
Asking Eric: Son suddenly cut me out of his life
Dear Eric: Five years ago, on Mother's Day, my adult son suddenly cut me out of his life. He told me he no longer wanted contact because he didn't like the way he was raised and considered me a negative presence. I didn't agree with his reasons, but I respected his choice. I've honored his no-contact request ever since.
I've never reached out to him directly, except once early on to his wife, and when one of my grandchildren turned 18, I sent a short letter letting him know I loved him and that now he could choose for himself, as an adult, whether to have a relationship with me. I didn't hear back, but I plan to do the same for the others when they come of age.
My question is: if I become terminally ill – or find myself on my deathbed – would it be wrong to send my son a letter asking if he'd want to be notified when the time comes? Or would that be crossing a line, even in the face of death? When I had cancer a few years ago, I didn't contact him, but I did tell my daughter to let him know if I passed. Thankfully, I made it through, but I know I'm living on borrowed time.
– A Mother Who Still Loves Her Son
Dear Mother: I'm sorry that it's come to this between you and your son. Estrangement is so hard and can be so confusing. I'm curious, however, if there's a deeper need that you're trying to address with this question. It's clear that your son's decision is painful and you feel helpless to fix it. And so, the mind naturally goes to a scenario that might get a response. But getting his permission to notify him in the event of your death is not going to fully satisfy you.
What you're reaching for is a connection with your son. Or, at the least, reassurance that there is still something left in your relationship. Both are understandable. And I believe that's something you'll need to address in life.
Your son doesn't need to give you permission to have someone notify him when you pass. It's also possible he wouldn't respond to that letter either, which would make you feel worse. Your daughter has already agreed to do it, and I can't see why she wouldn't follow through. Also, if you have a will, he'd be contacted by the executor of your estate.
If you want to reset or repair your relationship because of your sense of borrowed time, you should. Now, that might involve some deeper soul-searching, some work with a counselor or some amends. And you have to go into acknowledging that your son still may not respond at all. But do the work you can in life; it will provide you more comfort.
Dear Eric: When my husband and I disagree, the fight often comes down to him saying, 'You just look for reasons to be mad at me.'
It is so demeaning to me.
And it relieves him from responsibility: because if my grievances are simply imaginary, he doesn't need to do anything.
We don't have many disagreements, but neither do we make progress when they happen.
I wish for some more understanding. Can you provide some advice?
– Tired of Fighting
Dear Tired: You're right on the money: it takes any onus off of him and makes his behavior your responsibility, and your problem. It's helpful, in a calm moment, to communicate this to him using 'I' statements. Explain how it feels when he says it, and how you wish it to be different.
Now, the big caveat is that you may say that even this is a reason you're finding to be mad at him. Here's the thing about being mad at a partner: sometimes you really don't have to go looking for it. And that can be OK – we're human; we don't always see eye to eye. But if he can't acknowledge your feelings as valid, even if he doesn't agree, he's giving you another reason to be mad. And worse, he's undermining you.
This is an unhealthy way to argue. Many couples benefit from tackling this issue in couples' therapy. It may seem a little backwards to go into therapy with the stated desire to argue better. But therapy isn't always about getting you to a place where you never argue. It's about getting you to a place where, when arguments happen, they're rooted in clear, productive communication, so that you can move through it, rather than getting stuck in it.
He's latching on to a narrative about you that is getting both of you stuck. Talking about your process for disagreement with a therapist will help untangle the narrative and write a new one.
Hashtags

Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles


Chicago Tribune
a day ago
- Chicago Tribune
Asking Eric: Son suddenly cut me out of his life
Dear Eric: Five years ago, on Mother's Day, my adult son suddenly cut me out of his life. He told me he no longer wanted contact because he didn't like the way he was raised and considered me a negative presence. I didn't agree with his reasons, but I respected his choice. I've honored his no-contact request ever since. I've never reached out to him directly, except once early on to his wife, and when one of my grandchildren turned 18, I sent a short letter letting him know I loved him and that now he could choose for himself, as an adult, whether to have a relationship with me. I didn't hear back, but I plan to do the same for the others when they come of age. My question is: if I become terminally ill – or find myself on my deathbed – would it be wrong to send my son a letter asking if he'd want to be notified when the time comes? Or would that be crossing a line, even in the face of death? When I had cancer a few years ago, I didn't contact him, but I did tell my daughter to let him know if I passed. Thankfully, I made it through, but I know I'm living on borrowed time. – A Mother Who Still Loves Her Son Dear Mother: I'm sorry that it's come to this between you and your son. Estrangement is so hard and can be so confusing. I'm curious, however, if there's a deeper need that you're trying to address with this question. It's clear that your son's decision is painful and you feel helpless to fix it. And so, the mind naturally goes to a scenario that might get a response. But getting his permission to notify him in the event of your death is not going to fully satisfy you. What you're reaching for is a connection with your son. Or, at the least, reassurance that there is still something left in your relationship. Both are understandable. And I believe that's something you'll need to address in life. Your son doesn't need to give you permission to have someone notify him when you pass. It's also possible he wouldn't respond to that letter either, which would make you feel worse. Your daughter has already agreed to do it, and I can't see why she wouldn't follow through. Also, if you have a will, he'd be contacted by the executor of your estate. If you want to reset or repair your relationship because of your sense of borrowed time, you should. Now, that might involve some deeper soul-searching, some work with a counselor or some amends. And you have to go into acknowledging that your son still may not respond at all. But do the work you can in life; it will provide you more comfort. Dear Eric: When my husband and I disagree, the fight often comes down to him saying, 'You just look for reasons to be mad at me.' It is so demeaning to me. And it relieves him from responsibility: because if my grievances are simply imaginary, he doesn't need to do anything. We don't have many disagreements, but neither do we make progress when they happen. I wish for some more understanding. Can you provide some advice? – Tired of Fighting Dear Tired: You're right on the money: it takes any onus off of him and makes his behavior your responsibility, and your problem. It's helpful, in a calm moment, to communicate this to him using 'I' statements. Explain how it feels when he says it, and how you wish it to be different. Now, the big caveat is that you may say that even this is a reason you're finding to be mad at him. Here's the thing about being mad at a partner: sometimes you really don't have to go looking for it. And that can be OK – we're human; we don't always see eye to eye. But if he can't acknowledge your feelings as valid, even if he doesn't agree, he's giving you another reason to be mad. And worse, he's undermining you. This is an unhealthy way to argue. Many couples benefit from tackling this issue in couples' therapy. It may seem a little backwards to go into therapy with the stated desire to argue better. But therapy isn't always about getting you to a place where you never argue. It's about getting you to a place where, when arguments happen, they're rooted in clear, productive communication, so that you can move through it, rather than getting stuck in it. He's latching on to a narrative about you that is getting both of you stuck. Talking about your process for disagreement with a therapist will help untangle the narrative and write a new one.


