he took one last look.
'That stovetop always caused trouble,' he said.
'It still does,' I replied.
After a decade in the house, we're thinking about selling. As bittersweet as this upcoming change feels, in the long view, we're but one more set of temporary inhabitants in this house in which we became a family. The house and its history will once again be passed on.
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Tova Mirvis is a writer in Newton. Her new novel We Would Never was just published. TELL YOUR STORY. Email your 650-word unpublished essay on a relationship to connections@globe.com. Please note: We do not respond to submissions we won't pursue.
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Vox
2 days ago
- Vox
The reason people are always hurting your feelings
Everything could be going fine until one inconsequential comment, one offhand remark ruins your day. Your mother casually criticizes you. A coworker offers unsolicited feedback on a presentation. A friend asks for everyone's opinion on where to host their birthday dinner, except yours. The infraction rolls over and over in your mind: What did they mean by that? I'm an idiot, right? Why would they do that? Hours, days, even weeks can pass and, still, you can't seem to shake what is arguably a minor slight. You ask yourself, Am I being too sensitive? Well, are you? Mark Leary, professor emeritus of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, says sometimes, seemingly insignificant snubs are effective at getting under our skin because they send a signal that we don't matter. 'It conveys that I don't have a whole lot of relational value to you,' he says. 'You don't value your connection with me, because if you did, you'd treat me better than this.' Certain people are more sensitive to these upsets than others, Leary says, while others can easily brush them off. Vox Culture Culture reflects society. Get our best explainers on everything from money to entertainment to what everyone is talking about online. Email (required) Sign Up By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice . This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. The eternally-sensitive among us are equipped with, essentially, more emotional information-tracking sensors, according to Kelly Guynes, a licensed clinical social worker and the clinical director at the DBT Center of Houston. 'The more 'sensors' you have,' she says, 'the more data you're getting, meaning you feel the world more deeply, more intensely.' As a result, you may be more emotionally reactive. A movie that a friend thinks is merely sad could leave you in tears. You can ruminate for hours about an eyeroll from an acquaintance at a party. 'The world keeps going and I'm getting hit and hit and hit, so I never have the time, or even have learned any skills, to bring myself back to a baseline.' Without effective coping strategies, a lifetime of mini-hurts can compound. 'Maybe one friend hasn't texted me back yet, and I'm ruminating about it, and then my coworker gives me some constructive criticism, and then the vet bill was way more expensive than I thought it was going to be,' Guynes says. 'The world keeps going and I'm getting hit and hit and hit, so I never have the time, or even have learned any skills, to bring myself back to a baseline.' Being more attuned to our emotions isn't necessarily a bad thing. But if you're constantly offended or walking around with hurt feelings, it may disrupt the ability to connect with others. Your triggers may be totally perplexing to those who aren't inside your head. So, why do some people have heightened emotional awareness? What can they do about it? The role of nature and nurture The degree to which someone is emotionally sensitive can be completely out of their control. Some people are genetically predisposed to bigger feelings and have an extremely sensitive temperament, Guynes says. As a baby, they may have been harder to soothe and more affected by light, sound, and people. They may grow up into highly sensitive people — a personality trait associated with greater emotional and environmental reactivity. They're more attuned to noises, smells, and temperature, as well as social cues. (There is an online self-assessment, developed by the psychologist who first began studying highly sensitive people, to determine where on the sensitivity scale you fall.) They probably have been told at one point or another to grow thicker skin or that they're overreacting, says Audrey Kao, a therapist and registered social worker. But life experiences also impact the way you interact with and perceive others. A history of neglect or trauma as a child and past experiences of rejection may cause someone to develop rejection sensitivity — the expectation and anxiety around being burned again in the future. When a friend makes a joke at your expense, these fears are activated, 'and any behavior that remotely resembles rejection is going to be perceived as rejection,' says Ozlem Ayduk, a psychology professor at University of California, Berkeley. The desire to matter Because value and acceptance are at the root of a sensitive person's hurt feelings, they may be overly motivated to make a good impression on everyone they encounter. Some people crave the approval of many, from strangers online to their closest confidants. Others are perfectly satisfied knowing they can't please everyone and only care about the opinions of a smaller group of treasured connections. The more someone yearns for acceptance from another person, 'the more you're going to have your antennas up for any indication that other people may not care,' Leary says. Therefore, your ego might be more easily bruised when the barista doesn't remember your name because it's important to your self-worth that you're significant to them. The reality is, we can't be adored by everyone. Instead, Leary says, it can be helpful to be more discerning about whose opinions really matter. How valued and accepted you believe you are influences your reactions to perceived social slights. When people feel valued and cared for, they're better able to brush off, for instance, snide remarks from their in-laws. 