The 10 greatest spies ever seen on screen
The name's Lewis. Henry Lewis. As the artistic director of Mischief – the team behind The Comedy About Spies, which is about to open in the West End – I've got secret agents on the brain. If I compiled a list of the 10 greatest ever seen, who would be on it? (They are all fictional, since the top spies in the real world are so good at what they do that we have no clue who they are.)
What even makes a spy a spy? Jack Ryan certainly does some spying, but technically he's a CIA analyst. Inspector Gadget may well look the part, but I'm told officially that he's a 'bionic detective'. So, I've had Q check my working and am confident that the 10 secret agents below all qualify as especially espionagious.
The Men in Black: secret agents who specialise in extraterrestrials. Efficiently wiping the memories of pretty much everyone they encounter after they've completed a job, they can afford to be extremely relaxed about concealing their identities (providing they don't forget to remember their memory-wipers). The Men in Black can pull off sunglasses indoors and at night, and also have their fingerprints removed, which helps guard their anonymity and leaves fewer smudges.
Webb is the character played by Keira Knightley in the recent Netflix spy thriller Black Doves, one of the best 'also a Christmas story' stories since Die Hard. A Black Dove gives information to a mercenary organisation that then buys and sells said information – so there are lots of double- and triple-crossings to be had, which are a huge requirement of the genre. Webb's motivation is, quite healthily, revenge. She is cold, savage, ruthless and often finds herself covered in blood, but in an extremely likeable way.
Voiced by David Jason, Danger Mouse is an agent with the British Secret Service, and together with his hamster friend Penfold has foiled a record number of world-domination plots, sometimes in as little as five minutes. For a full list of the spy mouse's accolades, look no further than his theme tune, which reliably informs us that he is not only 'the greatest' and 'the strongest', but also that 'he's the fastest, he's the quickest, he's the best', and 'wherever there is danger, he'll be there'. Pretty impressive stuff, if you ask me.
Remember his initials because they're going to come up again. Jason Bourne is the code name for Matt Damon's CIA spy and assassin, known for being incredibly resourceful. Why carry a gun when you can use a pen? Or a magazine? Or an extension cable? Bourne doesn't need Q to hide weapons in gadgets and clothing, he can just pick up the nearest object and do some real damage. He's so cool and collected, the loss of all his memories is seen as only a minor setback.
It's one thing to fight your way through villain after villain every single week. It's another to do it all while wearing flared jeans. Charlie's Angels features three women working as spy investigators, sent out on missions by mysterious millionaire Charlie – and they get the job done in true 1970s style. They receive their assignments from a disembodied voice and have access to a seemingly endless supply of disguises. They also have easily the funkiest theme tune on this list, which goes a long way in the spy world.
Surprisingly nothing to do with the separate Marvel character 'Spider-Woman', Black Widow, aka Natasha Romanoff, is a Russian spy-turned-founding Avengers member. Looking at the rest of her team, she's definitely the only one who could feasibly blend in as a spy; you'd need a lot of trench-coat material for the Hulk. Played by Scarlett Johannson, Black Widow is adept in the traditional spy disciplines of speaking multiple languages, sharpshooting and martial arts, as well as the less traditional disciplines of stabbing aliens, defeating robots and maintaining flawless hair and make-up throughout.
In 24, Kiefer Sutherland's rugged, get-the-job-done-by-any-means-necessary Jack Bauer is the Counter Terrorist Unit's ultimate secret weapon. His number-one superpower – beyond also sporting the initials J and B – is being able to effectively thwart ANY terrorist plot in just shy of 24 hours (but, admittedly, not any sooner than that). I believe he also holds the record for the TV character zip-tied to the most objects, usually whatever the villains happen to have to hand – metal pipes, radiators, the president's arm. Disarmer of bombs, container of chemical weapons, kicker of locked doors... Bauer remains unflappable in the face of unexpected developments occurring one minute before the hour, every hour – what a day!
Rowan Atkinson's clumsy MI7 agent consistently proves that he is the only man for the job... when no others are available. Fully embracing the fact he is a pure James Bond spoof, Johnny English is able to lean in to all the aspects of spy fiction that are actually a bit ridiculous when you stop to really think about them: the over-the-top gadgets (explosive jelly baby, anyone?); the stylish cars that stick out far more than they blend in; and the outlandish villain schemes (his original nemesis, Pascal Sauvage, wants to be the new king, no less). Ultimately, English's greatest superpower is his inability to admit his mistakes, even if it means staging a fight with an imaginary assailant just to cover them up. We've all been there.
In Phineas and Ferb, Perry belongs to the Flynn-Fletcher family, who see him as a totally normal domesticated pet. But he lives a secret double life as a member of the espionage agency OWCA (Organisation Without a Cool Acronym). Not only have Perry's infamous battles with the evil Dr Doofenshmirtz comfortably embedded them both in the pop-culture zeitgeist, but he has also increased public awareness of the key characteristics of the platypus species – such as their turquoise colour, their fedora hats and their ability to fight crime.
Ian Fleming's MI6 agent is the spy that all other spies must ultimately measure up to, so it's no surprise that his gadgets, his cars, his cat-stroking, spinny-chair villains, even his initials – J and B, once again! – are so often mimicked by those who came later. Perhaps there was a fictional spy before Bond, and Bond did such a good job of taking them out and covering it up that we just assume Bond was the original. Bond's most remarkable achievement is that he somehow manages still to be an excellent spy despite always immediately revealing his real name. 'The name's Bond. James Bond' is a catchphrase as unforgettable as he is, though it rather blows his cover.
The Comedy About Spies is at the Noël Coward Theatre, London WC2 (SpiesComedy.com), until Sept 5
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