
Infested waters is only kept afloat by Helen George – erotic brush with stingray could help get her land huge TV deal
I do.
9
Shark! Celebrity Infested Waters has become The Helen George Show
Credit: Shutterstock Editorial
9
The Call The Midwife actress is so traumatised by a childhood swimming pool incident, involving rubber floats, that she cannot put her head under water
Credit: ITV
9
Helen had a brush with a stingray on the series
Credit: Getty
It would've taken a heroic level of restraint not to do it under the headline 'Lenny Henry in pieces' as well.
My point being, expectations should be well and truly managed before clicking on Shark! Celebrity Infested Waters where, in honour of Jaws' 50th anniversary, some reasonably famous people are forced to 'confront their fears' and 'step out of their comfort zones' while having to cope with the very real trauma of coming face-to-face with scuba diving instructors in the Bahamas.
It's a hell of an ordeal for Lenny and the gang, as you can imagine.
All but sunk
Just in case the seven ever forget the point, though, they're joined by a trio of marine experts to ram home the environmental message and explain the celebs have 'nothing to fear from one of the most persecuted animals on the planet'.
A fine sentiment that's only slightly undermined by the fact one of the team, Australian Navy para Paul de Gelder, has a prosthetic arm and leg, on account of the real ones being eaten by a bull shark in Sydney Harbour.
As remote as the chances of this dismembering ever being repeated on Celebrity Infested Waters were, any possibility of it being a spectacle vanished with the line-up, which really should've been headed by an apex political predator like Boris or Alastair Campbell.
Aside from getting the health and safety team drunk while you tampered with the shark cage, all you would then have needed to do was sign up some professional irritants, like Nish Kumar, Gemma Collins and the drumming Welsh weatherman, before filling the final crucial spot — for teeth-related reasons — with Rob Beckett.
One of the sharks attempts to attack Rob Beckett? It's funny. One of the sharks attempts to mate with Rob Beckett? It's even funnier.
Instead, the show was all but sunk when ITV went for worthy and likeable characters who include: Dougie Poynter, from McFly, Ross Noble, Ade Adepitan, actress Lucy Punch and Countdown's Rachel Riley.
Lenny's there as well, obviously, still trying his best, bless him.
Shark! Celebrity Infested Waters
All hopes the other six ever had about hogging the camera, though, were dashed with the booking of Call The Midwife's Helen George, who announced her arrival right at the start of episode one when team leader Dr Tristan Guttridge told them: 'You're meeting bull sharks today.'
'Sharks? Today? In the water?'
No, back in the Coconut Lounge at the hotel.
Where the hell do you think you're going to meet them?
From that moment onwards, it effectively became The Helen George Show.
An actress so traumatised by a childhood swimming pool incident, involving rubber floats, that she cannot put her head under water or even look at it without giving us her full Meryl Streep routine from Sophie's Choice.
Mind you, it was a slightly different performance we got when a stingray nuzzled her crotch in the shallows off Bimini island.
'Oh my God, it's gone right for my vagina!
9
Helen seems to be using her rather lovely Bahaman holiday as an audition for ITV's jungle, as she keeps shouting 'Get me out!' every time she's in the water
Credit: ITV
9
Ross Noble and Rachel Riley on the series
Credit: Shutterstock Editorial
'Ooh! Sucky sucky,' she groaned, before admitting afterwards: 'I've never been tickled by a stingray before. It was quite pleasant.'
If I had to guess, of course, I'd say what's really going on here is that Helen's using her rather lovely Bahaman holiday as an audition for ITV's jungle, as she keeps shouting 'Get me out!' every time she's in the water.
I'm vaguely glad she's there as well, because Celebrity Infested Waters would be an even flatter experience without her histrionics.
What all the screaming in the world cannot do, though, is add any sort of point to Celebrity Infested Waters or take away from the stupidity of the exercise.
Cupping goolies
Because the really mind-blowing thing about this format is that ITV tried exactly the same thing in 2005, to mark the 30th anniversary of Jaws, with a one-off show called Celebrity Shark Bait, featuring Ruby Wax, Richard E Grant and Colin Jackson.
And none of them had the decency to get eaten either.
Now here we are, 20 years later, with a five-part series and Dougie Poynter from McFly cupping his goolies as he waded cautiously into the ocean asking: 'Are my testicles safe?'
