How I stopped feeling insecure when my partner didn't orgasm
Looking up at Barry's* face, I noticed a bead of sweat running down his forehead.
We'd been having sex in the same position for nearly 30 minutes; Barry looked exhausted and ready to give up – and he wasn't the only one.
But I didn't want to be the one to throw the towel in, so I waited patiently until he himself finally admitted what we both knew – the orgasm wasn't coming.
We'd tried a lot of different things to help Barry climax – oral sex, mutual masturbation and a variety of positions – but nothing had worked.
You might think this would be a crisis – an event that prompted some serious introspection. But we had known each other for a while and weren't bothered.
'Don't stress it,' I told him, adding, 'Next time'.
And that's what I want men and women to realise – it's simply not a big deal, for either party, not to finish every time.
While it is true that there's an 'orgasm gap' between genders – with women having far fewer orgasms during sex – it is equally true that men can also struggle to 'get there'.
Love reading juicy stories like this? Need some tips for how to spice things up in the bedroom?
Sign up to The Hook-Up and we'll slide into your inbox every week with all the latest sex and dating stories from Metro. We can't wait for you to join us!
A 2022 study showed that only 30% of women have an orgasm every time they have sex, and while the number for men was far higher at 61%, there still was far from a perfect success rate.
And there are lots of reasons for that, from stress, to medication side effects, or simply just personal preference.
Nowadays, I know not to take it badly if a man can't climax, but back in my early 20s, I wasn't quite so informed.
Like with Derek*, a man I was sleeping with back then.
He was tall and strong – and had a sexual stamina like nothing I'd ever experienced.
There was just one issue: He took a very long time to orgasm, if he did at all.
I'm not shaming my former lover but you see, Derek was large in more ways than one, meaning our hours-long sessions would start to get pretty painful for me.
Because our situation was quite new and we were quite young, we didn't talk about this in any big detail.
However, Derek acknowledged that he knew that it took him 'forever' to ejaculate.
To borrow his own words, 'It's always been this way for me, I just need more time than most guys.'
Eventually, the fact that Derek was so at ease with his own personal orgasm gap made me relax, too.
Sometimes he came, sometimes he didn't – but it didn't stop us from having great sex.
If my vagina felt a bit sensitive after a while, we would swap penetrative sex for something else or stop altogether.
But not every experience has been quite this easy.
I've been with men who went cold if I even mentioned them struggling to orgasm, even if I reassured them we were having great sex.
Some of them didn't acknowledge that anything was amiss, while others just shrugged it off without speaking.
Of course, if you are discussing someone else's orgasms, no matter their gender, it's crucial not to sound accusatory or judgemental.
Stay away from phrases like 'Why can't you cum?' or, 'It's me, isn't it?'.
That's easier said than done. Believe me, I understand that it can be stressful and anxiety-inducing if you are giving someone your A game and there's no 'end result'.
But remember this: Some people, men included, are happy just enjoying the sensations of sex and consider this a 'win' in itself.
Secondly, and much more importantly, don't assume you know why someone doesn't orgasm.
One ex once told me that he'd had a long day at work and he really enjoyed our sex, but he was too distracted that night to climax.
Another lover had been working hard outdoors all day, and in a number of ways simply didn't have the juice.
My current boyfriend doesn't always orgasm during sex either – but there's no nefarious reason behind it.
Sometimes, Alex prefers for just me to climax, because he finds it as rewarding as if he'd cum himself.
Other times, we both like having lazy, slow sex that is about us feeling close and connected, not rushing to an imaginary finish line.
Despite being quite confident in myself and our sex life, even now I admit that I have occasionally wondered if perhaps I've not done 'enough' to help him reach the 'Big O'.
There's no shame in feeling insecure – it happens to all us, even the bold, confident sex columnists of the world.
But when this happens to me, I do the same thing every time: I ask Alex for reassurance – and he confirms what I already know.
Him choosing not to pursue an orgasm at all costs has nothing to do with my sexual skills or attractiveness. More Trending
Nothing is 'wrong'. Like me, he sometimes just 'doesn't feel like having an orgasm'.