'But if you perceive that your relationships and connections in your life are tenuous,' Leary says, 'you're going to be a little bit more worried about indications that you're running out of connections with other people.' 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If your feelings are constantly hurt by benign comments, people might stop hanging out with you, only reinforcing your fears. Ayduk is currently studying whether it's possible to break this cycle with a little self-awareness. If you know that your sensitivity can actually push people away, can you change? 'I don't know the answer yet,' Ayduk says, 'but I think just knowing is probably not enough. But knowing and then learning some skills,' like not assuming the worst, may potentially help. Reality may not be as calamitous as the story you've drafted in your head. According to Ayduk and Leary, it's helpful to remind yourself that you have a tendency to jump to the worst possible conclusion: that your friend hates you, that your neighbor thinks you're rude, that acquaintance would rather do anything else than talk to you at a party. Reality may not be as calamitous as the story you've drafted in your head. 'Maybe my mom's just having a bad day, and she doesn't feel good,' Leary says. 'But when she snaps at me, I assume it has something to do with our relationship, and it may have nothing to do with that at all.' Then, ask yourself if the perceived wrongdoing is significant in the long run, Leary says. Is your mom's short temper fleeting or is it an indication of a larger issue in the relationship? Sure, she shouldn't have snapped, but maybe this is a rare occurrence. In which case, you may decide it's not worth bringing up your hurt feelings with her. 'This is not an effort to eliminate entirely your concerns,' Leary says. 'It's just a way to try to make sure that you're not over-blowing it [out of proportion] before you think about how you should respond.' Thinking through the significance of the rebuff allows you to slow down and take a considered approach if you do decide to say something. Airing your concerns like an adult features a few gold standards you've likely heard about by now: Use 'I' statements, calmly explain why you're hurt, invite the other person to weigh in. All that applies here, too. It's much better to say, 'I've noticed you snapped at me a few times over the past few days. Is there something I'm doing wrong?' rather than, 'Are you really going to lash out at me again? I'm done.' How the other person responds is on them. They might not have realized they hurt your feelings. They may also accuse you of overreacting. If they're a more distant relation — like an acquaintance or coworker — you might need to be more guarded around them in the future and try to move on, Kao says. For closer ties, the dismissal of your feelings can be incredibly deflating, she continues. 'It's fair game to say to them,' Kao says, ''That's really invalidating and it makes me feel like my feelings are unimportant and I need to feel like my feelings are important to you.''
Vox
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Am I actually 'too sensitive'?
Everything could be going fine until one inconsequential comment, one offhand remark ruins your day. Your mother casually criticizes you. A coworker offers unsolicited feedback on a presentation. A friend asks for everyone's opinion on where to host their birthday dinner, except yours. The infraction rolls over and over in your mind: What did they mean by that? I'm an idiot, right? Why would they do that? Hours, days, even weeks can pass and, still, you can't seem to shake what is arguably a minor slight. You ask yourself, Am I being too sensitive? Well, are you? Mark Leary, professor emeritus of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, says sometimes, seemingly insignificant snubs are effective at getting under our skin because they send a signal that we don't matter. 'It conveys that I don't have a whole lot of relational value to you,' he says. 'You don't value your connection with me, because if you did, you'd treat me better than this.' 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You can ruminate for hours about an eyeroll from an acquaintance at a party. 'The world keeps going and I'm getting hit and hit and hit, so I never have the time, or even have learned any skills, to bring myself back to a baseline.' Without effective coping strategies, a lifetime of mini-hurts can compound. 'Maybe one friend hasn't texted me back yet, and I'm ruminating about it, and then my coworker gives me some constructive criticism, and then the vet bill was way more expensive than I thought it was going to be,' Guynes says. 