I married someone 23 years my senior. Despite the hardships, I don't regret it
Multiple partners, age-gap relationships, and height differences. What happens when love challenges entrenched social norms? To explore tensions of taboo relationships, why some relationships make us uncomfortable and the question of who decides what is acceptable, watch Insight episode Taboo Relationships Tuesday 17 June at 8.30PM on SBS or live on SBS On Demand . I was 22 and just out of a relationship when I was ardently pursued by a much older man. It changed the course of my life. My first impression of Phillip was unremarkable. He was a big man with a wry grin, but at 45 years old, he was not a person I would have considered as a romantic partner. He applied the strategy 'persistence beats resistance' to our courtship with calls, flowers and cards — and eventually, he succeeded. I fell very much in love with him. Despite the age gap , we had a common thread of similar interests. I was an avid horse rider, and he appreciated a fine horse. He had an Aussie larrikin sense of humour I adored; and he made me feel safe and secure.
Two of his adult children were older than me; this made me anxious. After three months of dating, Phillip asked me to move in with him. It was at this point I felt I had to disclose the relationship to my family and friends. It was not without some trepidation. There were mixed reactions. My parents were, understandably, concerned about the age difference. Both my parents and my siblings were strongly opposed to the relationship. They eventually came around but for a period of about 18 months, I had limited contact with my parents. My friends were perplexed yet initially accepting. However, it quickly became apparent that my much older partner would not be included in social events. As a result, I would go to events on my own — and eventually, I stopped going altogether. The relationship was ostensibly alienating me from my peers.
Phillip's adult children seemed reasonable about the relationship; however, I felt they thought it was a 'casual arrangement'. As time went by and they realised the relationship was serious, their reaction to the union was varied. I remained very conscious of the discomfort surrounding our relationship. I didn't resent the discomfort at the time, and I don't now. I understand how the relationship was viewed. What I did take offence to, was how I often felt dismissed and ignored by some people. Apparently, I was called a "gold digger" behind my back and often felt people thought of me as a vacant piece of arm candy. At this time, I was working as an executive secretary among professors and scientists — as well as being a part-time published writer. I was certainly no fool.
In public, we were often mistaken for father and daughter, particularly at restaurants and functions. While I found this embarrassing, he found it humorous. We had been together for nearly a decade when our daughter was born in 2004. Phillip was 55 at the time; and despite expressing some initial discomfort at being a father again at his age, he loved her deeply. Throughout the relationship, I would prescribe the term 'power imbalance' to explain the route it took. Phillip was older and financially secure; this meant I felt that he would dismiss my ideas and not consult me.
Phillip had some minor and major illnesses during our time together. His heart condition and malignant high blood pressure culminated in a stroke when I was four months pregnant with Halle. Another mild stroke and several hospitalisations followed in the years after. He was a difficult man to help.
After 22 years together, we separated and maintained an amicable relationship thereafter. Despite the split, I encouraged Halle to have a good relationship with her father. As she grew up, she came to accept that Phillip wasn't a traditional dad. She became aware that the wide gap in age and generation meant that understanding each other was often fraught with old versus modern.
In 2023, Phillip died unexpectedly. He was in his mid-70s. I spent 22 years with him; despite the highs and lows and others viewing our relationship as "taboo", we have a beautiful, intelligent daughter. Through this relationship, I also learnt so much about myself and others. Looking back, I cannot say I would not have done this if I had my time over.
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