It's all about communication.
So let's all stop worrying, and enjoy our sex lives, whatever the outcome.
View More »
Names have been changed
Do you have a story you'd like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
MORE: I can be myself in the UK – but now I can't go home
MORE: JK Rowling has alienated trans people – and now her famous friends
MORE: 'I was the first person to survive rabies without a vaccination'
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Metro
15 hours ago
- Metro
The weird and wonderful ways you can cure a Glastonbury hangover
Glastonbury begins in a few days – are you fully prepared? (Picture: Shutterstock) Festival season is in full swing, with Britain's most famous festival set to kick off later this week. Glastonbury begins Wednesday, June 25 and wraps up on Sunday, June 29 at Worthy Farm in Somerset. As thousands prepare to reach the farm and millions of others prepare plans for other festivals, new research has revealed some of the weird post-festival fatigue cures attendees are using. Remedies range from an old-fashioned fry-up to hair of the dog to other more spiritual solutions. 27% of Millennials and Gen Z said they've tried aromatherapy and essential oils to recover after the music festival. Sign up for all of the latest stories Start your day informed with Metro's News Updates newsletter or get Breaking News alerts the moment it happens. Another 21% admitted to trying raw eggs, and 17% swear by crystal healing for a 'quick fix'. Despite trying some rather unusual tactics, 59% of those surveyed by Just Eat found the methods didn't always succeed. But what works? Some festival goers swear by raw eggs (Picture: Getty) Dr Amos Ogunkoya has helped launch 'Festival Aid Kits' to help Brits recover effectively, delivered to their door. He explained: 'After festivals, our bodies need a lot of conscious recovery, repair, and TLC. 'It's all about prioritising self-care after days of late nights, too much sun, and non-stop socialising, but many of us struggle to find solutions that actually stick.' Nearly half of all festival-goers admitted they've never felt worse than the day after their return – and the average festival recovery time is two days. Just Eat has partnered with Boots and Co-op to create Festival SOS aisles on the app. Items include Dr Amos' elite recovery aid – a tin of baked beans. Time is truly the only thing to heal a hangover (Picture: Shutterstock) Festival fiends are starting to realise the benefits too, as 14% of Brits voted baked beans as an absolute staple when returning home. Whilst the humble store-cupboard staple might not seem like it has healing powers, according to Dr Amos, the high-fibre, plant protein-rich nature of baked beans helps with slow energy release, which is great for combating fatigue, as well as supporting gut health. Another ingredient? Pickled beetroot. Besides being packed with vitamins and minerals, the fermentation process behind pickling produces probiotics to help boost the immune system and gut health recovery. Though beetroot itself is healthy, the juice it is pickled in can also reduce fatigue – 18% of Brits admitted to drinking pickle juice for a post-festival fix. Other hero recovery hacks in the kit include Lemon & Ginger Tea – a secret weapon in combatting feelings of nausea post-festival, DioraHydrate Effervescent Tablets to help replenish lost electrolytes after heat exposure. Back & Muscle Pain Relief Gel – an essential after trekking around with heavy rucksacks and sleeping on uneven campsite ground, and a Moisture Bomb Revitalising Tissue Mask also help bring a moment of self-care calm after the festival chaos. Get in touch with our news team by emailing us at webnews@ For more stories like this, check our news page. Arrow MORE: 10 of London's best rooftop bars for summer Arrow MORE: Does drinking alcohol in the sun really get you drunk faster? A doctor shares their verdict Arrow MORE: 'I'm walking 192 miles to Glastonbury 25 years after going with my famous parents'
Metro
19 hours ago
- Metro
How I stopped feeling insecure when my partner didn't orgasm
