Try Ethan Kross's Methods to Manage Emotions in the Moment
I recently spoke with Ethan Kross, PhD, about his new book Shift—Managing Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You. Kross, an award-winning professor at the University of Michigan and Director of the Emotion and Self Control Laboratory, is also the author of the bestseller Chatter; he's an expert on emotion regulation. His research has been featured on CBS Evening News and Good Morning America, as well as in The Wall Street Journal, The New Yorker, and many other outlets.
How do you keep your emotions from getting the best of you? Is there a quick fix? According to Kross, no; however, you can learn to regulate your emotions in the moment and make a plan to not be bested by intense feeling. Kross said there is no one size fits all tool for emotional regulation. Rather, he encourages readers to keep an open mind and try many different tools.
Kross and I discussed methods and modalities you can keep in mind when you need to refocus and emotionally regulate in difficult situations.
The WOOP self-regulation plan.
If you're prone to reactivity, working a plan for emotional regulation can help you in moments when you are overwhelmed. Kross says implementing this plan pays dividends. He uses the framework 'Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan' (or WOOP) to assess any emotional challenge:
W-Wish: Write down a wish or a goal that is important to you and within the realm of possibility
O-Outcome: How will it feel when you accomplish this? Write it down.
O-Obstacle: What are issues in your path keeping you from success? List them.
P-Plan: The action you are going to take when you face this obstacle. Write how you will keep moving despite obstacles.
Inevitably, you will face barriers as you pursue the things that are important to you. A WOOP plan allows you to not be thrown off or overly disheartened when you face setbacks. Remember that you have an action plan; feel your feelings, then work the plan.
Mentally time travel.
Worst-case scenario thinking can translate into rumination. Rumination can quickly lead to shame: thoughts such as 'Why is this happening?' or 'I should be past this point by now.' To break this cycle, you must "flip the switch," says Kross, through mental time travel. To mentally time travel, imagine how you will feel in a month, after you are out of the woods with this particular situation. Realize that whatever you are facing will pass. When you can connect with a feeling of certainty, you allow yourself to access solutions for how you will get through the current moment. Another way of mentally time traveling is looking backward; how have you dealt with these situations in the past? You made it through those times; you'll make it through this rough patch as well.
Seek quick relief.
When emotions are overwhelming you, reach for quick relief. Reset your emotional state. You can do this by listening to your favorite song on repeat, changing your space (go to your local coffee shop, for example), or by mentally time traveling. Kross shares a story about an interaction he had with his daughter. His daughter Dani played soccer; one Saturday on the way to a game, Dani was sitting in the backseat, surly. Emotions are contagious; Kross said his daughter's bad mood was also bringing him down. Then, one of Kross's favorite songs came on the radio. He and his daughter started singing along; when he looked to the back seat of the car, Dani was smiling and happy. When they got to the field, Dani was happy and ready to play. (Thanks, Journey!)
A good song on the radio, a quick dance break—these mood lifters don't take much time, but they can change the tenor of your day. Kross advises readers to take advantage of these resets.
Talk it out.
Don't wrestle with a difficult situation in isolation. Talk through your issue with someone you trust. However, be careful with whom you share, says Kross; you want someone who will be empathetic, affirming, and solution-oriented—not someone who will cause you to despair more. Seek someone who is not in the same emotional straits as you. Be clear in your intent; say that you would like to share the facets of what is bothering you, and you're sharing because you'd like help seeing the situation differently. You don't want just to keep talking and talking—you want to come to a resolution.
Kross shares that there are many different ways to manage your emotions and regulate. Leverage the tools in Shift so you can flip the switch so that you see the situation in a different light.
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