Washington Post
a day ago
- Washington Post
Asking Eric: Mother unsure whether to contact estranged son
Dear Eric: Five years ago, on Mother's Day, my adult son suddenly cut me out of his life. He told me he no longer wanted contact because he didn't like the way he was raised and considered me a negative presence. I didn't agree with his reasons, but I respected his choice. I've honored his no-contact request ever since.


Chicago Tribune
2 days ago
- Chicago Tribune
Asking Eric: My husband smells
Dear Eric: I've been married for a few decades to someone who lacks self-awareness about the impact of his choice not to shower for several days, sometimes more than a week. He doesn't even shower after he works out/runs. He also wears the same underwear for days at a time. When I tell him he smells he says he can't smell anything. Believe me, he smells. He seems not to care or believe what I tell him about good hygiene practices. Maybe if he hears your opinion on the matter of good hygiene for men it might crack open a willingness to change. – Keeping the Windows Open Dear Windows: If he doesn't heed your comments about his body odor, as someone who loves him and lives with him, I doubt he cares what I think. But here's the facts: personal hygiene is personal, but one's personal hygiene practices impact those around them. This is true of people who don't bathe and also people who are fastidious about bathing and douse themselves in cologne, and everyone else in between. We don't live in bubbles (metaphorically, or in your husband's case, perhaps literally). Beyond the odor issue, is there a communication problem here? Because if you're telling him about an aspect of your shared life that's causing you problems (and, frankly, a health concern), and he's dismissing it, what else is he dismissing? Are there other concerns of yours that he doesn't take seriously? I'm not trying to problematize your marriage. I hope this is the only issue you two have. However, when a spouse brings up an issue, it's always best for the couple to work together to find a solution. There's got to be a way for both of you to be happy and happily share a space. Dear Eric: The letter from 'Burning Questions, Not Hillsides', who was trying to keep a friend from smoking in their backyard, reminded me of a little decorative plaque I made and used to display in my home years ago. I was a young adult and mother in the 1970s and 1980s when smoking was still common. I do not recall if I created this little verse or if I read it somewhere. (My apologies to the author if I inadvertently plagiarized.) It read: 'Welcome to our non-smoking home. If you are seen smoking, we will assume that you are on fire and treat you accordingly.' I probably still have it packed away somewhere but thankfully would not need to display it in 2025. – Sign of the Times Dear Sign: I love a cheeky sign that also helpfully lets friends know how to be good guests. Dear Eric: I have a distant relationship with my brother as I am a gay man with a 'new thought' religion, both of which he says will send me to Hell. We communicate, mostly by email on birthdays and Christmas, but did get along well more than 10 years ago when our father passed and the estate was settled. I sent my nieces gifts on their birthdays and Christmas until they turned 18 and stopped thanking me. I've seen one niece in person in the last 20 years. Two of the nieces send Christmas wishes at times. I was invited to the wedding of a grandniece I've never met, probably at the urging of my sister-in-law, who would like to see my brother and I closer. My husband was not included in the invitation. I declined the invitation, stating we had booked a cruise at the time of the wedding. I will send a card. Of course, I lied about the cruise. Should I have attended as a way to get back into the family? They are my only living family save three cousins, two of which are fundamental Christians. I feel much closer to my husband's family who are welcoming and available. How do I handle another invitation? – Estranged Guest Dear Guest: Wedding invites are sometimes olive branches, but at other times they're simply social gestures that can take on outsized influence. While the invitation you received was kind, accepting it or future invites that feel more obligatory rather than genuine, may not serve you as well as reaching out to your family in a way that is safe for you. Let's talk about this practically: would you really have enjoyed this wedding, knowing few people and feeling that your husband had been excluded? I suspect you wouldn't have, which would have made it hard to have reconnecting conversations with your brother. Weddings are also not ideal times for those kinds of conversations. A card is the right move here. But if you want to be closer to your family, first figure out what your boundaries are (ideally in conversation with your husband), and then reach out.