Looking up at Barry's* face, I noticed a bead of sweat running down his forehead. We'd been having sex in the same position for nearly 30 minutes; Barry looked exhausted and ready to give up – and he wasn't the only one. But I didn't want to be the one to throw the towel in, so I waited patiently until he himself finally admitted what we both knew – the orgasm wasn't coming. We'd tried a lot of different things to help Barry climax – oral sex, mutual masturbation and a variety of positions – but nothing had worked. You might think this would be a crisis – an event that prompted some serious introspection. But we had known each other for a while and weren't bothered. 'Don't stress it,' I told him, adding, 'Next time'. And that's what I want men and women to realise – it's simply not a big deal, for either party, not to finish every time. While it is true that there's an 'orgasm gap' between genders – with women having far fewer orgasms during sex – it is equally true that men can also struggle to 'get there'. Love reading juicy stories like this? Need some tips for how to spice things up in the bedroom? Sign up to The Hook-Up and we'll slide into your inbox every week with all the latest sex and dating stories from Metro. We can't wait for you to join us! A 2022 study showed that only 30% of women have an orgasm every time they have sex, and while the number for men was far higher at 61%, there still was far from a perfect success rate. And there are lots of reasons for that, from stress, to medication side effects, or simply just personal preference. Nowadays, I know not to take it badly if a man can't climax, but back in my early 20s, I wasn't quite so informed. Like with Derek*, a man I was sleeping with back then. He was tall and strong – and had a sexual stamina like nothing I'd ever experienced. There was just one issue: He took a very long time to orgasm, if he did at all. I'm not shaming my former lover but you see, Derek was large in more ways than one, meaning our hours-long sessions would start to get pretty painful for me. Because our situation was quite new and we were quite young, we didn't talk about this in any big detail. However, Derek acknowledged that he knew that it took him 'forever' to ejaculate. To borrow his own words, 'It's always been this way for me, I just need more time than most guys.' Eventually, the fact that Derek was so at ease with his own personal orgasm gap made me relax, too. Sometimes he came, sometimes he didn't – but it didn't stop us from having great sex. If my vagina felt a bit sensitive after a while, we would swap penetrative sex for something else or stop altogether. But not every experience has been quite this easy. I've been with men who went cold if I even mentioned them struggling to orgasm, even if I reassured them we were having great sex. Some of them didn't acknowledge that anything was amiss, while others just shrugged it off without speaking. Of course, if you are discussing someone else's orgasms, no matter their gender, it's crucial not to sound accusatory or judgemental. Stay away from phrases like 'Why can't you cum?' or, 'It's me, isn't it?'. That's easier said than done. Believe me, I understand that it can be stressful and anxiety-inducing if you are giving someone your A game and there's no 'end result'. But remember this: Some people, men included, are happy just enjoying the sensations of sex and consider this a 'win' in itself. Secondly, and much more importantly, don't assume you know why someone doesn't orgasm. One ex once told me that he'd had a long day at work and he really enjoyed our sex, but he was too distracted that night to climax. Another lover had been working hard outdoors all day, and in a number of ways simply didn't have the juice. My current boyfriend doesn't always orgasm during sex either – but there's no nefarious reason behind it. Sometimes, Alex prefers for just me to climax, because he finds it as rewarding as if he'd cum himself. Other times, we both like having lazy, slow sex that is about us feeling close and connected, not rushing to an imaginary finish line. Despite being quite confident in myself and our sex life, even now I admit that I have occasionally wondered if perhaps I've not done 'enough' to help him reach the 'Big O'. There's no shame in feeling insecure – it happens to all us, even the bold, confident sex columnists of the world. But when this happens to me, I do the same thing every time: I ask Alex for reassurance – and he confirms what I already know. Him choosing not to pursue an orgasm at all costs has nothing to do with my sexual skills or attractiveness. More Trending Nothing is 'wrong'. Like me, he sometimes just 'doesn't feel like having an orgasm'. It's all about communication. So let's all stop worrying, and enjoy our sex lives, whatever the outcome. View More » Names have been changed Do you have a story you'd like to share? Get in touch by emailing Share your views in the comments below. MORE: I can be myself in the UK – but now I can't go home MORE: JK Rowling has alienated trans people – and now her famous friends MORE: 'I was the first person to survive rabies without a vaccination'
Metro
a day ago
- Metro
