Can you prove to Trump you're not anti-American? An (absurd) immigration checklist
And that got us thinking. If U.S. Customs and Border Patrol agents are the ones deciding whether you stay or go, what will they be considering?
Is the applicant's social media free of rainbows? Come on in. Do they have preferred pronouns? The exit is that way. What about the person's car — is it (more or less) American made? A positive sign.
Yes, this is a serious matter. But measuring anti-American-ness? That's a joke. U.S. immigration officers have always used their discretion to award citizenship and other benefits to people born outside the country. It's unclear what will actually change under the updated immigration policy manual, though 'Anti-American activity will be an overwhelmingly negative factor in any discretionary analysis,' U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services wrote in a Tuesday news release.
The guidelines target 'anti-American ideologies' but don't describe what they are, which is the problem. That will be in the eyes of the beholder — and the beholder being the Trump administration, we can imagine how that might turn out.
Given that the new guidance also includes 'social media vetting,' we encourage officers to print out the following checklist, which we're sure will please the president and his top aide/anti-immigration zealot Stephen Miller:
Does this future patriot drive a truck that does no more than 5 mpg of beautiful fossil fuel? Approve. Did the wannabe American show up to the immigration interview in a Prius or electrical vehicle? (Please consult your supervisor regarding the status of Tesla, as the president and Elon Musk may still patch things up.) Deny. Send applicants straight to Alligator Alcatraz if they rode a bike, because this is America, not Europe.Was the future model citizen spotted at the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021? Approve. Has this ungrateful person posted anything complaining about the cost of groceries since Jan. 20, 2025 — because 'inflation is down to a perfect, beautiful number,' the president has to constantly remind us? Deny. Does this soon-to-be great American thank the president every day for protecting us from mail ballots, windmills, foreign invaders and paper straws? Approve — immediately.
With this list, USCIS officers will be sure to ensure that whoever is allowed in the country has pledged their allegiance not only to America but to a particular ideology that the president has decided is the only one acceptable. Whoever disagrees should not be granted the privilege of American citizenship, does not belong in the Smithsonian museums or in the federal government, especially if they will produce any jobs reports that make Trump's economy look bad.
And if you find the above list absurd, it's because it is meant to be. These are, in fact, absurd times.
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