From the sharks? 100 per cent.
From Helen? 50/50.
UNEXPECTED MORONS IN THE BAGGING AREA
LIGHTNING, Zoe Lyons: 'In which classic board game are the Hippopotamus Defence and Queen's Gambit opening moves?'
Shui: 'Cluedo.'
Zoe Lyons: 'A revolving pole with red and white stripes on it is often used to identify what place of business?'
Rebecca: 'Fire station.'
And Zoe Lyons: 'What type of raincoat is named after the Scottish chemist who invented the material it was first made from?'
Craig: 'Anorak.'
Aye, good old Charlie Anorak. One of the greats.
RE: ITV's women's Euros 2025 pundit Eni Aluko: 'I struggle with questioning goalkeepers.'
Then kindly p*** off. It's your job.
GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS
Andrew Castle: 'The final result was three sets to one but it could have been four sets to love.'
Clare Balding: 'Anything could happen. And it did.'
And Pat Cash: 'There are four players who can hit with a straight arm – Federer, Nadal, Del Potro, Alcarez and Fernandez.'
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
BONO'S A LIVE 8 NO-NO
9
The Live 8 event was driven by a politician who longed to be a rock star, Tony Blair, and a rock star who longed to be a politician, Bono, above
Credit: Getty
THE difference between the first two brilliant episodes of BBC2's Live Aid At 40 documentary and the soulless third was as stark as the chasm that existed between the original gig and the 2005 version.
Because the first concert, in 1985, was a beautiful, spontaneous union between the British people and their favourite rock stars, driven by two men, Bob Geldof and Midge Ure, who were just trying to make a difference while having some fun.
The terminally pompous Live 8 event, on the other hand, was clearly driven by a politician who longed to be a rock star, Tony Blair, and a rock star who longed to be a politician, Bono, who shared a messiah complex that overwhelmed everyone and everything else. It missed someone capable of filling the impossible void left by Freddie Mercury as well, obviously.
But the most notable absence, in part three, was the public, who just had to sit tight while Blair, Putin, George W Bush and Bono did some sort of behind-closed-doors deal about Third World debt, and remain polite while Live 8 cretins like Miss Dynamite told them: 'As a nation we've robbed, killed, stolen and violated the Third World for centuries. If there's a debt to be paid, we're the ones that owe.'
A version of events which is a bit hard to stomach when Britain was the first country in the whole history of humanity not just to ban the international slave trade but police it as well.
She certainly set the self-loathing tone for a lot of large concerts that followed, though, and probably helped ensure one of Live Aid's main legacies is the constant background drone of celebrity sermonizing we must all now endure.
And as for Africa?
Yeah, it's still screwed.
CELEBRITY Gogglebox, Alison Hammond watching The Price Of Perfection: 'Imagine going to sleep fat and waking up thin.' And miss your fifties? I wouldn't, Al.
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS
RANDOM TV irritations: Love Island's half- German flight attendant Helena replying 'I don't know' to the question: 'Where's Austria?'
Good Morning Britain imbeciles captioning a famous 1980s toy as the: 'Rubix cube'.
BBC1's normally superb Gabby Logan turning into a seven-year-old child with the observation: 'Two more sleeps until the Wales- England game.'
And Wimbledon commentators getting a throb on for the tournament's celebrity flotsam.
A practice which should've ended long before Andrew Castle debased himself with the words: 'A lovely royal box there.
'That was Nick Clegg, our former Deputy Prime Minister.'
THIS WEEK'S HERO
TV hero of the week. The bloke who spent eight days on Weymouth beach turning 30 tonnes of sand into a life-size sculpture of Ben Shephard, Cat Deeley and the This Morning set who was then asked:
'How do you feel?'
Very relieved Eamonn isn't still hosting, I'd imagine.
LOOKALIKE OF THE WEEK
9
'Human Barbie Doll' Alicia Amira, left, and the Test Card clown, right
Credit: Supplied
THIS week's winner is 'Human Barbie Doll' Alicia Amira, off ITV2's Price Of Perfection, and the Test Card clown.
Sent in by Ewen Davidson, of Hoddesdon, Herts.
WITH all of its sly talk about 'diversity,' 'climate change,' and 'migration,' BBC2's anthropological series Human was already giving me the uneasy feeling it was using the past to spread propaganda about the present.
