Is There A 'Right' Way To Fight In A Relationship? We Asked Psychologists

NDTV

09-05-2025

" Ladne se pyaar badhta hai" (Love increases when you fight)."
If you've grown up in a desi household, chances are high you've witnessed your parents, or someone else, arguing right in front of you. And more often than not, they might've brushed it off with this phrase.
The idea of going to another room to discuss 'personal' matters is more or less alien here. You see, we don't really classify anything as 'personal' in a desi house. But let's not get into the privacy issues in Indian households. That's another topic altogether. Right now, we're talking about 'the fighting'.
The yelling. The screeching. The occasional drama. It may all seem normal to many of us, having grown up in that environment. But here's the thing - experts believe there is, in fact, a right way to fight. And doing it in front of everyone? That tops the list of things not to do.
But don't get us wrong. The phrase above does hold some truth. Studies show that fighting in a relationship might actually help save it. Couples who don't have it in for each other to fight for each other might not last long. That doesn't mean constant heated arguments make for a healthy bond.
Simply put, if you have conflicts with your partner in a constructive way, it can bring you closer.
A 2012 paper published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that expressing anger to a romantic partner might create short-term discomfort but also encourages honest conversations that strengthen the relationship over time.
So, what's the right way to fight with your partner - or any loved one? Let's fight... erm, find out:
Start Using 'I' Over 'You'
Use 'I' in your relationship. Now, we are not asking you to become selfish. Experts suggest that one of the best ways to avoid escalating conflict is to steer clear of the blame game.
Dr Pavitra Shankar, associate consultant psychiatry at Aakash Healthcare, says, "Use 'I' statements to express feelings, not blame. Saying 'I feel overwhelmed when plans change suddenly' is far less inflammatory than 'You ruin everything'."
Shahszeen Shivdasani, relationship expert and author of Love, Lust and Lemons, agrees: "No name-calling. Use the word 'I'. Say 'I feel that way' instead of 'you never'," she adds.
Remember The Intention
It's crucial to understand why you're fighting. Is it with each other, for each other, or something else entirely? Your intention should be that it's you versus the problem, not you versus your partner.
Vasundhara Gupta, founder and counselling psychologist at Humraahi Psychotherapy, says that while there's no perfect way to fight, there is a better way - and intentionality is key.
"The best fights aren't about winning or being right-they're about understanding, repair, and staying connected even in conflict. Sue Johnson [British clinical psychologist and couples therapist known for her work in psychology] teaches that couples tend to fall into predictable negative cycles-like one partner pursuing and the other withdrawing. The key is to recognise the cycle as the enemy, not each other," she says.
For Vasundhara, intentionality means asking yourself: What am I hoping for in this conversation? To be heard? To feel less alone? To move towards closeness? Or am I trying to punish, withdraw, or prove a point?
"Being intentional helps shift the fight from a reactive space to a relational one," she adds.
Timeout
All the experts we spoke to had one consistent piece of advice - know when to pause. When things get too heated or your emotions run high, that's the time to take a break.
Priyanka Kapoor, psychotherapist, psychologist, sex therapist and couple and family counsellor from Mumbai, recommends using the 'STOP skill' during conflict.
"When you sense the argument worsening, you need to STOP-take a break, think, calm down, and plan your conversation so the other person doesn't feel attacked," she says.
"Also, choose the right moment to bring up difficult topics. Not when the person is busy, hungry (very important), angry or already upset," she adds.
Respect, Respect, Respect
Ask any expert how to build a solid foundation in a relationship, and respect will always rank among the top three. Even when fighting, respect is non-negotiable.
Gupta says it's not about whether you fight, but how. Conflict handled with mutual respect and a willingness to listen can actually foster growth.
Shivdasani agrees. "Fighting is important in a relationship because, before you marry or commit to someone for life, it's crucial to know how you both behave in conflict. It shows your growth as a couple and how you resolve issues. But no matter what, it should always be handled with respect. Respect, respect, respect," she concludes.
End On A Connecting Note
Ending a fight on a good note matters. It helps repair and strengthen the relationship, rather than allowing the conflict to fester. A positive conclusion fosters forgiveness, kindness and emotional reconnection.
Dr Shankar says even unresolved issues can be softened with small gestures. "A warm touch or a 'We'll get through this'-these simple things can really diffuse the tension," she says.
The Red Flags
So, how do you know if the way you're fighting isn't healthy? Dr Shankar lists a few red flags to watch for:
Escalation over trivial issues: Minor disagreements spiralling out of control often reflect poor emotional regulation.
Name-calling and character attacks: Saying "You're lazy" instead of "I need help" damages trust and self-esteem.
Stonewalling or silent treatmen t: Emotionally shutting down kills communication and builds walls.
Recycling past arguments: Repeatedly revisiting the same issues suggests nothing's being resolved.
Emotional or verbal abuse: Sarcasm, intimidation or threats are never acceptable. If fear is involved, seek professional help.
Emotional exhaustion after every fight: Constant fatigue or anxiety after arguments signals relational burnout.
How To Know If You're Fighting Too Much
Fighting is good in a relationship. But couples shouldn't feel like they're constantly at each other's throats.
Shallu Chawla, Delhi-based matchmaker and Co-founder of Make My Lagan, says there's no magic number of arguments that's 'too many'. It's more about how the fights affect your emotional wellbeing and the atmosphere of the relationship.
"I always ask couples to reflect on the space between arguments. Do you experience peace, affection, connection? Or does it feel like you're always recovering from a fight?" Chawla says.
A toxic relationship always has signs. Representational Photo: Pexels
Dr Shankar shares signs that you might be fighting too often:
Arguments dominate your time: If peace is the exception rather than the norm, take note.
Same issues come up repeatedl y: This hints at unresolved deeper problems.
You feel emotionally drained: A healthy relationship recharges you, not the opposite.
Fights get personal or abusive: Insults and manipulation show deeper dysfunction.
You avoid each other: Withdrawing emotionally may be a response to chronic conflict.
Bottomline
Every couple fights. It's a byproduct of different perspectives, misunderstandings and expectations, and it is bound to happen when two people are in a relationship. It only becomes a problem when you can't resolve issues or express your views respectfully and constructively.