'The world keeps going and I'm getting hit and hit and hit, so I never have the time, or even have learned any skills, to bring myself back to a baseline.' Being more attuned to our emotions isn't necessarily a bad thing. But if you're constantly offended or walking around with hurt feelings, it may disrupt the ability to connect with others. Your triggers may be totally perplexing to those who aren't inside your head. So, why do some people have heightened emotional awareness? What can they do about it? The role of nature and nurture The degree to which someone is emotionally sensitive can be completely out of their control. Some people are genetically predisposed to bigger feelings and have an extremely sensitive temperament, Guynes says. As a baby, they may have been harder to soothe and more affected by light, sound, and people. They may grow up into highly sensitive people — a personality trait associated with greater emotional and environmental reactivity. They're more attuned to noises, smells, and temperature, as well as social cues. (There is an online self-assessment, developed by the psychologist who first began studying highly sensitive people, to determine where on the sensitivity scale you fall.) They probably have been told at one point or another to grow thicker skin or that they're overreacting, says Audrey Kao, a therapist and registered social worker. But life experiences also impact the way you interact with and perceive others. A history of neglect or trauma as a child and past experiences of rejection may cause someone to develop rejection sensitivity — the expectation and anxiety around being burned again in the future. When a friend makes a joke at your expense, these fears are activated, 'and any behavior that remotely resembles rejection is going to be perceived as rejection,' says Ozlem Ayduk, a psychology professor at University of California, Berkeley. The desire to matter Because value and acceptance are at the root of a sensitive person's hurt feelings, they may be overly motivated to make a good impression on everyone they encounter. Some people crave the approval of many, from strangers online to their closest confidants. Others are perfectly satisfied knowing they can't please everyone and only care about the opinions of a smaller group of treasured connections. The more someone yearns for acceptance from another person, 'the more you're going to have your antennas up for any indication that other people may not care,' Leary says. Therefore, your ego might be more easily bruised when the barista doesn't remember your name because it's important to your self-worth that you're significant to them. The reality is, we can't be adored by everyone. Instead, Leary says, it can be helpful to be more discerning about whose opinions really matter. How valued and accepted you believe you are influences your reactions to perceived social slights. When people feel valued and cared for, they're better able to brush off, for instance, snide remarks from their in-laws. 'But if you perceive that your relationships and connections in your life are tenuous,' Leary says, 'you're going to be a little bit more worried about indications that you're running out of connections with other people.' Those with low self-esteem might already feel undervalued and these comments only confirm their insecurities. 'We're going to take that comment more to heart,' Kao says, 'because it feels more personal.' How to be a little less sensitive If you suspect that your sensitivity is preventing you from having healthy relationships — because others are always upsetting you or you're afraid they might reject you — you may want to learn some strategies to blunt the pain. Because those sensitive to rejection are primed to see slights everywhere, they may jump to worst-case scenarios and, for lack of a better term, overreact, Ayduk says. But every social cue can't possibly be a sign of someone's negative feelings about you. If you believe every interaction is potentially threatening, you're way more likely to read it the wrong way, Ayduk says. Emotional and rejection sensitivity are sometimes self-fulfilling prophecies, Ayduk says. 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'But when she snaps at me, I assume it has something to do with our relationship, and it may have nothing to do with that at all.' Then, ask yourself if the perceived wrongdoing is significant in the long run, Leary says. Is your mom's short temper fleeting or is it an indication of a larger issue in the relationship? Sure, she shouldn't have snapped, but maybe this is a rare occurrence. In which case, you may decide it's not worth bringing up your hurt feelings with her. 'This is not an effort to eliminate entirely your concerns,' Leary says. 'It's just a way to try to make sure that you're not over-blowing it [out of proportion] before you think about how you should respond.' Thinking through the significance of the rebuff allows you to slow down and take a considered approach if you do decide to say something. Airing your concerns like an adult features a few gold standards you've likely heard about by now: Use 'I' statements, calmly explain why you're hurt, invite the other person to weigh in. All that applies here, too. It's much better to say, 'I've noticed you snapped at me a few times over the past few days. Is there something I'm doing wrong?' rather than, 'Are you really going to lash out at me again? I'm done.' How the other person responds is on them. They might not have realized they hurt your feelings. They may also accuse you of overreacting. If they're a more distant relation — like an acquaintance or coworker — you might need to be more guarded around them in the future and try to move on, Kao says. For closer ties, the dismissal of your feelings can be incredibly deflating, she continues. 'It's fair game to say to them,' Kao says, ''That's really invalidating and it makes me feel like my feelings are unimportant and I need to feel like my feelings are important to you.''
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