9
Ella Al-Shamahi hosting BBC2's anthropological series Human
Credit: BBC
Then host Ella Al-Shamahi, right, said: 'Six million years before Homo sapiens appeared, some primates left the trees, they started walking upright and began using stone tools. These tool-makers became . . .'
Click.
Bloody Keir Starmer.
TV GOLD
9
Noel Edmonds invited the Prime Minister of New Zealand to dinner on the final episode of ITV's Kiwi Adventure who was 'busy'
Credit: PA
CHANNEL 4's reliably brilliant 24 Hours In Police Custody: Lost Boys.
Sky Documentaries' over-long but incredibly touching Jayne Mansfield tribute My Mom Jayne.
BBC2's Live Aid at 40 concert footage confirming Queen's show-stopping performance was every bit as mesmerising as the legend suggests.
And Noel Edmonds going 'full Brent' on the final episode of ITV's Kiwi Adventure, where he invited the Prime Minister of New Zealand to dinner (he was 'busy'), speculated that he may have been a dolphin in a previous life and then assured his wife Liz, while sat in a hot tub, that she was 'one of the three most important things' in his life, ahead of 'helicopters and topiary'.
You spoil that woman, Noel.
Hashtags

Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles


Daily Mirror
15 minutes ago
- Daily Mirror
Coronation Street's Farrel Hegarty left in floods of tears at airport over huge fear
Coronation Street actress Farrel Hegarty revealed her secret fear of flying whilst preparing to board a flight home to the UK after a trip to Australia. A Coronation Street star was left in tears at an airport as she revealed her secret fear of flying. Farrel Hegarty, 37, started playing the role of Lou Michaelis on ITV's flagship soap earlier this year, but jetted off to Australia when it was announced that she was to depart the show after just a matter of months. The actress has been keeping her followers on social media up to date with her trip down under to see friends, but appeared distressed as she geared up to board her long flight home. Speaking to her followers on her Instagram story, she said: "I hate saying goodbye, I hate airports and I hate flying. It's a three for three. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be fine flying, and now I am an absolute wiener. I can't do it! Turbulence makes me feel like I'm on the Nemesis [at Alton Towers]. "I'm gonna get an ice cream, I don't even care, I don't even care. I'm on a four-week shred before Ibiza. I will worry about the consequences later because I am sad!" Once she had obtained her sweet treat, Farrel said through tears: "I am eating my emotions", before letting out a quick giggle. Farrel's woes didn't end there as she made her way to the plane, and she lamented that she "didn't even get a free upgrade", but she was thrilled to discover that she had the whole row to herself once she had taken her seat on the aircraft. She joked: "Look. Two spare seats. Not one, but two. Someone is looking out for me, someone is looking out for me. Someone is looking out for me. It does smell a little bit like sick, it smells a little sick but I am just going to ignore it!" When the Corrie audition came, she was about to leave her home in London to move Down Under and live with her girlfriend of 18 months. She said: 'I was about to move to Australia to move in with my partner and the audition came up. Either way, my life was about to go in a different direction, as I knew I'd either be going to Australia or joining Coronation Street. 'I knew if I got the role, then it was my time. Having a long-distance relationship is definitely not for the faint-hearted but my partner was never going to be angry that I was going to be in Corrie. She knows how much it meant to me and how tough it has been.' But after just mere months of starring as the hairdresser on-screen - who is now behind bars for beating Gary Windass (Mikey North) over the head amid a failed blackmail attempt - she vaguely discussed the exit for the first time to The Mirror and other press. She teased what was ahead, while also confirming the fact that she did know from the start she would be leaving after a matter of months, with an exit always on the cards despite some reports. She explained of why she took on the short-term role, knowing she would only be there for a specific amount of time: "I just think she really appealed to me because she's the sort of person who's never had it easy. "She's built up a lot of coping mechanisms, where she's presenting a hard and feisty character with her walls up, and all she's ever known is these fiery relationships. And probably fiery relationships with a lot of people in her life, which is what makes a character like that so interesting. "Because she's a force and irrational. I read scripts and I go, 'Oh God! What's she doing now? What's she saying now?' Because it's not a way that I would behave, and because of that, it's so much fun to play. It's that desperation to protect that inner circle and because of that, she makes a mess of things. But a character like that is so fun to play, because there's never a dull moment." Between roles, she has sometimes taken temporary office jobs. 'It's hard going to auditions, but when you get a part like Lou, it's an incredible feeling.' She then admitted that her dream was now to land a role in a sitcom. Speaking before her trip Down Under, Farrel, who also posts comedy sketches on TikTok, said: 'I enjoy doing silly skits. I will need a holiday by then. It will be great to see my partner too.'


