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Five phrases parents should NEVER use if they want well-behaved children, according to kids psychologist

Daily Mail

40 minutes ago

Daily Mail

Five phrases parents should NEVER use if they want well-behaved children, according to kids psychologist

A child psychologist has revealed five phrases that parents should never use if they want well-behaved children. After years of research, parenting coach Reem Raouda has found that dealing with defiant children by making threats or harsh consequences isn't actually helpful, per CNBC. Instead, she recommended using phases that children actually want to listen to. She explained that certain terms such as 'Stop that' or threats like 'if you don't do this, then...' can actually trigger a fight-or-flight response in an argumentative child. Through research and raising her own children, Reem found five sentences that she believes will 'instantly make kids not want to listen.' The first phrase to never say is: 'Because I said so.' '"Because I said so" shuts down communication and teaches blind obedience,' she explained. Instead, Reem suggested a different way to approach it: 'I know you don't like this decision. I'll explain, and then we're moving forward.' The child psychologist explained that this works because 'explaining your reasoning helps the child feel respected.' 'You're not debating or negotiating - you're modeling respectful leadership,' she added. 'This phrasing acknowledges their feelings and reinforces that you're in charge in a calm, grounded way.' The second phrase that Reem found doesn't work as well as parents think is, 'If you don't listen, you'll lose [X privilege].' Instead, she suggested saying: 'When you're ready to do [X specific behavior], we can do [X desired activity].' Reem believes the changed phrase works better than the former because threats can create defiance and force kids into a defensive state. 'This phrase shifts the power dynamic: It keeps your boundary firm while giving your child agency over when they're ready to meet it. You're not removing the limit - you're removing the struggle,' she detailed. Another phrase she advised against was: 'Stop crying. You're fine.' For alternative language, Reem suggested saying: 'I see you're really upset. Tell me what's happening.' 'Dismissing a child's emotions teaches them that their feelings are wrong or too much to handle. Emotional invalidation leads to disconnection, and disconnected kids don't cooperate,' Reem explained. 'When a child feels heard, they calm down faster - and trust you more.' The fourth phrase Neem urged against was, 'How many times do I have to tell you?' Rather than proposing a question, she recommended saying: 'I've asked about this a few times. Help me understand what's making this hard for you.' Reem detailed: 'This frustrated question assumes the child is being intentionally difficult. 'But often, what looks like defiance is actually confusion, disconnection, or a lagging skill. 'The reframe invites problem-solving instead of blame - and that gets to the root of the issue.' The final phrase she said parents should never say was, 'You know better than that.' Instead, Reem recommended moms and days tell kids: 'Something's getting in the way of your best self right now. Let's talk about it.' '"You know better" shames the child and questions their integrity,' she shared. 'But the alternative phrase reflects a mindset shift - from punishment to partnership. 'It assumes the best in your child and encourages self-reflection instead of defensiveness. It sends the message: "I believe in you, and I'm here to help."' The child psychologist urged parents that the secret to getting their kids to listen is making them feel respected, emotionally safe, and involved in the process. 'Instead of treating defiance as something to squash, we begin to see it as a signal: a call for connection, clarity or emotional support,' Reem detailed. 'When we respond with empathy and leadership, rather than control and criticism, we reduce power struggles and raise children who trust us, regulate themselves more easily, and grow into emotionally resilient adults.'

Times

2 hours ago

Times

Morten Morland's Times cartoon: June 24, 2025

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