Feeling impulsive? This is how the warm weather is affecting your brain
The UK is melting, with heatwave highs of 33°C temperatures predicted by Saturday. Yes, we know that other countries have greater burdens to bear, but the hot weather 'hits different' here, with Met Office spokesperson Stephen Dixon telling Metro: 'Meteorologically, the UK air tends to be more humid compared to that in continental Europe. High humidity can make it harder for sweat to evaporate, which is how we naturally cool ourselves down.' The impact? Your body – and crucially, your brain – is under greater strain, leading to everything from sluggishness to poor impluse control. 'The temperature that the body needs to stay within is an unbelievably narrow window,' consultant neurologist, Dr Steve Allder, tells Metro. 'If your temperature rises from 37C to 41C there's a very good chance that it would kill you. Similarly, if it dropped from 37C to 33C, you would really start to struggle. 'The body really has to work hard to keep our temperature in a tight range, especially in hot weather, and that then takes energy away from the brain.' A&E doctor, Dr Mark Cox tells Metro: 'When you're hot, your body is in a constant state of thermoregulation (keeping your temperature stable). 'This burns energy and diverts blood flow toward the skin to release heat, which means less energy and oxygen get to your brain.' 'You'll notice it in things like memory lapses, poor concentration and slower decision-making,' Dr Mark says. And while we all might find ourselves getting a bit, well, aggy, in hot weather, Dr Mark says that's to do with your brain too. Dr Sameer Sanghvi, GP at Lloyds Pharmacy Online Doctor, warns that hot weather can be particularly dangerous for people taking antidepressants. He explains: 'Common antidepressants can all stop the temperature-regulating area of the brain from functioning as it should. Serotonin-noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors(SNRIS) and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIS) are some of the most commonly prescribed antidepressants.' If you are prescribed these antidepressants, Dr Sanghvi warns not to suddenly stop taking them. 'You should always consult your doctor before making changes to your mental health medication,' he adds. 'The best thing you can do is take precautions to stay cool: stick to the shade; drink plenty of fluids and avoid alcohol.' 'Heat can amplify reactivity in the brain's emotion centre, the amygdala, and reduce the calming influence of the parasympathetic nervous system,' says Dr Mark, co-founder of Orli Health. More Trending 'That makes people more prone to irritability, impulsiveness and even aggression.' For those with existing neurological conditions, warm weather can cause these symptoms to worsen. Dr Steve, who works at Re: Cognition, says that those with multiple sclerosis, for example, 'will have far less resilience' to cope with temperature changes. He adds: 'This is also true for something like migraines. People find that they get more migraines when it gets hot.' If your body can't cool itself down, you risk developing heat exhaustion, which could progress to heat stroke if left untreated, a life-threatening condition. Dr Allder says that those doing prolonged exercise in the sun should be careful of developing heat stroke, especially if they're not taking in enough fluids. He adds: 'Make sure to stop if you feel lightheaded or woozy.' To protect yourself from the temperature changes, Dr Allder advises avoiding the sun, hydrating and resting. Most adults should aim to drink at least six to eight glasses a day (around 1.5-2 litres), but Dr Allder advises getting an extra 500ml to 1 litre per day. According to the NHS, the signs of heat exhaustion include: Weakness Tiredness Dizziness Headache Feeling sick or being sick Excessive sweating and skin becoming pale and clammy, or getting a rash Cramps in the arms, legs and stomach Fast breathing or heartbeat A high temperature Being very thirsty If someone is showing signs of heat exhaustion, they need to be cooled won and given fluids, the NHS website says. Heat exhaustion does not usually need medical help if you can cool down within 30 minutes. However, if it turns into heatstroke, it needs to be treated as an emergency. Do you have a story to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@ View More » MORE: Wildfire warning issued for London after city reaches 32°C MORE: Teen struck by lightning at famed park as freak thunderstorm hit New York City MORE: London's best lidos, ponds and outdoor pools to beat the heatwave Your free newsletter guide to the best London has on offer, from drinks deals to restaurant reviews.