Cambrian News
18 minutes ago
- Cambrian News
Meet the incredible creatives behind Aberystwyth's Wizard of Oz
His extensive career as a musical director, composer and TV pianist has taken him all over the world. He has worked with Sue Pollard (Annie), Dame Edna Everage (pantomime), Ruthie Henshall, Aled Jones and Willard White (the BBC's The Sound of The Musicals), Tony Hadley and Gene Pitney (ITV's Sing it Your Way) and been 'lured in front of the camera' to join 4 Poofs and a Piano, the brilliant house band on the BBC's Friday Night With Jonathan Ross.


Daily Record
an hour ago
- Daily Record
ITV Coronation Street fans rumble 'fake death' as they say one character will make shock return
Coronation Street viewers are convinced that one character who is meant to have been dead for years will soon make a shock return to Weatherfield. Coronation Street may soon be seeing one character return from the dead with fans claiming to have spotted some solid clues in the ITV soap. The character in question was thought to have been killed off screen years before but viewers only learned of their existence in the past year or so. Becky Swain was the mother of teen Betsy Swain, and the wife of detective Lisa Swain. Lisa has opened up about the loss of her spouse in the line of duty a couple of times and was also recently forced to face her sad past when she spoke about it in therapy. Becky's alleged death was revisited more than once in recent times with newcomers Matty and Logan Radcliffe's link to the death being revealed earlier this year. Details about what caused Becky's death and rumours of her being corrupt ahead of her murder, have kept the plot and the mystery surrounding her demise going. Fans who picked up on the constant mentions of her and the desire to know what really happened have now suggested there's more to be revealed when it comes to Becky's story, the Mirror reports. Amid some fresh spoilers that tease a twist about Lisa's new partner Carla Connor, fans are wondering if a huge bombshell will be dropped in the soap soon. While fans are waiting in anticipation to find out if Becky is actually dead while others are calling for the speculation that she is still alive to end, others can't shake the idea that she may be in hiding. The theory has been doing the round following new episodes and twists with fans now once again convinced that Becky will soon head to Weatherfield very much alive. Taking to social media one fan suggested: "What if Carla really does do a deep dive and finds out Becky is not only bent but also alive? What if those scenes at the park are her having to break the news to Lisa alongside the Private investigator?" Another fan echoed: "Feels like a juggernaut coming down the line but I could be wrong. Is Becky - deceased wife of DC Swain and mother of Betsy - not dead? "My very much of a guess is - she was undercover as a bent copper, big scary criminals, faked death to save her family, witness protection, yadda yadda yadda and suddenly TA-DA!!! "It's all the endless references and musings about a character we've never met. Feels like something's afoot. Also a handy nemesis for Carla? That's always a good thing." A third agreed with the theories, saying: "I agree that the endless references about someone who we have never met is suspicious!" Another torn fan then posted: "The only reason I think she has to be dead is surely a post mortem was carried out given the circumstances and surely Lisa had to identify her or saw her in her coffin." Join the Daily Record WhatsApp community! Get the latest news sent straight to your messages by joining our WhatsApp community today. You'll receive daily updates on breaking news as well as the top headlines across Scotland. No one will be able to see who is signed up and no one can send messages except the Daily Record team. All you have to do is click here if you're on mobile, select 'Join Community' and you're in! If you're on a desktop, simply scan the QR code above with your phone and click 'Join Community'. We also treat our community members to special offers, promotions, and adverts from us and our partners. If you don't like our community, you can check out any time you like. To leave our community click on the name at the top of your screen and choose 'exit group'. If you're curious, you can read our Privacy Notice. Someone else, who did not seem as impressed by the rumoured storyline, wrote: "Typical soap, if they don't die on screen, they're not actually dead." The theory kept on being shared, with somebody adding: "Yeah, I don't recall exactly what it was, but before the footy break a Swarla convo made me say Becky isn't dead." Yet another viewer chimed in: "Wouldn't surprise me if Becky's still alive."